If a child tests you for strength …

The most obedient children from time to time always check whether it is possible to disobey their parents? The main type of test is a test of the stability of parents before a child’s attack, when the child suddenly stops obeying and actively insists on his desires. A child throws a challenge to parents! If you show a child weakness here, the child understands that parents can be outplayed. And he starts using it.

J. Dobson writes: “I once had to talk to the mother of a very disobedient thirteen-year-old boy who scorned the slightest hint of parental authority. He did not return home until two in the morning and defiantly ignored any demands from his mother. Assuming that this problem did not arise today, I asked the woman to tell how it all began. She remembered it quite distinctly. Her son was not yet three years old when one day, while putting him to bed, she received a spit in the face.

She explained to him how important it was not to spit in her mother’s face, but her speech was interrupted by another spit. This woman was convinced that all disagreements should be resolved through discussions, in the spirit of love and mutual understanding. So she wiped her face and began her speech again—and once again got a well-targeted shot of saliva. Growing disconcerted, she shook her son, but not hard enough to ward off another spit.

What was she to do? Her philosophy did not offer her a worthy response to this overwhelming challenge. Finally, in desperation, she ran out of the room, and the little victor’s spitting after her hit the slammed door. The mother lost the fight, but the son won. The woman, with pain and irritation, confessed to me that since that time she had never been able to defeat her son!

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​None of the parents wants to get into hard fights with their own children, but, in fact, hard fights happen only to those parents who have already “launched” the situation, who before this missed small calls from the child. The first trials of the child are only trials, the child challenges the parents still uncertainly, and here it is not difficult for the parents to show firmness. Do it!

Danila is 1 year old, usually she listens to her parents easily. This time he climbed onto the sofa, stretched out his hand to the picture hanging on the wall, and looks at his mother. «Daniel, come to me!» — does not go. He shook the picture and looks at his mother — what will be the reaction? “Daniel, you can’t touch the painting. Come here, otherwise I’ll punish you.” Continuing to look at my mother, he shook the picture strongly again: what will happen? Mom calmly put Danila in a corner, he sobbed defiantly for five minutes. Then he calmed down, his mother called him, explained again that the picture should not be touched. Although the point is not that Danila did not know this: this time he checked what would happen if he did not obey his mother?

On the other hand, sometimes anxious parents see a child’s challenge where there is none at all. When a child throws “Mom, I hate you!” in your face, it may not mean anything, and immediately “shoot” the child (How dare you! So that I don’t hear this again! ) Here early. Most often, the child is simply angry with you and does not know how to express his feelings in a civilized way: here you need not be angry with the child, but calmly teach how such problems are solved.

“I see that you are angry with me. It’s not scary, you can stomp your feet if you want, so angry feelings come out faster. But you know the order: first you put away your toys, we watch TV only after that. Can I help you?»

In a fight with children, those parents lose who, it seems, are completely children themselves and are used to playing helplessness.

“My daughter, she is four years old, turns on the TV by herself after I turned it off. Whatever I say, she is crying loudly at this time and shows with her appearance that she does not hear anything! — dear mother, if you cannot cope with the child, at least cope with the TV: you can pull out the power cord (or other part) from it and take it away. And you don’t need to say anything: you will start the conversation only after the daughter calms down and stops crying. This is the alphabet that any child from the age of two or three knows (should already know): “While you are crying, I do not understand you. If you want to ask me for something, you need to stop crying and tell me everything calmly so that I can understand you.

Sometimes you can slap hard. Once. One hard spank at the age of three or four and after that fifteen years of quiet friendship with a smart child is better than pampering a child in childhood and cursing with him for all subsequent years. The authority of parents is strengthened when, in a situation where a child is testing parental stability, parents show reasonable firmness. If the parents are worthy, then there is no need to quarrel with the parents, there is no need to rebel against them. You can negotiate with your parents for good, but you can’t demand from your parents what you want. Teach this to the kids!

Parents often underestimate the impression that talking to them «in an adult way» makes on children. Try it! At least for a five-year-old daughter to cry “If you are like that, I will leave you!” you can calmly explain: “I understand you, but you will not succeed. The fact is, we are your parents, and we have a civic duty to take care of you. And you have to listen to us. Do you want us to call other elders, and they will explain to you how your daughter should behave? Such reflection is much more effective than screams and tears.

But what if the time has already been lost, and a somewhat impudent teenager is already growing next to us? Moms usually give in in such cases, dads solve such issues easier, but they are also often afraid to remind the child about the rights of parents and the duties of children. Do not be afraid, it is useful and simply necessary. Alternatively, introduce him to the legal side of the case, write him a letter like this …

Dear child!

The relationship between parents and children is regulated by the Family Code of the Russian Federation. In accordance with Article 63 «The rights and obligations of parents in the upbringing and education of children» —

one). Parents have the right and duty to raise their children. Parents are responsible for the upbringing and development of their children. They are obliged to take care of the health, physical, mental, spiritual and moral development of their children.

It is not a question whether we want it or not: we, parents, are obliged to do it.

2). Parents are obliged to ensure that their children receive a basic general education and create conditions for them to receive a secondary (complete) general education.

I translate: parents are responsible for ensuring that the child goes to school and learns normally there. If the parents do not do this, they are summoned to the guardianship authorities and deprived of parental rights.

Also, in accordance with the law, parents are obliged to support their minor children, that is, to give them everything necessary for their healthy life and development. But buying things for children that they will show off to their peers is not the responsibility of parents. Also, the child does not have the right to entertain himself with games. How much and when our children will have fun — we, the parents, decide, thinking about the affairs of the family and the future of our children — the future for which we are obliged to prepare our children. Parents are not required to buy toys for their child to entertain them.

Everything that the parents bought for the child remains the property of the parents. Children have all these things in safekeeping mode and use them on the terms that their parents have formulated for them. If children use their things or toys incorrectly, parents take them away. If you behave badly, you will lose your computer and phone.

And yet, our dear child. Pay attention: in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation, your parents have no obligation to serve your desires, prepare breakfast for you when you can do it yourself, and there are no obligations to buy you what you want: a computer, a new phone, and other things that you already have. all your friends. They can do it if you behave with dignity.

Understand, this needs to be discussed only once in a lifetime! Dear parents, if you are strong and successful people (at least at work), show your fighting qualities at home: you are doing it for the sake of children! If a teenage son and daughter refuse to obey, you always have every right to calmly (or not calmly) say: “Son, do I understand you correctly that you don’t want to be a member of our family now, to obey your parents? In fact, we have the legislation of the Russian Federation. I am obliged to take care of you … «You may be interrupted:» You do not need to take care of me, I’m already an adult! — In response to this, calmly explain to your not quite adult child the legal situation:

“No, you are mistaken, you are not yet an adult. You will get your adult rights when you are 18 and start earning money to support yourself. If you refuse to obey your parents and do not want to be a member of our family, I suggest going to the guardianship department tomorrow, we will register you in an orphanage, and you will live there. In the meantime, we are taking away your computer and other entertainment that seems to interfere with your good thinking. If you don’t want to live the good, we’ll live the bad: do you need it? There is another suggestion: if you want to physically rage, then it’s better to immediately call the police and warn of your intentions, otherwise we will have to do it. Maybe we’ll solve the issue peacefully after all, will you turn off the computer now and sit down for lessons?”

If a child knows that you and your words are worth something, and over the years the mind has nevertheless appeared in his head, he will hear you. And everything will get better!

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.