Relationship conflicts make us wonder if we are right for each other. If we’re in trouble, then we shouldn’t be together, right? But perhaps this way of thinking dooms the relationship to failure.
Get to know Maria. One day her friends told her about a young man she might like. His name was Victor: an athlete, the spitting image of David Beckham. The next evening, friends introduced them to each other. Victor kissed Mary’s hand, looked into her eyes and said: «Next time we’ll meet together, just you and me.» And so it happened.
They started dating, getting to know each other better, feelings intensified. They seemed to understand each other well. They liked the same thing: food, training, small beach towns. They thought they were made for each other. A few months later, Victor suddenly became sullen. In fact, he always was like that, but at first he hid it. This worried Mary. She tried to find out what was troubling him, but these attempts annoyed Victor. «Leave me alone!» he answered in his heart. Maria felt rejected. “I thought you knew me,” she heard more and more often.
Friends knew how Maria and Victor love each other, and advised to work on this problem. But the partners brushed aside: «If we really suited each other, everyone would understand the other without words, and there would be no problems.» Eventually they parted ways.
Choosing a partner, we choose a set of problems. Compatibility is not a guarantee that everything will work out by itself
The “if we have to work on a relationship, then something is wrong” approach is destructive. Choosing a partner, we choose a set of problems. Compatibility is not a guarantee that everything will work out by itself. Believing this is a surefire way to destroy any relationship.
As psychologist John Gottman says, “Any relationship takes effort to stay on track. We live in constant tension between the forces that hold us together and those that pull us in different directions. Many have turned the fire of love to ashes because of their wrong beliefs. These couples believed that if we loved each other, we wouldn’t have to deal with problems at all. Here’s how this belief comes about.
Reading thoughts
Part of the myth of effortless relationships is the belief that partners can read each other’s minds: “My husband knows what I think, feel, and need. And I know the same about him.”
But we can’t read each other’s minds. One day Maria says to her husband, «Mark, I need more space.» His heart sank. He couldn’t believe their relationship was doomed. He thought they were great. They laughed until their stomachs ached, kissed all the time…
He took a deep breath, plucked up courage, and asked, «What do you mean?» “You took up too much space on the couch: please move over,” she replied. It’s good that he asked this question.
We must create conditions for partners in which they can honestly and openly tell what they think and feel
In the book «Intuition. How to understand what other people feel, think and want ”Nicholas Epley talks about how he asked participants in the experiment to rate their partners on a scale from 1 to 5: their self-esteem, abilities and preferences in household chores. He found that people were correct 44% of the time, even though they believed they were right 82%.
Even the time spent together doesn’t change anything. Long-term relationships create the illusion of understanding a partner.
The quality of a relationship depends on your ability to understand your partner and their ability to understand you. The secret of mutual understanding is not related to reading minds. We must create conditions for partners in which they can honestly and openly tell what they think and feel.
Consent in everything
This belief goes hand in hand with mind reading: we believe that our partner sees the world in exactly the same way as we do. But despite the fact that we speak the same language, we grew up in completely different conditions, we were influenced by different events. Therefore, it is impossible to share absolutely all views.
Take for example Lena and David. They recently graduated from university and planned to get married. David is a minimalist by nature. He rented a small apartment outside the city and thought that Lena would be happy.
Don’t dream of relationships without effort, this idea is doomed to failure
But everything went wrong. Lena was upset. She had lived in a tiny apartment all her life and believed that married couples should live in large apartments in the city center or in their house with new cars in the garage. She felt betrayed. They soon separated.
Do not dream of a relationship without effort, this venture is doomed to failure. To communicate and understand each other, effort is needed. Efforts are needed to identify disagreements and come to a compromise.
This does not mean that «they lived happily ever after» is possible only in fairy tales. It would be more accurate to say: «They worked on the relationship happily ever after.»
About the author: Kyle Benson is a psychologist and family counselor.