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In relationships, women often choose to play the role of a savior, even when the object of their help does not have any problems. “He will change”, “he has such a potential, but he is ruining himself” … Why are these thoughts dangerous, why do they arise and how to stop succumbing to them?
The role of the savior is usually chosen by kind, caring and empathic women. They often do something meaningful in everyday life, almost like Mother Teresa or Gandhi. Unfortunately, the habit of saving the world is transferred to personal relationships and they begin to change their partner “for the better”. If you recognize yourself in the description, ask yourself four questions.
1. Are you equal?
An imbalance in a relationship does not bode well, it is very likely that you will be unhappy and your partner too. And you are unlikely to be able to realize the abilities of the «improver» — most people really do not like it when they are trying to remake them. They want to be loved for who they are. You will think that you are helping, and it will seem to your partner that they are perceived as a broken mechanism that needs to be fixed. Most likely, he will be offended and will be right.
2. Do you love the person or their potential?
For the good of everyone and yourself, first of all choose a man who is already good enough. Who will be a gift of fate right now, and not someday, when he becomes a little better, smarter, richer, leaner, etc. If you imagine what a wonderful partner he will someday be under your strict guidance, of course, stop and leave . It won’t change and will never be good enough.
3. Do you consider yourself a heroine?
If you think how grateful your partner will be to you for fixing his life and «fixing» him, this speaks of your hidden need to feel needed.
Oddly enough, the need to help and, in general, to “give” is often extremely selfish. If you judge yourself by what you have to offer to others, this is a serious problem. And you won’t solve it by «fixing» other people. You don’t have to save anyone to be loved. You are so beautiful.
4. Do you feel sorry for him?
Relationships should not be an act of charity. You deserve the best and so does your «broken» partner. If you want to help, help, but don’t get romantically involved with this person. And if you really can’t wait to take care of something, take care of the relationship without letting your own habit of saving the whole world into them. You deserve a relationship in which no one wants to fix anyone.
About the Expert: Zoe Shaw is a psychotherapist.