It is difficult for you to endure the whims of your elderly mother, but you endure them with all your might — because it would be even more difficult for you to cope with guilt. How to resolve this situation?
“My mother is a charming, bright and sometimes pleasant woman. But at the same time, she throws tantrums endlessly, complains about how bad she is, and inspires guilt in everyone in the house. Our family adapts endlessly to my mother’s mood and illnesses.
She is terribly concerned about her health. She always had this “thing” — my sister and I had several operations when we were little, and my mother admits that not all of these operations were so necessary.
I know why she’s so suspicious and why she’s getting us into this. She grew up in a large family where she was average, and often felt forgotten and rejected by everyone — both emotionally and physically.
I think she’s just stuck at that age — her whims and tantrums show that she has not matured emotionally, sometimes it seems to me that she is younger than my 7-year-old daughter.
I am not very gentle and patient towards my mother. It pisses me off that I have to be an adult next to her.
Her father is always on her side and never tries to change her behavior. She is so afraid of old age that I had to give up the idea of moving to another country, as my older sister did with her family. I agreed to stay to be close to our aging parents.
I hate to admit it, but I’m not doing this out of love. I do this because, unlike my sister, I can’t feel guilty. Mom always criticized me for being too soft, and apparently she is right.
I know she won’t change and she needs my support. But no matter how much I tell myself that the difficult character is not her fault, I continue to be angry with her because of all this. Constant contact with mom is devastating.
If I try to distance myself to take a breath, she immediately calls and says that she feels worse, and her complaints and whims grow like a snowball for several more days. When I try to pay more attention to her, to anticipate her desires, she, despite this, finds some reason to throw a tantrum.
Taking care of a mother is like taking care of a child who will never grow up and mature. How can I deal with this situation? Is there some kind of mantra that I could repeat to keep patience?”
“Following the mother, you do not help her”
Annalisa Barbieri — writer, columnist
“Wait a minute, if this behavior of the mother is not her problem, then whose is it? Isn’t it time for her to take responsibility for her actions? You can love someone and still hate what that person does. And your rejection of his behavior does not make you worse.
You come across as a kind and patient person. Too responsive and understanding. Until you change at least partially your habit of reacting in this way, it is unlikely that you will feel better.
I contacted Rosin Perelberg, a psychoanalyst and visiting professor at University College London. She says that hypochondria is indeed inextricably linked with control: it indicates a person’s desire to control both his own body (to prevent it from aging and dying) and those around him.
This is such a peculiar form of enslavement. You yourself feel that you are enslaved by your mother, don’t you? Rosin Perelberg explains that the hypochondriac, terrified of death, is engaged in the destruction of life. So believe me: following the mother’s lead, fulfilling all her whims, you are not helping her. And don’t help yourself either. But how to break the usual response pattern?
You hit the mark by comparing a mother’s behavior to a child’s behavior
But just like with naughty children, you need to set clear boundaries and set certain rules. First of all, you should be less interested in the symptoms of your mother’s illness, do not focus your attention on them.
Find a way to be unavailable to contact your mother from time to time. Of course, this will not be easy and will not work overnight, but when she talks about her illnesses, abstract away. She feels worse again, yes, and now what? Her health is getting worse from time to time, isn’t it?
Give your mother back the responsibility for her life. Because no matter what you say or do, it won’t make her any less sick or any better. So leave useless attempts.
This does not mean that you should stop loving her, mistreat her, or cut your mother out of your life. Your attitude towards your mother — even in the worst moments — looks much more cordial than her attitude towards you. It’s no wonder you’re angry.»