If the child is the only one

More than 60% of all Russian families with children are families with one child. But even at the beginning of the last century, such a situation was rare. And since that time, children growing up without brothers and sisters, in our view, have traditionally had a not the best reputation: spoiled, selfish, unadapted to life …

Some of these stereotypes go back to the writings of the Austrian psychologist Alfred Adler. Back in the 1920s, he argued that the only children in the family experience difficulties in communication: having no brothers and sisters, the only child “gets stuck” in his mental development at a stage when the whole world revolved around him.

Later, in the 1950s, speaking in support of large families, the French psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto argued that only children are successful in school, but in terms of interaction with others, they are completely unadapted people. The works of modern psychologists show that only children are in no way inferior to those who grow up with brothers and sisters, and even have a slight advantage in academic success, motivation and self-esteem.

And yet … Not the easiest test – to be the only object of love of your parents. Yes, the only child enjoys it and gets used to special privileges. But how to make sure that they do not serve him a disservice in later life? Much here depends on the behavior of the parents.

Treasure under control

“I felt that it was not a blind chance that guided me through life, but a loving hand, and the invisible father’s heart beats for me,” the great storyteller Hans Christian Andersen begins his autobiography. He was an only child. Most only children grow up with a deep sense of the security of the world and their own security. Knowing that the hearts of your parents are beating for you – what could be more encouraging and comfortable in childhood?

“But, feeling omnipotent in the family circle, the only child sometimes does not dare to do something outside of it: after all, there is always a danger of not being a hero,” says child psychoanalyst Anna Skavitina. If this behavior persists into adulthood, it can be a real handicap for the individual, both socially and emotionally.

“As a child, I loved to play with my dad,” recalls 25-year-old Vera, “we ran races, rode bicycles, played badminton. But at school I hated cross-country, basketball, volleyball… I still don’t like all team sports.”

For some single children, parental care turns into overprotectiveness and continuous control. “Whether from the club, from the guests, I always had to constantly call my mother,” Elizaveta recalls. “I was embarrassed in front of my friends. My parents were terribly worried that something would happen to me. In the 10th grade, they forbade me to go to the winter camp with the school: they say, I will get sick there or something worse will happen! .. Now I am 28, and my mother continues to call me several times a day. I can’t bring myself to ask her to leave me at last in peace.”

Illusion of equality

If you look at 11-year-old Anastasia as she walks down the street with her mother Alena, it’s not hard to guess that Nastya is an only child. She and her mother walk the same way, dress in the same style, and talk like best friends. In a family where the child is the only one, there is often no division into adults and children: children adopt some “adult” features – and vice versa. The principles of democracy, not pedagogy, reign in the family, and the child has the illusion of equality.

It is not uncommon for parents to refer to their only children as “my best friend” or even “my little sister,” with children echoing, “My best friend is my mom.” Most modern parents are sure that it is very good to be the best friend of your child. But is this the relationship he wants?

“Children, as a rule, accept the style of relationships that their parents offer them,” explains Anna Skavitina. “But if, for example, a girl already has friendly relations with her mother or father, it may turn out that she does not need to seek communication outside the family.”

If in the life of an only child, parents play the role of friends, then there is no one to play the role of parents.

“It is very important for a child to see in their parents a model of adult behavior and attitude to life,” says child psychologist Alexander Wenger. – The largest psychologist Daniil Elkonin called it the “ideal form”: I am not that way yet, but I would like to become with time. And if I already now feel that my parents and I are the same, then I have nowhere to grow. This does not mean that you should not be friends with your child: it is important to find a balance.

One on One

The position of an only child contributes to early psychological maturation: constantly participating in the lives of adults, he early learns to analyze the actions of other people, begins to show interest in intellectual activities, such as reading.

On the other hand, early psychological maturity may be the result of the moral and psychological burden that parents place on the child. The situation becomes especially delicate if he lives in an incomplete family (most often with his mother). A mother who is completely absorbed in caring for her child tends to build a selfish relationship with him, which can lead to a shift in roles.

“If a girl becomes her mother’s best friend, then the boy, whom his mother overly surrounds with her tenderness, unconsciously turns into her forbidden lover,” explains Anna Skavitina. “And this is the result of the natural logic of the development of their relationship: the more the mother herself lacks love, the more passionate her relationship with her son will be.”

“By focusing excessively on the child, the mother actually emotionally exploits him and fences him off from the outside world, primarily from his peers,” adds developmental psychologist Galina Burmenskaya.

