My six-year-old son suddenly began to behave at home insolently and disrespectfully. He, for example, can say: “Get out of here.” When I ask him to take out the trash, he gu.e. calls me names, gets angry. I feel it’s important to let him vent his emotions, so I don’t stop those outbursts. Do you approve of my actions?
By no means can I agree with them. Your son has consciously begun to act defiantly and has decided to see how far you let him go with his behavior. If this situation is not stopped in time, then it will gain strength day by day, the boy will show more and more disrespect for any of the people around him, and you will have to wait for much more daring tricks, especially when the teenage period comes. Of all the forms of behavior for which a child should be punished, it is this kind of behavior that should be mentioned first. It is a direct attack on the role of parents as its leaders and is directed against them as individuals. This is especially dangerous when the child is well aware that he is behaving in relation to them is unacceptable.
As for the need to let out «a pair of anger», sometimes a child can be allowed to do this, but without him offending anyone. For example, a child throws an accusation to his mother in tears: “You were dishonest with me, you put me in a stupid position in front of my friends.” It needs to be understood and responded to calmly and sincerely. But parents should never let a child say things like, «You’re so stupid, I want you to leave me alone!» In the first case, the statement sounds like a sincere expression of disappointment and resentment on a specific occasion. In the second — as the desire to strike at the dignity and authority of parents. My opinion is that in the second situation, damage is done to representatives of both generations. Such behavior must be stopped.
The children who live next door to us misbehave with each other and are disrespectful to adults. This makes me sad, but I don’t know if I can intervene. I’m not sure I have the right to teach the children of my neighbors. How should I behave in this situation?
Neighbors must learn to talk to each other about their boys and girls. This requires a certain amount of skill. There is no more effective way to quickly anger a mother than another woman trying to criticize her precious child. This is a very sensitive topic of conversation. That is why neighborhood relationships usually do not encourage the formation of at least a weak «feedback» between parents to discuss the behavior of their children. And boys and girls, well aware of the lack of relationship between adults, take advantage of these invisible barriers. Every neighborhood needs a mother who has the courage to say, “I want to be told everything my child does when she gets out of her own home. If he misbehaves with other children, then I would like to know about it. If he is impolite to adults, please tell me about it. I don’t think it’s some kind of slander. I have nothing against you coming to me. I hope I can share my impressions with regard to your children. None of our sons and daughters can be considered perfect, and we can better understand the problems of their upbringing if we talk to each other about our children openly, as adults.
Please advise how to react if, in a state of anger and irritation, the child says: “I hate you!”
If my child, at the moment of his extreme irritation, suddenly began to shout that he hates me, then probably, if this happened for the first time, I would wait until he cools down and then talk to him in a spirit of goodwill and sincerity. I would say, “Charlie, I understand that you were very upset this afternoon when we had a disagreement. I think you and I have something to talk about and find out what you want. All children get angry at their parents from time to time, especially when the child feels that they are being treated unfairly. I understand that you were upset and annoyed, and I regret that we came to such a collision. But what happened cannot justify your saying that you hate me. You must have noticed that I never told you that I hated you, no matter how upset I was by your behavior. And I can’t have you say things like that to me. When people treat each other with love, like you and I, then they do not have a desire to cause mutual pain. Your statement of hatred towards me caused me the same pain that you would feel if I said such words to you. You can always just tell me if something makes you angry. I will listen to you carefully. If I am wrong in something, then I will try to do everything in my power to eliminate the causes; which made you angry. I really want you to calmly tell me everything that worries you, even if it is connected with some unpleasant situation. But understand and remember that I will never allow you to scream, insult and pour out your anger on me. If you behave so indecently, I will have to punish you. Do you want to tell me something? If not, then hug me, because I love you so much!
My goal would be to remove the effect of the negative emotions of the child, and in such a way as not to indulge in manifestations of cruelty, disrespect and the desire to lead me.
What place in the mind of a child should a feeling of fear in relation to his parents take?
There is a well-defined distinction between healthy, perfectly acceptable «reverence» and destructive fear. The child must have a clear idea of the consequences of his attempts to defy his parents. But, of course, it is unacceptable that a child, having lost sleep, lies at night in fear of parental hostility or cruelty. One rather harsh example will perhaps help illustrate the difference between these forms of fear. A busy highway is a dangerous place to walk. Indeed, only a potential suicide would dare to enter the fast lane at six o’clock on a Friday evening, when everyone is rushing home or out of town from work. I, for one, am not stupid enough to test the danger first hand, as I have a healthy, normal fear of a fast moving car. As long as it doesn’t occur to me to do stupid things and be weird, I have no reason to worry. This source of danger does not pose a threat to me, since it can only arise in the event of my willful willfulness and violation of the rules. And I would like my child to proceed in relations with me from the same reasonable position. As long as he does not openly and deliberately challenge me, he can live in complete safety. He will not need to urgently hide or flinch when I suddenly decide for some reason to scratch the back of my head. He should not feel fear because of the assumption that I will want to make fun of him or treat him somehow unkindly. He can enjoy the feeling of complete safety and security, but … until he decides to show self-will. Then he will have to face the consequences of such behavior.
Sometimes I feel like I’m overreacting to my child’s minor misbehavior, and other times I’m not able to properly respond to deliberate defiance. Please advise when it is not necessary to pay attention to the bad behavior of the child, and when it is necessary to fight back?
The ability to read the thoughts and feelings of your child is an art that can only be learned by parents who take the time to understand the behavior of their children. The key to the competent performance of parental duty lies, first of all, in the ability to put oneself in the place of a child, and in such a way that he sees the environment with his eyes and feels everything that he feels. When a child feels lonely, he needs the company of his mother or father. When stubbornness and rebelliousness flare up in him, he needs their help. When he is afraid of something, he needs to feel under the protection of adults. When something arouses his curiosity, he needs to be calmly explained to him. When he is happy, he seeks to share his fun and joy with those he loves.
Parents who are able to understand their child’s feelings are almost always able to respond correctly to his needs and meet his true needs. When this level of educational process is reached, this kind of education can be considered a high-class art. But this requires the greatest wisdom, patience, devotion and love.