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First you need to figure out why he said this: what if he wants to “do you good” out of the best feelings, the psychologist believes. But the answers of others are more categorical.
Evgeny Yakovlev, psychologist, business coach
I would suggest this option:
- Emphasize that what he said is important to you (and this, of course, is true).
- Ask for a detailed explanation of why he offers this to you (what thoughts or feelings guide him).
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That is, you still don’t need to send the young man right away: maybe out of the best feelings, he idiotically decided to motivate you like that. From the most that neither is love – to catch up and do good. Give him a chance to explain it. People in relationships do stupid things and worse. If it turns out that his act is a clumsy concern, try to explain that this should never be done with you under any circumstances. This is called “formatting” in a relationship, or setting personal boundaries. Any healthy puppy, child, any normal adult from time to time, often unconsciously, tests the boundary of what is acceptable in a relationship. This is fine. What happens next depends on your reaction.
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You can say “no” in any form. I would recommend a few items.
- Say that you treat him well, and, in fact, this is the only reason why you will try to explain everything once (!) Once. This will set the general context.
Then use the “I-statements” technique:
- Give an accurate non-judgmental description of the situation. Not “when you, a goat, imagined to yourself”, but “when a person whom I love and respect sets a condition for me that I must fulfill …”
- Full sincere description of their feelings. For example: “…I am furious. I’m ready to throw him out of my life at that very second. At the same time, the person is dear to me, I have a lot of regret and annoyance that right now we can part forever, but there is not a second of doubt … “
- Explain why: “Because for me, relationships in which they give me ultimatums, and even related to my body, are unacceptable!” (If this is exactly what is unacceptable. If not quite this or quite another, state precisely.)
- Desired result: “Therefore, I expect that a man close to me can talk about his desires and listen to my counter desires, but he will never, under any circumstances, tell me to do something to myself under the threat of his departure.”
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Words, of course, may be different. You can also throw out all the “I-statements”. But they work: not always, but often. Because the other person is different. He may see things differently. If he came drunk with two prostitutes, what would you say? So, he can see the situation like this: you are doing the unacceptable, getting fat, well, here he is …
“I-statement” gives a chance to a person to see the situation through your eyes. Only in the part of the “desired result” formulate as specifically as possible. “Show respect” is vague and incomprehensible. “Never and under no circumstances will he say that I would do something to myself under the threat of his departure,” is already clearer.
But: if in the process of clarifying you realize that he does not care about you at all, but simply wants you to change, drive him with a filthy broom without any talk immediately, and be glad that everything was revealed in time.
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Andrey Motovilov, industrial climber
Leave him and find yourself someone who will like her anyway. Or leave him, lose weight and find yourself someone better. Or leave him, sign up for asexuals, childfree, ride elephants in India, paint a dozen paintings, go on an expedition to Antarctica, or something else. But in any case, you need to get rid of the guy – this is not the case.
Lika Ovcharenko, designer
The guy, instead of supporting, manipulates and behaves badly, threatening to break off relations. Relationships are not the subject of such bargaining. It turns out that the guy considers it normal to leave the girl, “if not …”. First, lose weight, then stop seeing friends, then something else. People should be able to negotiate without threats. If a guy believes that without such manipulations it will not be possible to agree, he does not trust the girl and considers himself a noticeably more important person in a relationship. It also seems to me that such relationships are hopeless and it is better to break them yourself. His opinion is just an opinion, there are other people who like full girls, and even more so there are people who value relationships and are not ready to scatter them. Anyway, sooner or later the appearance of any person will change not for the better. You need to look for people with whom a spiritual connection and warm relationships are possible, and not waste time with those who care only about appearance.
See the original answer at TheQuestion service.