What could be the consequences? As an adult, the son will still cling to his mother, be afraid of life and collect his love failures: after all, not a single woman can compare with the one who loved him so selflessly! “In such a family, a boy is “married” from birth to his mother,” comments Anna Skavitina.

The girl may have problems of a different kind. By fully identifying herself with her mother, she becomes her mirror, a reflection of her unconscious desires. “Often in adolescence, the daughter and mother turn into real rivals,” continues Anna Skavitina. “In order to break free from the influence of the mother and gain independence in such a situation, the teenager cannot find any other way than open conflict.”

“Mom seemed to have made me her confidant after her divorce from her father,” recalls Vyacheslav. – I very quickly found out everything that happened between her and dad, both about their personal conflicts and about troubles with money. I got so tired of playing the role of middleman that at the age of 17 I left home and dropped out of school. Now I’m 35, and they still continue to use me as an intermediary. It seems to me that if I had brothers or sisters, my parents would not hang everything on me alone.

Feeling such an unshared responsibility, growing up, the child will either fiercely defend himself from other people, or, conversely, constantly take care of everyone, will become an exemplary “vest”. Therefore, a mother who is raising a child alone should think about whether she has her own interests in life, whether there is time for herself personally, whether she continues to lead an intimate life.

“It’s not just about the intimate side: it is important that the mother lives a full life, not focusing exclusively on the child and not “devoting her whole life to him,” explains Alexander Wenger.

Outside the competition

“My friend, who grew up with two brothers and a sister, remembers all the stories from her childhood like this: “It was that summer when Ksyusha tried to teach me to ride a bike … And that was when Sasha washed a ballpoint pen in the washing machine and ruined mine dress,” says 29-year-old Nina. There were always three of us: mom, dad and me. Everyone decides what to do…”

“Brothers and sisters help each other grow up: in communication they learn to express and control their emotions, take into account and respect other people, while defending themselves and their interests, develop trust in their conscience, their intuition, in themselves,” says Galina Burmenskaya . “Together they learn the true feeling of brotherhood. Only children are often deprived of this and thus psychologically less protected.”

Growing up alone, children behave differently. Someone is looking for kindred spirits outside the family. “I chose my own brothers and sisters,” Nikolai, 20, proudly says. “I have always had many friends. It seems to me that friends are even better: they do not envy and are not jealous. And someone constantly feels loneliness and emptiness.

Unaccustomed to sharing the attention of adults with someone else, they often suffer from childhood. If, for example, a privileged relationship with a teacher does not develop at school, they feel resentment and disappointment. They get lost or become inappropriately aggressive at the slightest conflict with classmates.

“The fact is that an only child has no experience of building relationships of cooperation, and therefore, instead of them, he begins to build relationships of competition,” says Alexander Wenger.

“The occasional supervised interaction with other children, such as in creative studios or pre-school classes, cannot replace systematic communication. It is it that teaches the child to take into account the position of another and coordinate their actions with him, and not just obey authority or superiority, which is inevitable with constant communication with parents who can never replace a peer, ”continues Galina Burmenskaya.

How to educate him?

The most important thing is to be open to the outside world.

“Eight-year-old Ulyana was brought to me for a consultation by her parents because she was terribly afraid of insects,” says Anna Skavitina. I asked my parents if they often invite guests to their place. My question surprised them. No, they never have guests. On a symbolic level, the insects that Illyana was afraid of were the only creatures that entered her house. The girl got rid of the phobia as soon as her parents learned to invite friends over. Invite classmates, friends and girlfriends of your child, his cousins ​​and sisters to visit. Support his desire to engage in a circle or sports section, offer your options – it is important that he has the opportunity to compare himself with other children.

Since the intellectual development of an only child proceeds at an accelerated pace, there is a great temptation for parents to send him to school early. But not all children benefit from early schooling. And for an only child, used to being a star in the family circle, this can be too much of a test.

“School is not only learning, it is a new system of relationships,” continues Alexander Wenger. “He may not be ready to line them up. The older he gets, the more likely he will be to learn it. In addition, success in the lower grades depends not so much on knowledge as on the ability to sit at a desk and listen carefully to the teacher. Only children are often restless simply because they have less restraint. With age, this difficulty also disappears.

Otherwise, the success of raising an only child depends on all known things. Listen to him, look at his personality, carefully observe his reactions, maintain an open relationship with him, but do not forget about a respectful distance. An only child grows as well as other children when his parents understand him.

We know wonderful people who grew up without brothers and sisters, and they have many advantages: they are more responsible, more developed, more sensitive to their parents. When only one child grows in a family, this is not bad and not good – this is the reality of our time.