Is it worth leaving letters to relatives in case of serious illness or death? How will such a message help both the person himself and his loved ones? What to write about? We understand the “inconvenient”, but important topic.
In December, I said goodbye to a loved one – my older friend and wise adviser, in a sense, a mentor. Even after her departure, she continues to give me wisdom lessons. One of them was the letters that she, having learned about the terrible diagnosis, left to loved ones.
They had everything. And instructions about the ritual side of the funeral. And the poem that she asked to read at parting. List of people who needed to be called to the funeral, and their phone numbers. And please scatter the ashes over the sea.
For the first time I directly met with such foresight, and she showed me another facet of feeling that remains even when a person is no more – love.
Uncomfortable topic
It is not customary to talk about death in our society, and it is doubly awkward to talk about preparing for death. Usually, making a will is the maximum that people are willing to do in advance. Due to historical reasons, the culture of expressing the “last will” is still being formed in Russia. People often avoid even thinking about the end of life.
But there are events that inexorably confront us with the fact of human mortality – and even, as Bulgakov’s character used to say, sudden death. Accidents, serious illnesses. Such events expose helplessness in the face of the merciless truth: it will happen to everyone.
Why write?
Lidia Fedorova, a clinical psychologist, writes: “Death is both a taboo and an attractive topic. Humanity is always looking for an answer to the question of what will happen next. Some use ready-made dogmas, others deny this side of life, living in the illusion of immortality and omnipotence, others freeze in fear.
But there are those who are trying to comprehend and realize the inevitability of death or were forced to face it. In their minds, it becomes an integral part of life. You can talk about it, think and fantasize and even negotiate, communicate with loved ones through it, when a direct conversation is impossible.
The inevitability of death makes life more valuable and makes it possible to think about what is really important. There is a desire to take care of loved ones, express gratitude, love and share experience when meeting with death. Such a letter provides an opportunity to speak out and be heard.
Perhaps this is an attempt to control, because it is important for us to control our life, our body – it’s easier to cope with frightening thoughts. In any case, writing such a message suggests that a person looked his fear in the face, entered into a relationship with him, was able to take something valuable for himself and share with loved ones. And this is important for those who will live.”
The letter may contain words of farewell – very meaningful for those who have to mourn the loss.
“If a person does not have the opportunity to talk with someone who has died, in psychological practice he is offered to write a letter and take it to the grave, thus symbolically ending the conversation.
In palliative care, psychologists advise the dying to leave letters that relatives can read after they die, because it is not always possible to sincerely speak and be heard, even when everything is already decided. The living often regret the understatement in a relationship.
It seems that something is missing, and this aggravates the process of mourning. Such letters will help to put aside the innuendo and open the way for the grieving to experience their loss, ”adds Lidia Fedorova.
“If I died…”
What can be written in such a message?
- Where is the passport and other documents, money, bank cards stored – perhaps pin codes for them.
- What kind of religious, spiritual rite should be performed, the contacts of the confessor.
- A list of people that relatives can call and invite to the funeral.
- How should the farewell ceremony and funeral or cremation go? Clothes, favorite flowers, music. The wish to scatter the ashes in a special place.
- Dispositions regarding property and information about where the will is kept, in what setting and by whom it must be read. Perhaps a person would like his friends to take some things in memory of him.
- Words of farewell to loved ones.
Everyone can add their own to these points.
Olga, historian, 68 years old: “This kind of testament is a reflection on how to dispose of one’s heritage, and not only material. Summing up the deliberate results of your life, its assessment. It largely reflects the worldview of a person – how he thinks, how he thinks and even formulates.
Reasonable foresight
Death is not the only reason to leave a message to relatives “in case”. Organizing your thoughts and making a list of important information can help make other situations much easier.
Due to an accident or an accident, a person may be unconscious or in a coma, without the ability to tell the family where his medical policy is, whether there is VHI insurance, how to contact the attending physician or employer.
In some cases, for example, upon learning that he is ill and losing his memory, a person may leave a letter to himself in advance with advice or a reminder of something important. This is how a couple in love from the book and film “The Notebook” recalls the story of their life from a written diary.
The hero of the series True Detective, who suffers from dementia, kept audio recordings for himself. Such a letter can become a tangible support both at the time of writing and when reading.
The composition of such a message will seem reasonable to someone, and will cause superstitious protest in someone. However, these actions will provide an opportunity to cope with the fear of death and take care of loved ones.