I did this consultation with Oksana, she is 40 years old, she works as a hairdresser, she is a good professional. An energetic woman rides a scooter to work. Self-esteem is low. Married for the second time, there is an adult daughter who is finishing school. The first husband, with whom she lived for almost 20 years, abused alcohol, the relationship was far from rosy. The second husband, Ivan, is 42, he lived with his mother all his life, he was not officially married, he works at an office equipment repair company. According to Oksana’s description, he is phlegmatic by nature, does not help her at home, sits at the computer on weekends. Oksana’s mom changed her city apartment to a house outside the city with a large plot of land. She obviously counted on constant help, Ivan refuses to help.
During a visit to the salon, I combine the Service with the Business, I advise, I practice.
The conversation described took place during the next visit to the salon and was recorded from memory.
— I will get divorced.
— Again?
— Yes.
— What’s wrong?
He doesn’t want to help my mom.
— And should?
“Of course I must, but I do everything for him.
“But you do it for him, not for his mom.” Everyone in this life chooses his debts himself … So, do you still want to get a divorce or something else?
— To help my mother.
“I can’t force your husband, I don’t know him. What do you personally want for yourself? Get a divorce? Reconcile? Learn to negotiate? Or just talk?
— I’ll get divorced!
— Are there any other options, men in mind?
— What are the options? I will live on my own!
— My daughter will leave to study, and you will live in a rented apartment yourself?
“And my mother said that he didn’t suit me.
— Mom lived all her life herself, anyone will not suit her. And you have your own head. You live in his apartment. Has it become much easier compared to a rented apartment?
— A lot.
Does he work, does he bring home a salary?
— Of course.
Does he treat your daughter well? Did you say that they have a better relationship than with their own father?
— It is better.
«Well, what do you want anyway?»
— … Agree … To help.
— And rightly so. With another man, at first it will be good, there will be feelings, and then problems will begin to arise that will also need to be addressed. Do you have anyone to compare with?
— There is.
— So put up a photo of the former as soon as you are going to get a divorce.
— So it keeps.
— That’s good. So the husband said that he would not help?
— Not. When I announced that I needed to take things to my mother on Sunday, I had already agreed on a car, he asked: “What exactly do you need to move to for the holiday? And now it will always be like this?
“So you didn’t refuse?”
He said it in such a voice!
— And what did you want him to say if you yourself, without consulting with him, disposed of his day off, and even on a holiday?
So the other day there was no car.
— Maybe it was necessary to entrust this to her husband, so that he would solve the issue with the car, and on that day, on which it is convenient for everyone?
— Yes, well, he will be thrashed.
— Have you tried to connect it to household chores?
— It’s easier to do everything yourself. He won’t even buy bread for home.
— Did you ask?
— He’s over forty. What, he can’t figure it out?
«He’s not a telepath, is he?» Can’t read minds from a distance? Moreover, he lived with his mother for almost forty years. I’m used to her serving him. To take care of you, you need to accustom to new behavior, prompt. If a child is not taught to read, he himself will not learn quickly, or maybe he will not learn at all. It is necessary to write notes with a list of what to buy or send SMS. Give instructions. Control that it does. Slowly, don’t rush. Water wears away the stone.
I can’t take it easy. It’s easier for me to do it myself.
“Then you have to choose. Or be patient and take up the upbringing of her husband. Or do everything yourself and then do not complain about it. The task of a woman is to inspire a man to a feat, so that the same nail is nailed. And not to beat herself while he lies on the couch. Give instructions and make sure he follows them. This is the real women’s work, and you take on the men’s all the time.
— …
— Shall we be patient?
— And how to recruit it?
— If you follow the recommendations, I will tell you.
— I’m tired of pulling everything myself.
— Of course, tired. Well, so, will we teach our husband?
— Yes.
— «Yes, dear. How do you say, beloved, did your husband like it? (She gave the exercise “Total YES”).
— Certainly! Who wouldn’t like it? Blossomed! Just too much for him.
— Do you love your husband?
— I do not know.
— And who went to work for six months in a row by the hand?
— Walked and crossed.
— Shall we improve relations?
— … We will.
— Then you listen carefully, memorize and be sure to fulfill. Deal?
— Good.
— Will you do it?
— I will!
— So, the first thing: “Yes, dear,” you continue. Especially if he liked it. Necessarily!
— Good. Second: Now, first of all, you begin to teach your husband to take care of his beloved wife. That is about YOU. How do you think we will do it?
— I’ll tell you to buy groceries and help my mother.
“I don’t think if you say that, it won’t do anything.
— But as?
— Let’s try. He comes home from work and what do you say to him?
