Contents
When Elizabeth was seventeen, she fell in love and threw herself into a relationship. But they were independent. Although more than ten years have passed since then, our heroine still cannot forget about what happened, and this negatively affects her marriage. The psychologist comments on the story of Elizabeth and tells how such a traumatic experience should be lived.
“The pain of what I experienced still lives in me”
Elizabeth, 35 years old
I was a very young 17-year-old girl when love came to me. Love is such that the heart is bursting with happiness.
I was overwhelmed with emotions: joy, sparks at every touch, a feeling that we would never part and could move mountains. Such feelings in my life probably never happened again. I loved very much, I wanted to be near my chosen one every minute.
We met with Vlad for almost a year. At first everything was fine, and then the “swing” began: he either left or returned. And I waited for him and every time I accepted. I saw that the young man communicates with other girls, knew about his betrayals and still forgave him everything.
After all, I was sure that his new passions would not last long and he would still return to me
At the same time, Vlad reproached me for the fact that I had a man before him. The accusations sounded more and more often, but I endured everything. I just lost myself. She did not feel reality, she lived in her fantasies. It was as if they trampled me: I no longer felt the value of my life, I could only imagine myself together with Vlad. And he suddenly and decisively ended the relationship.
More than ten years have passed. And only recently I realized that the pain from the experience still lives in me. She didn’t go anywhere, I didn’t feel better. After parting with Vlad, I had relationships with other men, but every time I seemed to want to take revenge. Show how beautiful, smart, worthy I am.
I always live with the feeling that I don’t need the men I date
At any moment I can break this connection: leave, leave, quit. Like they once left me. Sometimes I felt that I could love again. And if a spark ran between me and a new acquaintance, then I immediately broke off the relationship. It hurt a lot and now I understand it. Then I felt like I was deceiving myself.
Now I’m married, we have a child. But lately, especially after the birth of my son, my husband and I have become very distant. They became more friends than lovers. I thought about it and realized that, perhaps, it was in that unmourned, unspoken pain, in the pain where I lost myself, that the problem lies.
“You seem to look at your present through the prism of the past”
Yulia Romanova, psychologist
Unfortunately, this is a common story. Early love, bright, absorbing, saturated with passion. And along with it, disappointment, pain, betrayal, betrayal, loss of faith in yourself and that healthy relationships are possible. Such a strong first experience, like a stencil, is imprinted in our unconscious and affects any new relationship.
I do not know what kind of parental family Elizabeth was, but I believe that there was little love there. And the girl, like a moth, flew out to meet the first man who came across. The one who was ready to notice and accept it.
Thinking in such situations is devoid of criticism. There is no understanding of what a good relationship should be. There is only a desire to escape from where it was cold and empty.
Now, after a while, the author of the letter can look back and notice that at the beginning of that relationship there were already harbingers of codependent, unhealthy love. A relationship where one allows himself to be loved, and the other agrees to suffer, endure, forgive, wait. Such relationships are always associated with imbalance. And cause suffering to one of the partners.
What can be done in such a situation?
Understand that such stories were, are and will be. And the only thing that matters is how you can change your relationship with men in the present.
It’s good when you realize that your pain inside is still “phoning” and affects the quality of life. If from time to time you have a desire to be the first to end the relationship, not to trust and not to build a close deep connection, then this indicates a fear that everything can happen again. And you decide to end the relationship, that is, the first to strike, so as not to suffer yourself.
The EMDR method works well with this form of injury. It is safe and recommended by the World Health Organization. It is important for the injured partner to work through emotional reactions, memories of past relationships, thoughts that remain, sensations in the body, and unshed tears.
This must be done, because any similar situation or even cooling off in a relationship with a partner triggers a chain of memories and an emotional reaction. And you seem to look at your present through the prism of past experience.
If there is no way to contact an EMDR therapist right now, try writing a few letters yourself:
1. Letter to that man
Take a pen, a sheet of paper and write a letter to the man who once offended you. Be honest in your statements, do not pick up expressions. Allow all emotions and feelings to manifest on paper, to be discovered and voiced.
When the letter is written, you will feel relieved, as if you have thrown off the burden of the past. You don’t have to send a letter. You can burn it or throw it in the mailbox without specifying the addressee.
2. Letter to yourself from the past
Write to yourself, who you could not protect, who did not have the strength to make a decision and leave a destructive relationship. The one who was sincere in her feelings and just wanted to be happy. May this letter be filled with love. Be generous with words of support, understanding.
You will soon notice that your current relationship has become more organic. That you can love again, accept yourself for who you are. And your relationship will have a happy future.
True, there are times when the traumas from the past are too deep. Then, if self-help does not give the expected effect and you feel that you have something to work on, it is better to contact a specialist.
About expert
Julia Romanova — psychologist, EMDR-therapist, systemic therapist (constellation), coach, expert of federal channels, author of therapeutic online courses. Her и .