Why do many victims of narcissists and domestic tyrants fail to leave their partners? “Often, they themselves look for reasons to stay, convincing themselves that everything is not so bad or will get better in the future,” explains psychotherapist Shari Stynes.
Sometimes it’s too hard to face the truth. Recognize that the one we love is just mocking us. It is much easier to deceive yourself, pretend that everything is fine and will soon be fine, and believe in it. Here are 10 varieties of such self-deception.
1. Departure in fantasy
Some victims of abuse seem to live in an alternate reality, convincing themselves that their partner loves them, they just have problems or «he (she) is not serious.» This is an attempt to justify the partner’s inappropriate behavior.
2. «Tomorrow will be better»
It is generally accepted that such tactics are used mainly by manipulators. In fact, their victims themselves often deceive themselves, imagining that everything will be fine after a certain period. At the same time, they forget about the reality of the present and live in a completely fictional future.
3. «If I leave, the children will suffer»
Many victims of domestic violence have convinced themselves that children absolutely need both parents in the family — even if they have unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. They don’t understand that a toxic parent-to-child relationship can be just as harmful to children as divorce.
4. «He (a) loves me, he (she) just has problems»
Victims try to convince themselves of this, because it is difficult for them to admit that a partner may not really love them. They can also be convinced of this by others. “Yes, he swears at me and throws things, but I know that deep down he loves me.” «Yes, she flirts with other men, but she always comes home to me.»
Love is shown in actions. If someone loves you, at least they try not to hurt you. Yes, in any relationship, partners sometimes unwittingly hurt each other’s feelings. Dysfunctional relationships also follow certain patterns. Victims often convince themselves that their partner loves them, despite the fact that he does not care about their feelings at all.
5. «I can handle it»
By saying these words to themselves, the victims minimize the pain. They convince themselves that an unacceptable position in the family is actually quite acceptable. But even if a person is able to cope with this situation, is it worth putting yourself under such a test?
6. «He/she just can’t help it»
Victims deceive themselves while at the same time justifying the misbehavior of a loved one. They convince themselves that the partner is not really responsible for their actions. Narcissists and tyrants themselves willingly support this delusion. Sometimes they attribute their misbehavior to alcohol, mental problems, or stress. All this cannot be an excuse for violence and bullying, but the victims often do not understand this. They are looking for any reason to keep the relationship, because it seems to them that if they leave, it will be even worse.
7. «He/she can change»
Victims of domestic violence often ask their therapists if their partner can change if they also enter therapy. Experts confidently answer this question «no». The tyrant and tormentor will not change. Only those who want to change can change.
8. «I can change everything»
In this case, the victims either believe that they themselves are to blame for the bullying, or they believe that if they change, their partner will also become a different person.
Sometimes the victim understands that the fault lies entirely with the partner, but believes that there is some kind of magic formula that will change everything. Often it seems to them that they just need to love him / her more. Because of this, the victims are hesitant to leave, hoping that in the future they will be able to fix everything.
Perhaps the main problem here is that the behavior of the tyrant partner remains without consequences, which further strengthens his sense of impunity.
9. «It’s a justified sacrifice»
Many partners of domestic tyrants consciously sacrifice themselves for the sake of a loved one and family. As a result, no one gets better, and the victim loses himself. Anyone who wants to help must first convince her that it is unacceptable to tolerate violence and bullying.
10. «Amnesia»
Many develop a kind of selective amnesia — they «forget» about cases of violence and bullying, remembering only joyful moments in a relationship. They have a false idea of an ideal relationship, while they alienate and suppress their own mental pain.
In fact, domestic tyrants bully partners quite consciously. They are not powerless victims, unable to control themselves. Their actions bring them pleasure or benefit. Inflicting pain on others, they feel strength and power, revenge for insults, or simply receive sadistic satisfaction.
“If your partner is a narcissist or abusive and you want to change the situation, the first thing you need to do is rethink your beliefs about relationships. Try to objectively look at your own reactions and patterns of behavior. Decide that you will no longer engage in self-deception and will not try at all costs to maintain a relationship with a person who is cruel to you. Appreciate yourself and remember that you deserve a better life!” Shari Stines advises.