— Hi, darling. Did you buy bread? And I cooked dinner for you.
Let’s do it a little differently:
First, be sure to smile, your beloved husband came home.
Secondly, hug and turn your cheek. Dinner is just for a kiss (jokingly, but with a hint). When the husband has melted, you can ask about shopping. If you forgot, nothing, have dinner without bread, fewer calories. And if he loves with bread, then the next day he will definitely not forget to buy it (if you don’t buy it yourself again).
— I can not do that.
— Come on, let’s practice. (The whole staff of the salon trained together. The spectacle was not for the faint of heart. It turns out that women do not know how to sincerely speak affectionate words).
— Now the main thing. About helping mom. If you or your mom need help, you should ASK him for it! And ask correctly.
First, smile again, hug and kiss, say that he is the best husband in the world.
And only then, secondly, ask for help.
Then tell what you take on, this is third.
At the very end, fourthly, in return, be sure to promise what he loves (fried potatoes for dinner, new spare parts for the computer, and up to the fulfillment of various lyrical fantasies). And hug and kiss again.
Four main points: pat, ask, take over, promise. Remember? Can you ask at home?
— I will try.
— That is great. And tell me next time. And along the way, share with colleagues, maybe they will come in handy.
Now homework:
1. «Yes, dear.» (Total YES) continue and remember to smile, which is natural in such a situation.
2. You teach your husband to take care of YOU (Accustoming to the format).
In the morning, hugs and kisses are a must. I washed my face, brushed my teeth and kissed ahead. Every morning is like a ritual.
In the evening, when you come home from work, you always turn your cheek. It’s also a ritual.
In the morning, a list of what you need to buy or do in the evening is a must.
So every day you have at least 2 kisses and 1 note. Remember? Only 3 things per day.
3. If you need to ask for something, follow 4 points (Prepared request):
1) first hug, kiss, say good words;
2) kindly ask;
3) say what you take on;
3) promise something good in return, you can thank in advance.
— And next time, share your successes. And tell the girls, they will control you, and maybe something will come in handy for them. I know for sure you will succeed! Goodbye! Thank you for your work!
Consultation Analysis
1. I conducted the consultation in the “Parent-Child” position, the “Silovik” style, I spoke mainly, I pulled the client along with me. In this situation, it is clear that Oksana is not very determined to work, she played the game «Yes, but …». But the psychologist also has a strong desire to help (to catch up and do good).
Only when I wrote down the conversation on paper, I saw it visually and realized the numbers of the spouses’ age. I realized that people are no longer children, but treated them that way (“Parent-Child”).
Tasks: learn to build relationships «Adult — Adult», avoid the game «Yes, but …».
2. Contact. The client and I have known each other for a long time. She always consults with me and listens to recommendations. I calibrated, adjusted to the pace of speech, the timbre of the voice.
3. Request. The client could not formulate the request on her own. The specific request came together after my clarifying questions.
4. Plan. I thought over the plan for the client during the survey. I decided to give two exercises: setting the format and a prepared request.
5. Get ready for work. The mood for work was carried out by drawing two opposite pictures of the future.
6. Sale solution. I sold the solution with the help of an explanation that a man can and should be connected to household chores. And this is quite possible to learn.
7. Implementation
Exercises:
1) «Total YES» reinforcement. I concluded that the previous time, together with “Total YES”, it was necessary to immediately establish the format so that there was no phrase, but why is everything only for him?
2) Setting the format in relations. Trained by the whole team.
3) Prepared request. Gave information about the four main points of the exercise. (Cons: I didn’t have time to work out, I didn’t give examples).
8. ORR (Intended Outcome Volume)
1) Total YES. Formulated as repetition. It was necessary to give a certain amount of exercise (at least one phrase per day).
2) Setting the format. Gave a clear idea of ORM in numbers with the definition of performance by time of day.
3) Prepared request. Defined four clear points of components. In this OHR, it was necessary to give a mandatory number of performances of this exercise, to begin with at least one prepared request per day.
9. Homework
Homework repeats the ORR with the same amendments.
Oksana did not give specific homework before. She answered her questions and gave recommendations, offered to try. She always listened, honestly tried to do everything.
In this consultation, for the first time, she gave a specific homework. Broke everything down. Got a tutorial.
Pros. I found the right solution: I appointed work colleagues as controllers. I am sure that the girls will demand a report on the completion of tasks.
10. Completion
Minuses. More questions about understanding homework were needed.
Pros. I finished positively, assured the client of a good result and that everything would work out for her.
I will work on the minuses, and the main plus is that the client changed her mind about getting a divorce!