If love turns into addiction

“Pain. Sometimes sharp, throbbing, desperate; sometimes dull, hanging like a heavy stone on the heart. During that period, she was with me almost constantly. And also – depression, helplessness, hopelessness and anxiety that it will always be like this.

Why? I was in a relationship. And most of the time I felt bad and bitter about them. But I couldn’t leave Alex. And she couldn’t be with him either. It was a dead end.

And at some point in therapy, I had an insight: this is not love, but a painful addiction. From this began my slow recovery and return to myself.

Chloe’s story is a tale of painful realization that it is impossible to solve internal problems at the expense of love and another person. And that sometimes it is necessary to lose another in order to find yourself.

And it all started beautifully. Alex was bright, popular, with a charming smile. It was not difficult for him to conquer her. Their convergence was swift. He attracted her with a sense of strength and superiority, he lifted her above the gray reality and self-doubt. Appearing with him by the hand at public events, Chloe felt very happy.

With regard to her, Alex was restrained, sometimes disappeared, did not immediately respond to messages. This attitude, in which she read the signs of rejection, stung her and at the same time tied her even more to him.

Chloe liked his pride and arrogance, qualities she didn’t recognize or see in herself. Connecting with a partner who possesses them, she gained integrity, pride, strength. It was a ticket to heaven, which quickly became hell.

Her whole life narrowed down to this relationship. Other than that, she didn’t care much. Previously, beloved work was now given with difficulty and out of necessity. I rarely met friends – only when Alex was completely busy. Where to go? “I don’t know…” Chloe instantly changed her plans when the opportunity arose to see him.

In these relationships, she turned a blind eye to many things. On his rudeness, disappearances, neglect. Justified him. Asked for forgiveness. She persistently sought his love, attention, intimacy. Alex was afraid of her dependence, weakness, clinging to him. On her step forward, he took a step back, which gave rise to even greater anxiety in her and a desire to cling tighter.

She lost herself more and more, more and more often she felt unhappy. When it was completely unbearable, she tried to part with him. And then he took a step forward, and she forgot everything and blossomed.

And then everything repeated. Her grasping is his rejection. She suppressed her feelings in an attempt to “understand, forgive and fix everything,” but this only led her further from her goal and plunged her into an abyss of suffering. “It hurts, mom…” she whispered.

Chloe’s mother died when the girl was 12, and before that she was ill for a long time. As a child, Chloe often felt a lack of motherly love and attention, and therefore tried very hard to deserve it. She was a good obedient child. She did everything to please her mother. She didn’t run and play noisy games like the other kids, even though she wanted to.

The strategy that little Chloe unconsciously chose is to give up her feelings and desires for the love of an adult. This self-alienation, which helped her receive vital love as a child, only hindered her in adult life. She did not know and did not understand herself. Therefore, she needed another, confident and strong, who would come and save her. It will save her from herself, which does not bring satisfaction to reality, the need to grow up.

And this other appeared in her life.

“Sometimes I felt as dependent on him as a baby is on its mother. Completely, totally.”

Chloe lost her mother. And she could not afford to lose the closest person again. Even if it was only in her imagination. And even if she felt miserable with him.

Love was of the utmost value to her. Looking at people, she divided them into those who have love and those who do not. And envied the first.

Her self-esteem was directly dependent on how worthy of love she was. And all her life she tried to be worthy. Completely understanding, accepting, forgiving. She suppressed discontent, resentment, jealousy, anger. She tried to turn any love relationship into a perfectly harmonious one and awaken reciprocal feelings in her partner.

Sometimes, tormented by jealousy and Alex’s rejecting behavior, she told him everything she thought about him, made claims. But then she was terribly frightened of this, blamed herself and tried to make amends for the “guilt”. She simply could not afford to fail in a relationship, she had to achieve his love.

At the same time, Chloe began to show hatred for Alex, previously deeply hidden and unconscious. Germs of indignation began to break through his dismissive treatment. At first she suppressed them, but over time they gained more and more strength. Illusions were shattered. The break was inevitable.

Parting Chloe experienced hard. What made it even more painful was the background feeling that she had “failed.” She destroyed everything. I could not make him fall in love with myself and is unworthy of love. These self-deprecating thoughts clearly showed that she directed her hatred for him to herself. This feeling began to destroy her from the inside.

Chloe cried a lot. Sometimes she wanted to rush to fix everything again, to give the relationship another chance. But she knew it was a road to nowhere. She needs to get over this break. And Chloe endured what seemed impossible to endure. She finally turned to face herself.

Chloe realized that you can find integrity and happiness only within yourself. Through self-knowledge, recognition of one’s negative feelings, living through past unlived traumas and losses. Through accepting yourself, your history, and developing true self-love. Only then will a sincere, deep and loving relationship with another become possible.