In our time, situations where a woman becomes the main earner in the family are no longer so rare. Research shows that this does not go unnoticed in relationships.
From the point of view of the woman herself, she studied and worked hard for many years to get a well-paid job, and now her husband just has to get used to the new reality. Some problems that women who earn more than their husbands need to be aware of.
1. Sexual life suffers from the rearrangement of sex roles. Women who become breadwinners in the family or simply earn more than their husbands do not fit into traditional gender stereotypes. Family roles are becoming increasingly blurred. As a result, the couple’s intimate life often suffers.
Sexual fantasies are often based on traditional ideas about gender roles, although this does not mean that partners really want to adhere to these roles in everyday life. But if in ordinary life they deviate very far from traditional roles, their attraction to each other may weaken. This does not mean that they will actually have to change their established roles, but it is important to consider this effect. Think about what you can do to restore mutual attraction – for example, change your roles at the level of play and fantasy, without changing them in reality.
2. You treat him with disdain. Some men think that this state of affairs degrades them, deprives them of their masculinity. There may be a feeling that they are losing some kind of competition to their spouse.
However, this reaction does not occur for everyone. Perhaps they do not want to take on more household chores, as this does not bring them joy at all, but rather the opposite. All this is hard for them. And, of course, if such disagreements arise, the wife cannot simply say: “Oh my God, stop suffering already because you don’t feel like a man!”
Many women find it difficult to understand their attitude to family responsibilities: they are both desirable and painful.
As with any other problem, understanding and empathy is important. Think about how you can help each other feel more comfortable in their new roles. He can take on some responsibilities that will help him feel more courageous: repairing, fixing the car, etc.
3. You yourself do not know how to relate to this situation. For women who earn more, it is also difficult. Often they want to work in a responsible and well-paid job, but at the same time they are still tormented by doubts. For example, due to the fact that they do not have enough time to communicate with children and take care of them. Due to the fact that the husband cannot be relied upon financially, a sense of security may be lacking. Understanding this can be tricky.
And what about the so-called “invisible work” of women (duties of mother and housewife)? Yes, many women are weighed down by this burden, but many at some level still want to fulfill these responsibilities. They want to take the child to the pediatrician themselves, watch how he is weighed and measured for height, and if they can’t find the time for this, they begin to suffer. Many women find it difficult to understand themselves and their ambivalent attitude towards family responsibilities, which are both desirable and painful for them. It would be best to take over the main thing (trips with the child to the doctor, to various events and extracurricular activities), and entrust the rest to someone else.
4. A man loses the meaning of life. We always say: “I do not compete with my husband / wife.” But we still compete with each other, although we are not always aware of it. If the husband’s career stops developing, and the wife begins to earn more, he may develop self-doubt, he will begin to ask questions: “Well, where is “my” sphere then?”.
Uncertainty often leads to discontent and anger. It is important for many to have some kind of life goals that are not related to the family. It rarely happens that a man does not need it at all. But it is possible to find meaning and purpose in life even without large incomes. He can run a business from home, be a researcher or a writer.
For most men, it is important that they can say: “I am someone.” It is equally important that his activities are supported by his spouse. Most people believe that a spouse should give them happiness and joy, and if this does not happen, they file for divorce. A partner cannot make you happy, only you can find happiness for yourself. But a partner can help you with this. If he does not support you, you may become depressed, and this will cast doubt on the future of your relationship.
Do not try to control everything, transfer some of the responsibility to him and do not forget to say “thank you”
5. You don’t let him take over some of the responsibilities. Taking care of the house, raising children, family matters and obligations… “Some men will say, ‘Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of everything.’ But he will do everything in his own way, not exactly the same way as you would do it. Most likely, spouses have different ideas about how to properly perform daily duties.
It may be normal for him to give the children a cake for breakfast: “They won’t die from this, everything will be fine with them.” And she, having heard this, will think: “Well, that’s it, now I have to deal with this.” Consider what you can leave in his care. Saying (explicitly or implicitly): “No matter what you do, it will still be bad, because you do not do it the way I do,” you only push your husband away from you.
It turns out that, having lost the status of the earner, he tried himself as the main educator and housewife, but now he is being told that he cannot cope with this either. It is important to make it clear to him that you appreciate his contribution to the common family business. So do not try to control everything, transfer some of the responsibility to him and do not forget to say “thank you”.
About the Expert: Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist, psychoanalyst, and author of several best-selling books.