It often seems to women that men are easier about divorce. In fact, it is just as hard for them to believe in a new relationship. Why do some get married again, while others remain single? Explains the author of the book «The Divorced Girl Smiles» Jackie Pylossof.
I often receive letters from men asking for advice. Many are divorced. If the ex-wife cheated or left on her own initiative, he is skeptical about new novels. Men are afraid of attachment and relationship development. They are not sure they can trust them again.
An example is a letter I recently received. The man is divorced, his wife cheated on him.
“I met a girl. She lives 300 km away from me. We met five times on weekends. I quickly realized that she was falling in love with me, said that I liked her. But also that I will never marry and I will not say that I love her.
This man was hurt, he doubts that he can trust a woman enough to confess his love to her
She made it clear that she was looking for a man with whom she would meet old age. I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I felt like I was cheating on her. It seems to me that she thinks — since I am not dating other women, then we are a couple. She believes that one day I will put aside my dark thoughts.
In five days I’m leaving for Mexico and then for South America. Every year I spend about four months traveling. If I met the woman of my dreams, I would take her with me. Most divorced men who are still full of energy get used to the bachelor lifestyle. Our eyes are not closed and our hearts are not sealed, but we are not ready to give up our habitual lifestyle in favor of relationships. So what should I do with this girl? Break up?»
My first reaction is yes, please end the relationship. I feel sorry for this woman. She and the writer of the letter want different things. She wants to get married, he doesn’t know what he wants. Obviously, he doesn’t want to be with her. Her shortcomings have nothing to do with it. She’s not right for him.
But he must be honest, he must state everything directly. Then she can get upset, cry, grieve that everything is over, and then move on and meet a man who wants to grow old with her.
But let’s talk about saying «I will never tell a woman that I love her.» This man has been hurt, he feels betrayed, he doubts that he can trust a woman enough to confess his love to her or marry her.
I’m not judging him — I understand how he feels. A lot of people said things like that after divorce. But as time went on, they met the right person and changed their minds.
Don’t throw around statements like «I’ll never get married again» or «I won’t tell a woman I love her.» Life loves to prove otherwise
The man writes that finding true love is an impossible mission. It is true, because he is deeply wounded. He will be helped by psychotherapy, or work in a support group, or any other technique that will close the situation. He needs to accept his past and realize that not all women cheat.
In my experience, I divide men into two types. Some people like to live on their own, they are the ones who do not want to “sacrifice their usual way of life” for the sake of relationships. The second likes to be in a monogamous relationship. They want to create a new marriage.
I noticed a pattern. The longer a man is single after a divorce, the less likely he is to remarry. Either men quickly find a new wife, or remain alone for many years. Of course, there are exceptions.
The future of a man depends on many factors: how long he was married, whether he has children, why he got divorced, how he is with finances, whether he likes being alone with whom he meets. Don’t throw around statements like «I’ll never get married again» or «I won’t tell a woman I love her.» Life loves to prove otherwise.
If they told me that 10 years after the divorce I would still be single, I would not have believed it. I really wanted to get married again. But now I am happy to live the life that I have.
Be happy and accept the gifts of fate. Of course, there will be work to be done — to heal the wounds, accept the situation and stop obsessing over divorce. And then do what makes you happy, spend time together. The rest will take care of itself.