I will have a child: what to prepare for?

Loss of independence

Just now you were a completely independent person, living as you wanted and doing whatever you wanted. And suddenly you became a parent and completely disconnected from the rhythms of normal adult life. It is no coincidence that psychologists consider the first years of parenthood to be the most unhappy in a person’s life. These are the years spent in the bunker, rather short in relation to a lifetime, but often seemingly endless. The autonomy that parents once took for granted simply disappears.

One dad who decided to raise his children at home told his group of fellow “housewife” fathers about meeting a former colleague who was flying on a business trip to Cuba: “I see completely free people. They do what I myself would like to do, but I have a family. Did I want to have a family? Yes, I did. Do I enjoy being with children? Yes, it delivers. But sometimes it’s hard to deal only with family every day. Rarely do you get the opportunity to do what you want, and when you want it.

Read more:

• “Why did you decide to have a baby?”

Regret for broken dreams

Until recently, what parents wanted was not taken into account at all. But today we live in an era when the map of our desires has noticeably expanded. And we are told that to satisfy them is our right (to be honest, even a duty). At the end of the last century, historian John Roberts wrote: “In the twentieth century, it became clearer than ever before that happiness is quite achievable in this life.” Of course, this is wonderful, but it is not always possible to achieve this goal. When our expectations are not met, we begin to blame ourselves. “Our life becomes an elegy of unsatisfied needs and sacrificed desires, denied opportunities and untraveled roads,” writes British psychoanalyst Adam Phillips. “The myth of potential turns mourning and complaining into our most real actions.” Even if our dreams are impossible, if they were false from the very beginning, we still regret that they did not come true.

Adults today have even more reason to suffer for unlived lives: they have more time to explore their potential before having children. According to the US National Bureau of Statistics, in 2010 the average age at which a woman with a college education decides to have her first child was 30,3 years. The report states that college-educated women “generally have their first child more than two years after marriage.” The consequence of this is a sharper contrast between life before the birth of a child and after this event.

Read more:

• 21 principles of good parenting through the eyes of a child

Lack of sleep

Of all the sufferings of the young, lack of sleep is the most unpleasant thing. But most future parents, no matter how much they are warned, have no idea about it until their first child is born. They think they know what lack of sleep is. But there is a big difference between constant sleep deprivation and occasional insomnia. One of the leading experts in partial sleep deprivation, David Dinges (David Dinges) says that on the perception of long-term sleep deprivation, people fall into three categories: those who cope with it normally; those who feel unwell, and those for whom it is a complete disaster. The problem is that parents-to-be have no idea which category they fall into until they have children.

Whichever type you are – and David Dinges believes that this is an innate trait that is equally characteristic of men and women – the emotional consequences of lack of sleep are very serious and deserve deep analysis, which was carried out by Daniel Kahneman and his colleagues. Scientists studied 909 Texas women and found that they rate time spent with their children lower than time spent doing laundry. Women who slept 6 hours or less were more likely to report a lack of happiness than those who managed to sleep more than 7 hours. The difference in feelings of well-being was so striking that it even surpassed the difference in feelings between those who earned less than $30 annually and those whose annual income exceeded $000. (Journalists expressed this difference more figuratively. “An hour of sleep costs $90,” they wrote. This is not entirely true, but close to the truth.)

The quality of work suffers

The computerized home keeps us convinced that we can keep our old work habits and raise our children at the same time. Humans take pride in their ability to switch from one task to another and then back again, but this behavior is not typical of our species, as many studies prove. Mary Shervinsky (a Microsoft specialist) believes that when we switch from one task to another, we cannot process information well enough. Information is not stored in long-term memory and does not push us to make the most reasonable and accurate choices and associations.

In addition, switching from task to task causes us to waste time, because it takes some effort to dive deep into work. And it’s in the office! The quality of work suffers even more when we try to work from home. Distractions in the office—such as an email from a colleague—do not usually cause emotional tension. When children distract you, emotional tension rises sharply, and it is very difficult to cope with strong emotions.

Pass the tests

• How do you feel about your pregnancy?

Loss of erotic ego

Most couples yearn not for sex per se, but for the sense of closeness and vitality that sex brings. “I don’t think I have any particular expectations of intimacy,” one dad told me. “Maybe it’s easier for men because we can look at a woman and say, ‘She doesn’t look tired and exhausted. She looks the same.” And his wife thinks differently: “I’m tired! Can’t you let me sleep and not be tormented by guilt that I deprive you of something ?! It took the man a moment to realize this. “Honestly, it’s not the lack of sex that worries me,” he said. We no longer feel close to each other. That is, intimacy has a price, and ignoring it has a price.

“In erotic life we ​​forget about our children, and in family life we ​​forget about our desire,” writes Adam Phillips. Faced with this uncomfortable dilemma, “most people suffer much more because they feel they are betraying their own children. The betrayal of a partner does not matter so much.” And here’s what another seminar participant said: “It’s funny: my husband often asks for quick sex. And it seems to me that I have no right to give myself to another person. And unfortunately, it is the husband who has to make the sacrifice. I can say “no” to him. But I probably still need to give in because it’s good for us.” When a woman has to choose between her husband and children, she chooses children.

Inseparability of joy and fear

In 2010, psychology professor Brene Brown gave a lecture at the University of Houston. Here’s how this lecture began: “Christmas Eve … Wonderful evening, light snow is falling … Husband, wife and two children are driving in a car for a gala dinner at their grandmother’s. They are listening to the radio. Traditional Christmas music plays. The kids in the back seat start to freak out. Everyone sings along to the song. The camera shows us the faces of children, mothers, fathers. What happens in the next moment? Almost all the listeners responded in unison: “Car accident!” This answer is given by 60% of listeners. (Another 10-15% gave an equally fatalistic but slightly more imaginative answer.) Brené Brown believes that this reflex is a demonstration of how well we have internalized Hollywood standards. But at the same time, she sees something more here. Many parents, describing real life situations, told her the same thing. She gives a typical example: “I look at children. They sleep and I’m happy. But at that very moment, I start imagining something terrible.”

Brown calls this state of “feeling bad.” It is familiar to almost all parents. All parents are hostages of fate. Such vulnerability can be excruciating. These feelings are the price that moms and dads pay for delight and for a boundless connection with another person. In parenthood, loss is inevitable; it is inherent in the very paradox of raising children. We surround children with love so that one day they will be strong enough to leave us. Even when children are small and defenseless, we anticipate parting with them. We look at them with nostalgia, longing for those they can no longer be.