If the child fights: instructions for parents

How can you help your child deal with anger?

It is not easy for a parent to admit that his child is increasingly becoming the instigator of fights on the playgrounds or in the garden. It happens that children hit or scratch moms and dads, and this should not be taken as a cute prank. Rather than relying on them to outgrow it, it’s better to teach them early on how to manage their emotions without taking them out on those around them. What to do?

When faced with an outburst of aggression, use the following algorithm.

1. We name the emotion that caused this or that behavior. If we don’t know for sure, then we can assume: “You are upset or you may be angry, I see that you are not easy right now.” In this way, we build “bridges” in the child’s mind between the event that caused the emotion and its expression.
2. We show that we accept and understand the strong feelings of the child: “You were very angry with your sister, she broke your building, I understand how insulting it is.”
3. When a child is physically aggressive, it is important to confidently and quickly stop hitting or biting you. You can hug the baby tightly, keeping his arms in a safe position for you and him. And then talk about what happened.

Accepting and understanding the reaction of the child, we, of course, do not approve of such consequences of its expression as a fight, bites, name-calling. We suggest that the child learn other ways to communicate that he is angry:

• We teach breathing exercises. For example, take three slow breaths in and out if he or she feels a surge of anger;
• We offer to stomp our feet and say in words why he or she is angry;
• We draw or sculpt anger;
• We carefully listen to the reason for the negative reaction before assessing the consequences – this is how the child learns to speak about emotions in words more often, knowing that they are ready to understand him;
• We suggest taking time out and being alone to calm down if necessary;
• We do not try to arrange a debriefing in the midst of a conflict;
• We use children’s books about emotions to learn together with the characters to be friends with their feelings and express them in ways understandable to others;
• We are not afraid of aggression as such, we do not suppress it;
• As a family, we learn how to constructively express strong feelings towards each other.

Teaching a child to understand his emotional states, offering him alternative ways, we help him cope with difficult feelings. He becomes psychologically more stable.

Thanks to this, he manages to direct the natural energy of aggression in the right direction, defend his borders in an environmentally friendly way, and also declare himself to the world without fear.

What is aggression for?

From about two and a half years old, the child begins to master the concept of personal boundaries. It is during this period that we encounter sudden protests, refusals to eat our favorite cereal, put on a jacket in the cold and go to bed on time. At this age, the child begins to get acquainted with his emotions and their expression, learns to demonstrate his will.

The still immature brain of a preschooler is not able to provide you with a logical explanation of his behavior, to analyze emotions and actions, to slow down bright outbursts of feelings. So if we simply punish aggressive behavior, forbid it, encourage the child to be “nice,” we don’t give him options for expressing anger. Thus, it builds up inside and breaks out in destructive ways.

Emotions themselves are not good or bad, each of them is necessary for us to live the whole variety of our experience. Aggression is laid down by nature so that we can stand up for ourselves and protect our personal boundaries if we feel danger. In addition, in the modern world, this energy allows you to express yourself and achieve goals.