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Everyone knows the feeling of guilt. Sometimes it is so familiar that you want to somehow get rid of it. Why do we need guilt, how to separate its «healthy» form from the inappropriate one, and what steps to take to deal with this feeling? Clinical psychologist John Grohol says.
Most of us have been familiar with this feeling since childhood — and it’s part of a child’s normal development. It is guilt that shows us that we have drifted away from our core values. It forces us to take responsibility if our actions have led to negative consequences, helps to develop self-awareness. And, finally, it is precisely this that allows us to explore how our behavior affects others and correct it, avoiding the repetition of mistakes.
Is there a way to deal with guilt—accept it when it’s appropriate and let it go when we don’t need it? Clinical psychologist John Grohol offers his strategy for working with this feeling.
1. Determine if guilt is appropriate now. If yes, what is its purpose?
If we have harmed ourselves or others, this feeling signals this, helping us to grow and mature. For example, we said something hurtful to someone or went headlong into work, forgetting about the family — in such cases, it warns us that we need to change our behavior, otherwise we risk losing loved ones.
John Grahol calls this healthy or appropriate guilt, because it helps us change the “settings” of morality and behavior. Ignoring it, we act at our own peril and risk.
The problem comes when we don’t actually need to revise the behavior or make changes. For example, many mothers worry when they go to work even part-time. They are afraid that this may harm the development of their baby. However, in most cases this is not the case, and children develop normally even if both parents go to work. In such a case, writes Grohol, the guilt is «unhealthy» or «inappropriate» because it does not serve a rational purpose.
“When you feel guilty about eating five chocolate bars in a row, your brain is trying to tell you that you may be injurious to health,” the expert explains. “The rational purpose of guilt in this case is to try to persuade you to change your behavior.” And the purpose of unhealthy guilt is to make us feel bad.
2. Change something instead of drowning in guilt
If the guilt we feel is healthy, appropriate, and serves a rational purpose, we need to start changing our behavior. Many people drown in this feeling and cannot move forward, although sometimes it is enough just to apologize to the one we offended with an inappropriate remark. It is more difficult (but also possible) to realize that a career interferes with relationships, and to find a balance between work and the time we spend with loved ones.
It also happens that the appropriate guilt comes back again and again until we learn the lesson and learn how to correct our behavior. It’s rather annoying, but ultimately effective. The sooner we change something — for example, we repair the damage, try to behave differently and follow the words — the sooner this feeling will disappear.
3. Accept that you did something wrong and move on.
Remember the words from the children’s song? “Maybe we offended someone in vain — the calendar will close this sheet.” An experienced psychologist will say about the same thing: having hurt someone or done something wrong, we must admit that we are not able to change the past. Of course, you need to apologize and try to correct the mistake if it is still possible and appropriate, but then you should let go of the situation. “The more we are consumed by the thought that we need to do something more and more, the longer the guilt will stay with us, interfering with relationships with others,” says Grohol.
Guilt is usually a situational feeling: something happens to us, we do inappropriate actions or harm, and then we feel bad for a while, but gradually let go of us. The sooner action is taken, the sooner the person we offended and ourselves will feel better. But if you continue to “cook” in this state without doing anything, there is a great risk that unpleasant experiences will not leave us for a long time.
4. Learn from mistakes
Our bad self-perception is not the purpose of guilt. Healthy guilt tries to draw our attention to mistakes and help us learn from them the right lesson. And if we learn something from it, we will be less likely to repeat mistakes in the future.
“If the guilt does not help you learn the lesson and correct the real mistake, this is an unhealthy feeling,” the expert said. In this case, you need to understand what is the reason for the experiences. For example, we may feel guilty if we spent our work hours playing games. But if we work for ourselves and allocate time ourselves, then this feeling is an echo of the thinking formed over the years of working for others.
5. Recognize that no one is perfect.
“Striving for perfection in everything is a recipe for failure, because it can never be achieved,” says John Grahol. Everyone makes mistakes, and for many the guilt «catches up» later, when they finally realize the consequences of their actions. The key is to recognize the mistake and accept the fact that we are only human.
We don’t have to let this feeling eat us up for days, weeks and months, undermining our self-esteem (which is exactly what happens when we are sure that we must be perfect and always do the right thing).
Guilt is one of the experiences that tells us something important. But not every emotion and not every feeling of guilt is rational. “The next time you feel guilty, ask yourself if she is trying to teach you something useful in behavior, words and deeds, or is it just an emotional and irrational response to the situation,” the expert suggests. Answering this question will be the first step in helping you deal with this feeling better in the future.
About the author: John Grahol is a clinical psychologist.