“Do everything to internally separate the concepts of “myself” and “my child,” insists existential psychologist and psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova*.
Exam situations are always exciting. Bringing the result of your work to the judgment of other people is a traumatic moment that hurts anyone. And the more soul we have invested in our work, the more disturbing our condition. We feel insecure and dependent – on other people and other people’s assessments.
Very often, a child’s exam – graduation or transitional – is perceived by parents as their personal, as a test of their work. Especially if they treat the growing person as their own project, in which too much has been invested. This attitude raises great concerns about his success. If the upcoming exams worry you too much, you have to do some inner work, the purpose of which is to separate yourself from the child.
Think: if you are so nervous, what is the problem here? Maybe you remember how you yourself received only fives at this age, and are not ready to accept the fact that your child is not an excellent student and does not worry about it? Would you like it to repeat your path, be your copy? Ask yourself: do I admit that he is a different person, unique and incomparable to anyone else? Does it deserve the rating that I want to see? Look at it not through the usual prism of duty, but with an open look, as if it were not yours, your own. This unexpectedly may force you to recognize it as viable enough. Or you will feel that he does not need your anxiety, but a fair view of himself, an adequate assessment from the outside.
Ask yourself another question: can I stand if he brings a three (four) from the exam? And if I can’t, then why? What will happen in a child’s life if a triple appears? Whose problem is it, mine or his? If you believe that children have the right to exist only on your terms, then it is worth considering who they are to you. The possessive attitude is characteristic of narcissistic parents who do not feel their value and therefore surround themselves with things designed to embody their significance. For some, this is a car, position, capital, and for someone – a child … with certain parameters. The child feels this and also learns not to accept himself unconditionally. He no longer believes that it is good when he simply exists in the world.
When sending your son or daughter to an exam, instead of “I hope you get an A,” tell him with the words: “I believe that you will do everything to the maximum. And remember: with any assessment, you will still be the best boy (girl) in the world for me. Is it true?
* AUTHOR OF THE BOOKS “LIFE SKILLS”, “HOW TO FIND AGREE WITH YOURSELF AND THE WORLD” (GENESIS, 2004).