“I was afraid of divorce more than anything in the world”

When I was married, divorce seemed to me the worst thing that could happen. Waking up at night, I was relieved to understand that my husband was still with me. These fears were irrational: everything was fine between us. My husband loved me, I could rely on him, and it seemed that it would always be so.

The feeling that we are together was my support and protection, but after 14 years of marriage, my husband left the family. He explained this by saying that he wants to go his own way and he needs freedom. When my husband announced his decision, it seemed that I was deprived of oxygen. If not for two small children, I would hardly be able to force myself to get up, get dressed and continue to exist.

Now I understand that the fear of rejection arose long before I got married. I am sure that it was he who imposed an unbearable responsibility on my partner, literally strangled me and, as a result, forced me to leave.

After the first shock passed and I began to take steps in a new life for me, I suddenly felt free. I had nothing to lose, and therefore nothing to fear. Realizing this, I was relieved. Before the divorce, I was dominated by fears and worries about the future. I was afraid to be alone, I was afraid of the mental pain that comes with it, and of life itself.

My biggest fear – losing a loved one – gave me an important gift. I realized that I was wasting my life in a senseless attempt to maintain imaginary stability. Before, it seemed to me that the collapse of the family was my personal defeat, because everything genuine and real never dies. However, there are simply no constants in life: neither bad nor good last forever.

I began to take it more calmly. As difficult as it was, I accepted that people and circumstances change over time. This, in turn, taught me to appreciate the wonderful moments, realizing that they are not endless. I always put the desires and needs of other people above my own and did this from a lack of self-confidence. As soon as the feeling of unconditional support from the environment slipped away, I lost myself as a person. I realized myself only through roles familiar to me: a devoted wife, a loving mother, a grateful daughter.

From now on, I am not afraid to express my desires. If they are not agreed with, I will not begin to love myself less. I have learned to be my own friend.

“Divorce can be a stimulus for personal growth”

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

The heroine describes her life in marriage as an unsettling attachment based on an excessive need for intimacy, fear of loss, and control. This happens, as a rule, because in childhood a person received less care and security from his parents and therefore did not go through a healthy process of separation, did not gain enough confidence for an independent life.

The heroine admits that her addiction could be the reason for the breakup. For some time, the partner may agree to be a “mother”, comfort and encourage, submitting to suffocating control. However, this makes him a slave to someone else’s immaturity. The heroine noticed irrational fears behind her, but relied on her husband. However, the support that is outside of us is bad. Divorce helped her understand this, and she demonstrates undoubted inner strength when, for the first time in her life, she transfers the fulcrum and responsibility to herself.

The transformation that happened to her as a result of a divorce is amazing and at the same time natural. This is what is called post-traumatic growth. Not always a strong shock drives us into depression. In some cases, it is followed by a wave of positive changes: the personality does not just adapt to life anew, but develops and grows. This becomes possible thanks to the ability to take a critical look at one’s past, to process and comprehend one’s characteristics and ways of behavior.

However, this is a very tough version of growing up. If the heroine had turned to professional help in time to help her connect her irrational fears with internal infantilism and the search for a parent outside, she would probably stop making a partner her donor. Perhaps in this case, the relationship could be saved or the breakup would not be so traumatic.

But life is not perfect and often tests us for strength. Getting out through divorce can be a difficult but positive step and a stimulus for personal growth, because development is impossible without discomfort.