Imagine a picture: a husband comes home from work, he is greeted by a beaming wife in a beautiful dress and a crystal clear cozy house. She treats him to a chic dinner, gives him a relaxing massage before going to bed and listens enthusiastically to his stories about work, traffic jams and a future conference. At night, any sexual pleasures of his choice. And so every day. What is it — a dream or a creepy utopia?
Where does it come from?
According to psychotherapist Irina Vinnik, the need to be comfortable appears in childhood: “Usually these are good girls who were not listened to by their parents. They weren’t asked what they wanted, they were told what was right.» They clearly know «what is good and what is bad.»
In a healthy family, a child grows up in an atmosphere of unconditional love: he is loved and accepted simply for what he is. If he is only praised when he does something «right», he understands that love is a reward for good behavior. Such children learn to be comfortable and do not understand that in a healthy sincere relationship these conditions are not present. The «ideal» woman, as a rule, does not know what she really is. As a child, she did not have the opportunity to know herself.
“A person cannot be only good or bad. Sometimes we can be very unpleasant people, and sometimes we are the best in the world, Irina adds. And we have to accept ourselves as different. If in childhood they wanted to see us only as correct, we will not learn to accept ourselves as different. At the same time, our dark side does not disappear anywhere, it continues to exist with us, hidden from superficial glances.
How is it manifested?
With a man, such a woman will also only be ideal in order to feel protected: as long as she is good, she is loved. Vedic psychology is built on this model, where a woman is taught to put a man at the forefront and be a humble wife. These relationships cannot be reliable and durable: they are initially unequal, because they are not built on partnership.
In the «ideal» couple there is not and cannot be love, dependence is hidden under its mask.
For example, a girl from a poor family meets a wealthy man. She will fully adapt to his desires, if only to earn love, which in this situation will be expressed in material security.
The role of the ideal wife is also manipulation. A woman behaves not the way she wants, but the way she “should”. She needs something from her husband, and she tries to get it by never taking off the mask of a good wife. It is difficult for a man to recognize this subtle manipulation, but he may feel that for some reason he does not what he wants, but what he is forced to do. He may feel constant pressure, but not associate it with the behavior of his wife.
The wife will be sure that she has found the perfect scheme to keep the marriage afloat, and the man will experience constant discomfort. Sooner or later he will not want to go home.
What threatens?
Why are such relationships attractive? The expert explains: everything here is built on patterns, the roles are clearly distributed. In real life, relationships are unpredictable, we cannot calculate how the future will turn out with a partner. And here everything is like at school: behave yourself, do your homework and you will get an A.
The sexual life of an ideal wife is a mechanical fulfillment of conjugal duty, there is often no real passion in it, and if a man sees her, he feels pretense, a desire to seem passionate, and not be her. In such a situation, he often gets a mistress. It’s not a lack of sex with his wife, but a lack of emotion and unpredictability. For such a wife, the foundation of the relationship is the fear of losing her husband, and this fear must be disposed of.
What to do?
A man does not need an ideal relationship and a comfortable wife, but a healthy relationship with an equal partner. In order to get out of the role of an ideal wife, you need to work on yourself. Where to begin?
1. Understand who you really are and what you want. It is a long process of getting to know yourself. Learn to listen to your desires and needs, allow yourself to be natural and do what you want.
2. Become a self-sufficient person: earn and provide for yourself, satisfy basic needs on your own.
3. Learn to just enjoy being in a relationship with the person you like.
4. Talk openly with a man. About everything: what you like and don’t like in a relationship, what you want and what you strongly disagree with. Be prepared to negotiate and compromise if your opinions differ.
After a successful work on yourself, a relationship with a man who is used to an ideal wife can crack. But do not be afraid: this is a good reason to find a man who will love you for who you are: both good and bad, kind and evil. Such love, real and not ideal, has a future.