If a child is teased at school

The child is teased at school. It does not matter what exactly was the reason for this for classmates — tall or, on the contrary, short stature, some other lack of appearance, a character trait, and so on. «Teasers», offensive nicknames, constant ridicule hurt the child, especially if he is naturally vulnerable and shy. There are times when this situation gets out of control and becomes irreversible. The child perceives school only as a place where he is subjected to bullying. This can affect his self-esteem, academic performance and, ultimately, his state of mind.

What should parents do in this case? What to do if your child is teased by classmates, if because of ridicule he does not want to go to school?

Psychologists advise parents not to interfere, at least openly, in the conflict of children. Your intervention will not cause other children to treat the child differently.

Classmates will not stop teasing, they will not understand that they are hurting someone. On the contrary, it is likely that the intercession of the elders will finally turn classmates against your child. They will not play with him on equal terms, they will not accept him into their company — he is a “sneak”, he could not cope on his own, but brought his parents.

Thus, the desire to personally deal with the offenders or the demand that the teacher “stop these bullying” by her authority will most likely lead to the isolation of the child in the circle of peers. In addition, the baby will draw another conclusion: he is not able to cope with difficulties on his own, he needs the help of adults. This will deprive him of self-respect and self-confidence. And, paradoxically, it will prevent him from respecting his own parents. After all, the child turned to them for help, and their intervention only worsened his situation.

How can you help your child in such a difficult situation?

Some parents advise children to deal with bullies in the most effective way. In most cases, such advice comes down to one thing: to find out the relationship directly, openly asking what does not suit the scoffers. Often these clarifications immediately turn into a fight, in which the one who is right does not always win.

In fairness, it must be said that such tactics sometimes lead to positive results. Participation in a fight, even if the victory was not absolute, quite often helps the child to assert himself. But you shouldn’t get carried away with it.

English psychologist Doris Brett, a practicing physician, an experienced specialist in child psychology, believes that it is not worth allowing a child to establish himself in the idea that any problem can be solved with his fists. On the contrary, it would be useful to show that it is possible to get out of the situation with honor in other ways, and to make the child understand that he is quite capable of doing this.

For this the child will need the help of parents who must convince him that the trouble is not with the one who is teased, but with the one who does it. The child should be made to understand that a person who is completely happy and satisfied with himself, his appearance, his character and self-confident will not pay attention to the shortcomings of others, even if these shortcomings are real.

There is a very effective way to deal with offenders: do not show how these “teasers” offend you, do not make it clear that you take them to heart.

Dr. Brett suggests that the conversation go something like this:

“Do you complain that Ira teases you all the time, and other girls pick up her words? I understand that this is terribly annoying. To the point that you want to cry. But crying won’t solve the problem. Tell me, did you cry at school? It didn’t come to tears, but you were upset, and the girls saw it? And what, after that they immediately stopped teasing you? Started to treat you better? No, it was quite the opposite.

So let’s think, how can we be? Of course I can talk to them. But it seems to me that as soon as I leave, and you are left alone, everything will start again. How do you think?

Perhaps we will act differently: no matter how difficult it may be, you will pretend that you are very confused by their words. Yes, it’s not easy. But think about what Ira and her friends are trying to achieve? Make you upset. And so far it has happened.

And you try to do otherwise. Smile. Think girls spend so much time and energy to make you sad. It’s really funny and stupid.

Why do you think Ira wants so much to draw the attention of other guys to your shortcomings? Perhaps she is not very confident in herself, otherwise she would not have acted like this. If you laugh, you will thereby show that all her words are just nonsense, and she is not behaving very smart. And others will soon understand. And they will also understand: if these words make you laugh, then all the “teasers” are not about you, and it will become completely uninteresting to laugh at you.

As Dr. Brett notes, practice shows that convincing a child that such behavior is really a real way out is not easy. And here, as always, a good example will help. Tell your child how you or one of your friends or relatives found yourself in a similar situation at one time.

The name of a famous actor, athlete or just a familiar person who managed to cope with a similar situation thanks to such a simple but effective method will also make a big impression.

It is necessary to try to convince the child that he needs to act on his own. “After all, mom and dad will not always be with you. So, you need to learn to protect yourself.»

As for the question of transferring a child who is teased by classmates to another school, it is impossible to give an unambiguous answer to it. It all depends on the specific situation.

The vast majority of psychologists advise trying to sort out the conflict on the spot, regardless of whether you transfer your child to another school or leave it in the same one. Otherwise, a relapse of the same conflict situation may well arise in the new team.

After all, the child simply ran away «from the battlefield.» And such a humiliating situation for him (turned out to be a loser without even trying to win) will certainly make itself felt in a new place. Let the school be different, but the parents transferred the load of problems together with their son or daughter to this team. And if the situation in the new school repeats itself, the child, instead of defending his position, again wants to simply avoid further trouble and leave all the difficulties behind, shifting the burden onto the shoulders of the parents.

Before the baby goes to a new class, it is recommended to talk with him, analyze the causes of the conflict and discuss together how to act in order to prevent the repetition of troubles in a new place.

It often happens that the established reputation of “crybaby”, “quiet”, “tough guy” does not allow the child to improve relations with classmates, even if he, on the advice of his parents, changes his behavior.

Changing behavior without preparation is extremely difficult even for an adult, old habits often take over, and this is in the order of things. Explain to the child that this is quite natural, because he is not a robot. Let the child remain himself, but try to be more self-critical, monitor his behavior and not repeat previous mistakes.

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