There is a condition that many people try to deny in themselves. This is a state of need. Needing something is “bad” because it is associated with poverty and lack of something. There is a more beautiful synonymous word – “need”, but with a clarification: a need is a need that has taken a specific form in accordance with the individual characteristics of a person. But the essence is the same. It is a lack of something, a feeling of one’s own incompleteness.
And this is very hard to admit. Come to terms with our incompleteness, with the fact that in order to live in this world, we need to take a lot from it. That a person who exists in complete isolation will not last long. That we are all the same to some extent dependent, and the question is not whether we have addictions, but how many of them we have, how much they entangle us and allow / do not allow us to breathe and move. We depend on air, on food, on sleep. We depend on other people, no matter how much counter-dependency people play at self-sufficiency. Will not work.
Pass the tests
- How strong is your need for love?
The illusion of self-sufficiency and independence cracks under the pressure of a reality in which there are no supermen, but there are vulnerable people reaching out to each other in search of warmth and support. But reaching out to someone? This is vulnerability, and the harsh laws of the world, where man is a wolf to man, say: do not believe, do not be afraid, do not ask! Open up – hit. If you admit that you need something, you will humiliate yourself and be devoured. Therefore, it is better not to admit at all that we need something.
Someone denies their need for security, ignoring their fear – and, as a result, goes on about fear, when “suddenly” falls into a stupor, although “nothing foreshadowed trouble.” And for some, a shameful need is a thirst for recognition, and then it sounds arrogant: “Yes, I will not participate in these rat races, this is the lot of those who want to assert themselves, and I don’t need this anymore” … And then the extortion of recognition in in the form of smart remarks, endless criticism and many other small and large manipulations. After all, if you do not recognize your need, you do not feel your need, it will not be less from this. You will simply satisfy your thirst furtively, stealthily looking around and little by little, and not with pleasure, full mugs and openly …
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- The right to sex or the right to security?
You can also see young people who, in need of intimacy with women, show that they do not care about these women. Show your interest, show that you are interested in a girl? What are you, horror, horror, you are a humiliated petitioner (and not a man showing natural interest). “Fuck it, I’ll pretend I’m not interested in women.” “To hell with vulnerability, you can’t do it like that – let them do everything themselves, and then it’s good. After all, whoever recognized the need first is a weakling, and you seem to be not in business, just doing a favor. Being alive is so difficult that consciousness comes up with a way to avoid admitting that you need something. “Let him call first!” “Let her invite me!” Let someone else take the first step and thus sign that he needs you more than you need him. To refuse to recognize one’s own need for something means to die while alive, because only the dead do not need anything … Wanting a woman / man is normal and natural. Feeling the need for recognition is normal and natural. It is normal and natural to want a safe environment for yourself, which will not hound you and will not assert itself on you.
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- Internet: the supermarket of our desires
It would seem: I write rather ordinary, banal things. But I constantly come across the fact that many people were once forbidden to want something that any healthy person wants. “You want a lot – you get a little”; “It’s too early / ashamed at your age to think about it”, “I want it – I want it more” … And someone else read that “narcissism is bad”, and on this basis it crushes in the bud any of its needs and manifestations, which at least somehow they might look like this creepy thing. You can be a schizoid, even fashionable, but with narcissistic features – no, no, deny that you need recognition, only these vile daffodils want this … Is it fashionable to be sexy (whatever that means)? Then in no case do not admit that you do not want sex – something is wrong with you. Play a sex maniac, you must have such a need, hypertrophied to an obsession. Everybody wants…
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- “I haven’t had sex in ten years”
Someone (something) from outside (parents, friends, authorities, traditions…) dictates what you can want and what you can’t. Fortunately—or alas—needs cannot be forbidden. None. You can only be aware of them and choose whether to satisfy or not. And who said that ALL of our needs must or can be met? The world is such that we still remain not self-sufficient in some way, and few needs can be satisfied once and for all, and some desires are better left forever locked up somewhere – but first recognize them. What is not recognized, not illuminated by consciousness, quietly does its job, and there is little we can do – after all, nothing is visible …
Yes, I need a warm word when my heart is cold. When I fail at something, I really want someone to come up with words of support, I want someone to be there. And I myself want to support someone who is ready to gratefully accept my help. Yes, I need gratitude for what I do.
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- What is more important: emotional warmth or high income?
In the joy of my daughters when I return home in the evening, and in their questions “Dad, will you go with us, right?” … In a warm conversation with my wife about anything … In the calls of friends who call just to find out how am I. I just want to be remembered … I need a rest, and I understand how often I ignored the body’s signals that it was already tired and I needed to pause …
But only, please, do not confuse “I need” with “I will not live.” I will live, because it is still not about oxygen, food or water … The soul can simply fall into suspended animation. She is so capricious, she always wants something. And the boundary between a need/healthy need and a need/black hole lies in the fact that a healthy need, if you pay attention to it, is satisfied for a while and ceases to be felt for a while, and a black hole is a black hole for that, that everything falls into it and hungry all the time. And then you act like you’re hungry. But that’s a slightly different story.