We fondly remember the time spent with my grandmother during the holidays. Her readiness to indulge in something tasty at any moment, indulgence to pranks, boundless kindness … As a rule, these memories are wonderful if at the same time our mother raised us. What happens when the child is finally given to the upbringing of the grandmother?
Life throws us different tasks, and their solution is not always simple and clear. It happens that parents build a career and simply cannot pay much attention to the child, because they are trying to feed the family. There are also sad stories when the new partner of one of the parents does not accept the child, and then the relatives decide to take over the upbringing of their son or daughter. What is the risk?
“When a child is given to the elders in the family, there is a substitution of roles. And the mother often becomes a pampering, all-forgiving «grandmother». Arriving, she gives the child gifts because of guilt, allows everything and maintains the illusion that she will soon take him away, after which he will begin a new, wonderful life. Mom turns into an imaginary friend for him, with whom he conducts mental dialogues. The most dangerous thing is that a friendship is formed between a mother and a child, but there is no organic attachment. A woman does not feel that this is her child, just as the child does not understand that this is his mother, ”says psychologist Marina Myaus.
Grandmother, who in another situation personifies the opportunity to fool around with impunity or get something desired, in this case takes on the functions of a tough educator. And if the relationship between her and her daughter leaves much to be desired, she may not spare the child and openly declare that his mother has abandoned him. But she is his only defense and hope, so he must obey her.
In order to avoid mistakes, the grandmother establishes strict hypercontrol, which is perceived by the grandson or granddaughter as violence
“At first, my grandmother told me that my mother got married and it was difficult for her to have a baby, so I need to be patient a little, they will definitely pick me up,” recalls Irina. “But then she was no longer shy and could say that my mother is irresponsible and gave birth to children that no one needs, and now she has to take care of them.”
How children are presented with the current situation, of course, depends on the sense of tact, the ability to compassion and the upbringing of the grandmother herself.
But in most cases, we are talking about an age person who is often burdened with a set of diseases and not a particularly easy outlook on life (and perhaps, on the contrary, extreme intolerance). Constant interaction with the child and responsibility for him is burdensome. And, in order to avoid mistakes, the grandmother establishes strict hypercontrol, which the grandson or granddaughter perceives as violence.
The conflict due to the fact that an elderly woman has been given tasks that are beyond her strength is exacerbated by the fact that both sides play other people’s roles: the child is forced to consider her as the only guarantor of her safety, the grandmother to communicate with him from the position of an educator who is personally responsible for all decisions .
The flip side of grandma’s guardianship
Feelings of inferiority
“I remember with a shudder how my grandmother forced me to wear tights for girls under trousers and a scarf under a hat,” Kirill admits. — When all the peers had long gone to school themselves, she led me by the hand. Out of economy, she always cut my hair herself, and the whole class laughed at me.
Because of the grandmother’s strict control, the child often becomes an outcast, with whom no one is in a hurry to make friends. And because of the separation from his mother, he develops a strong conviction that he is not good enough for her to take him. He is worthless, ugly, defective.
“To displace this feeling, the child adapts and often creates a myth for peers about a distant, beautiful mother doing something especially interesting. Children, on the other hand, often ruthlessly expose this myth, causing him to suffer even more, and this wound remains with a person for many years, ”says the expert.
addictive behavior
Feeling vulnerable, the child learns to deserve the recognition of others. It is not uncommon for children to bring the best things and toys from home and give them to a friend just to maintain friendship. At the same time, they lie to Grandma that everyone loses.
In the future, a person takes this behavioral pattern into adulthood, constantly trying to please, to give the other side much more than to take from it in return.
Unresolved conflict with mother
The fruit of grandmother’s overprotection often turns out to be a weak character of a person and a willingness to rely on anyone who takes responsibility for him in everything. Or perfectionists grow up from such children, striving to become the best in everything.
“Behind these patterns of behavior is a deep unfulfilled need to be recognized by the mother. In the first case, it sounds like: “I will not bring trouble and will be completely invisible so as not to disturb you, mommy. Just take me back.» In the second: “I will be so beautiful, smart and successful that you can always be proud of me,” Marina Myaus explains.
These messages, leaving in adulthood, are projected onto other close people. Growing up, such a person hardly enjoys life, does not know how to build equal relations.
“In order to begin to unravel this tangle, it is important to honestly deal with your feelings, which sometimes turns out to be very difficult,” the psychologist notes. — Often we continue to hold on to the myth: mom is not to blame for anything, the circumstances have developed. Only by allowing yourself to fully live hidden emotions, you can accept and let go of everything that happened in childhood. What we are not able to change, but we can realize, accept and move on, more confidently and meaningfully.