If a child interrupts you

Question: sometimes it seems like my kids don’t have any respect for what i do unless it’s related to them. They can be so gooey! No matter what I do — cook dinner, put on makeup, talk to a neighbor who dropped in for a minute — they feel they have the right to pounce on me in order to capture my full attention to them. I feel so ashamed! And only heaven can help the poor guy trying to talk to me on the phone! It sometimes seems to me that my children are programmed to drop everything and demand my attention as soon as the phone rings.

Answer: You are not alone! This annoying behavior of two to five year olds is very common, as children of this age are still in a very egocentric stage of development. They are focused on their own desires and needs, remaining completely indifferent to how inconsiderate they are to others. Some preschoolers also go through the «possessive» stage, intervening because they want absolute parental attention. Some parents scold children for interference from the very beginning, while others give in to their demands. If your child sees that by constantly interrupting you, he gets what he wants, you can be sure that this behavior will continue.

Immediate reaction

• Show your child that you will be there soon, even as you continue to talk to other adults, by holding your child’s hand, stroking their shoulder, scratching their back, or sitting up and hugging them.
• To end a conversation with a neighbor, give the child some task. Pause, look into his eyes and say: «Honey, I’ll take care of you as soon as you close the gate.» And then speak quickly!
• Invite your impatient child to have a little talk with the person who is calling you. It might change his mood.
• Place a three-minute hourglass next to the phone and calmly say, «Honey, as soon as all the sand has flowed down, I’ll finish talking on the phone and be ready to listen to you.» Then set the clock so that the child can see it. (Keep your word!)
• Be creative. For example, when your phone rings, «answer» the child’s toy phone first. Say: «Zhenya, this is for you.» And then take yours.
• Show immediately that you appreciate your child’s obedience in response to your request to wait. Say, «You’re doing great,» or «What an obedient child,» or simply, «Thank you.»

Tips for maintaining peace of mind

• Plan your day so that you have time to be one-on-one with your child, and he can get undivided attention from you. When a child knows that he will get your full attention later, he is less likely to interfere in your affairs at other times of the day. Even five minutes of «one on one» can be enough for a child, and he will feel more satisfied than from an hour of constantly interrupted communication.
• Remember to tell your child «I’m sorry» and praise him when he remembers «good manners.» But also explain to him that the endless «sorry» is another form of unpleasant interference or interruption.

Come up with a «secret code» that your child could use to get your attention (instead of interrupting you) when you’re busy or talking to someone.

The children agreed with their parents’ suggestion that they would shake their hands or touch the tip of their nose to get their attention. The parents said that they would respond with the same gesture to show the children that they were understood and would be answered soon.

• Understand that it is very difficult for a small child to wait for your attention, because he simply cannot think of anything else but what is bothering him — thirst, a bruised place, or a broken toy.
• Offer your child something interesting for him while he waits. Research shows that even the most impatient children can focus on the subject they want or enjoy. Children who are very patiently waiting for the attention of their parents are easily reoriented to another activity.

Natalia said: “While I finish cleaning myself up, you can play with sponges in the sink or go to your room and draw a picture for me with markers. Once I’m done, I’ll play with you.»

• Explain to the child that all people speak and listen in turn. Say that now it’s your turn to talk to someone, and then it will be his turn to talk to you, and you will listen to him. But after that, be sure to keep your promise.
• Let your child know that if you are going to do something very serious, you will be busy for a while. Before you begin your activity, ask your child if they need anything. When you are free, praise the child if he did not interfere, or interfered less than usual.
• Try to anticipate and prevent interventions, being ready for them. Have a cartoon or toy handy to keep your child busy while you talk on the phone.

Tatyana always had a “phone box” at hand. When she was about to talk on the phone, she pulled out this drawer, and the children could take out a special toy, game, or cassette from there, which were offered only during «mother’s phone calls.»

• If you work from home, make a small «stop light» and put it on your desk when you’re «at work» and don’t want to be interrupted (although this «works» for a short time). If you also put on your «work hat», your «visual message» will become even clearer.
• Call on modern technology to help. For example, buy inexpensive headphones. Many cordless phones have a special connection device. Then fasten the wireless receiver (telephone box) to your belt, and you are completely mobile with free hands and can safely play with the children while waiting for an important call.
• Consider calling when the kids are with a babysitter or sleeping.
• Use e-mail to contact friends and colleagues, even at 3 am: at least it’s calmer!
• Try to limit the amount of phone calls you make when you are with your child. Show him that he is more important to you than the caller by using an answering machine to receive the message.

Once, when Bella called her best friend, also a mother of a small child, she said to her: “Please don’t take it personally, but I’ve been on the phone all morning today, and Peter can’t take it anymore. Please, let’s talk quickly!» Bella not only understood her friend, she admired her desire to take into account the interests of the child first of all.

• From time to time it is worth stopping doing what you were doing and giving the child the time he needs to resolve some problem, and then continue with his studies.

Natalya noticed that her three-year-old son begins to constantly distract her as soon as she tries to do some work. And the more insistently she wants to finish it, the more insistently he whined and interrupted her. Mom realized that in the end it was better to satisfy her son’s requests first. Sometimes it only took her a few minutes to keep him occupied with something that made him happy for a long time. He was usually so engrossed in the game that he no longer interfered with it. For example, if she helped him assemble a train, her son would leave her alone for an hour.

• Look at the problem more broadly. When your child interferes or interrupts you, ask yourself two questions: “What does the child need? What do you need?

Karina recalls: “Although I decided to leave my job and concentrate entirely on raising my children, nevertheless, when I performed some household duties, and they constantly interfered, I was very annoyed. But I reminded myself that I’m staying at home to spend time with the children and enjoy it, and not to turn into a housewife! I started making a daily to-do list (a holdover from when I was working) that included things like «Play a game» or «Sing a song» or «Go to the park.» When I thought about how the day went, it was easier for me to “get over” what I didn’t have time to wash, because I was proud of what I did for the children!”

• Try to respond to children’s interventions in a positive way, both with words and gestures. Hope the child understands you correctly.

Galina was cleaning the kitchen when her son begged her to play with him immediately. Galina found that the child becomes more patient if she immediately stops, leans over to him and, looking into his eyes, says: «I can play with you as soon as I finish sweeping.» If she said while sweeping, «No, I can’t play right now, I’m busy!» the whining and pestering continued.

• Watch for signs that the child is on the brink of a breakdown, that he can’t take it anymore and really needs you. Pay attention to this before he starts a stunning gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooing. Does it lie on the floor or cling to your leg? If so, then it’s time to put your affairs aside and do it.

Tonya was making a to-do list when the nanny called and said she had a sore throat. Needless to say, Tonya was very upset. She had to revise the list she had made, taking into account the fact that she would have to go on business with her very active three-year-old son. The first step was to cut the list in half. Everything went well until the last point — going to the post office. Both mother and son were already tired, and Vanya began to act up and pull his mother’s skirt. Instead of paying attention to these «terrible» signs, Tonya continued to stand in a long line. And then it happened: all eyes were fixed on Tonya, who was standing at the mailbox without a skirt! Vanya pulled her wraparound skirt right on the floor! And it worked: he finally got her, and everyone else, to pay attention to him!

• If you promise your child to pay attention and listen to him, be sure to keep the promise (for example, “When I finish washing the dishes”, “Immediately after I close the window”, “When you speak politely”). Remember that children take literally everything you say. Before you promise that you will do something in a minute, make sure you mean a minute, not ten.

Summary

It is difficult for young children not to be the center of attention; with a lot of practice and a lot of patience you can help them become more empathetic towards others by teaching them that sometimes you have to wait to be heard!