If a colleague is your friend: the rules of subordination

Controversial privileges

“When discussing the issue of subordination, we should talk about the adequate alignment of boundaries in relationships, working or friendly,” says psychologist Marina Baburina. Friendships involve closer communication, discussion of personal topics and dedication of the other to the details of his life.

The danger in working with loved ones arises in those moments when we feel a special attitude: “I am no longer just a colleague, I am a friend.” According to the psychologist, this position also has its advantages: “I know a person better and can feel calmer, more stable in any position, both as a boss and as a subordinate.”

On the other hand, there are also disadvantages: “If I am lazy, I will wait to be forgiven. I will hope for a special position, indulgence, concessions and concessions.

To avoid difficult situations, it is important to immediately discuss clear boundaries between working relationships and friendships, explains Marina Baburina. If you’re the boss, it’s worth saying, “I appreciate you as a friend, but this is work and I’ll demand of you just like everyone else.”

If, on the contrary, you are a subordinate, then the wording may be as follows: “You are the leader, and I am ready for exactingness, control in matters of readiness and quality of the task I perform.”

“Regardless of the position, whether it is “we are colleagues-friends”, “I am the boss” or “a friend is my boss”, it is necessary to clearly define the boundaries of personal relationships and work. Otherwise, a blurry relationship will in any case affect both friendship and workspace, ”says the expert.

A strong friendship won’t break?

“It is more important to build not even borders, but dialogue. To quote Theodore Roosevelt: “The most important formula for success is knowing how to deal with people,” notes psychologist Svetlana Bokach. – In my practice, there were very few people who clearly know how to distinguish between work and friendship or combine friendship with work. A lot depends on the personality of the person.

In general, how can business affect friendship? He will either destroy it – it is possible that the business itself along with it – or strengthen it. It depends on how people are able to build a constructive dialogue, hear each other, express their emotions and feelings in the correct form, share responsibility, accept each other’s features and come to a compromise, the psychologist explains.

Should you mix work and friendship? According to Svetlana Bokach, there is no single correct solution. Everyone who is faced with this issue should choose on their own, taking into account the characteristics – both their own and a friend’s.

If the answer is yes, then it is necessary to take into account the possible consequences, build a structure of relationships. And it is important to do this “on the shore”, before you have to – and sooner or later it will happen – a difficult situation. Even if it seems to you that you and your friend think exactly the same way.

Conflict situations

How does friendship make it difficult to work together? For example, in conflict situations, it can prevent you from correctly separating emotions, seeing an exclusively subordinate in front of you and conveying information at the level of “leader-subordinate”, without adding anything personal to communication with him. Here, too, a “transition to the individual” is possible.

Or, due to the versatility and complexity of relationships, the boss will not be able to express his dissatisfaction, professional criticism to a friend in a timely manner, as a result, grievances will accumulate. In the end, when all this comes out, the risk of losing the relationship is great.

“Also, one should not exclude the influence of power on a person, which may not affect friendly communication in the most favorable way. After work, it can be difficult to switch from the role of boss to the role of friend, as well as at work – from the role of friend to the role of boss, ”explains the psychologist.

You are the boss, friend is the subordinate

“Friendship in such a situation can both help strengthen relations and hinder,” explains Svetlana Bokach. – Relationships can become more sincere, there will be more understanding and support, and this is a powerful resource.

But there are also risks: at some point, without even noticing it, you can start to distinguish your subordinate friend from the background of other employees. This will cause dissatisfaction on the part of other subordinates. Or you will begin to abuse friendship and load a friend with super tasks. Of course, he can refuse and even should do it. But then, probably, you will be offended by him – after all, he, your friend, did not go forward.

This is also true in the opposite direction: when a friend begins to use a close relationship with his boss to his advantage. This will entail a violation of subordination in the entire team, if a friend is not the only subordinate, and will provoke conflicts with a possible “transition to personalities,” the psychologist claims.

If you are on an equal footing

If you and your friend are colleagues, then rivalry between you cannot be ruled out. Or if you are the boss, then your friend may dream of taking your place.

In any case, before you start working together, you need to weigh the pros and cons and evaluate how much you are both able to negotiate, accept criticism and be responsible for your work responsibilities without relying on a special relationship.