I want to stop judging

To stop judging and criticizing, to look distantly and kindly at others, at situations and at oneself… The task of the editors seemed quite achievable to me, and I arranged a meeting with cognitive psychologist Tatyana Yudeeva.

I also have my own opinion about everything and everyone. But I worry long and deeply about how others perceive and evaluate me. I tend to judge people by quickly labeling them.

I noticed more than once: when the interlocutor cannot support a conversation on a topic that interests me, does not know some names, has not read some books, I instantly have the thought: “He is stupid. Don’t do business with him anymore.”

“Is it possible to understand this in such a way that sometimes you make assessments too quickly and this prematureness prevents you from understanding a person and continuing to communicate?” asks Tatyana Yudeeva.

This is so: I instantly react to gaps in the knowledge of others, but if the interlocutor does not know something that I do not know, this seems quite natural to me.

“It is worth taking into account that the reference points can be different,” the psychologist recalls. Yes, this is true: I remembered how my classmate Lyuda asked me who Akhmatova was at school. I explained, but then for a long time I considered her a fool.

Once we were instructed to make a wall newspaper together, and it turned out that Luda draws beautifully, loves dogs and is generally very nice. That evening, when we laughed at our own poems and caricatures, I seemed to see her – I used to appreciate it, but at that moment I saw it.

Boost self-esteem

Why do we need to evaluate the people around us, and evaluate them mostly negatively? American psychologist, founder of individual psychology Alfred Adler believed that in this way we put ourselves on a pedestal, increase our self-esteem.

Devaluing others is like a preemptive strike. We usually do this when we are especially vulnerable, when it is important for us to know that we are loved and accepted for who we are. We often gossip because, judging others, we seem to confirm that we are not like that, and these qualities do not concern us in any way.

I noticed that the more I judge someone, the more I doubt myself. Well, gossip is a stupid thing to do. “It can be assumed that you are increasingly thinking:“ I am so old, a lot of time is wasted … ”Tatyana Yudeeva is interested.

Yes, I live the second half of my life – not that there is little time left, but I don’t want to spend it on something that is no longer interesting to me. Therefore, ties with friends who still like to discuss others are destroyed. “Now you are thinking about how to fill your communication now?” the psychologist asks.

“A wise man is unlikely to amuse himself with empty talk,” I explain hesitantly. “He thinks about the world, about himself…”

But the psychologist asks: “What, fools don’t think about it? It seems that when you evaluate yourself and your friends, you are based on certain criteria. It is worth understanding how they arose and why you have set yourself such a high bar.

You cannot live up to it and therefore feel constant dissatisfaction with yourself. Ask yourself: what would I like from life? How will I feel if I don’t gossip around my friends?”

Automatic thoughts

“But if everyone around me deserves a negative assessment, then the world becomes an unpleasant place in which you don’t really want to be,” I reflect. “And if that’s the case?” Tatyana Yudeeva smiles.

Well, no, I don’t agree with that. “No,” I answer. – It’s not the world itself that is terrible, but the fact that I am constantly evaluated in it, perceived worse than I am. I can see it by intonation, by looks, by the fact that someone is happy when they meet, but not me.

In early December, we went to the cinema with friends and met Maxim – I remember well how he smiled at the sight of Katya, how he tightly hugged Oksana … And how he turned in my direction and grunted: “Hi!” I was hurt. It seemed that now they would all go somewhere together, but without me.

“I am separate, I am an outsider,” the psychologist repeats my words. – This is your idea. What do you feel? – “I’m offended.” – “And what are you doing?” “I’m leaving,” I say, and I understand that I always leave in such cases.

But that evening, no one went anywhere, everyone went to different subway exits and different streets. “Your forecast was not confirmed, no one considered you superfluous,” sums up Tatyana Yudeeva. “But he was really happy for her, but not for me,” I argue.

“And who said that this man should treat all women equally? – the psychologist stuns me. “Why should he treat you the same way he treats the girl he hugged?” And treat you the same way as with her? And in general, it’s not about how he behaved, but about what you expected from this meeting.

“Is everyone supposed to adore me and demonstrate it in every possible way?” I ask, a little embarrassed. “And if this does not happen, then you consider yourself superfluous and move away, catapult,” Tatyana Yudeeva responds.

– And now a very important question: why do you have exactly these (the same) thoughts in similar situations? Could they be different?”

See the situation differently

We go over the options, and I understand that I would hardly have coped with this alone: ​​thoughts do not want to flow in the other direction.

“Wonderful! the psychologist suddenly rejoices. – This just says that you involuntarily choose the same style of thinking. It’s hard for you to think differently. And I can tell you this: if a person says “Goodbye, I’m gone” and quickly leaves, then it can be difficult for another to simply call him back, call him back.

Maybe your friends have decided that you have some business. And some people and the back is very expressive, repulsive. They might have thought: “Inna doesn’t want to go with us, she has her own secrets, she doesn’t like us very much…”

Then we talk about thoughts that prevent you from looking at the situation more broadly. “We each have beliefs about ourselves and other people,” explains the psychologist. – They are not always formulated in words, but we live in accordance with them.

One person has a belief – “I’m smart”, and he will behave everywhere based on this. The other says, “I’m stupid.” Someone is sure: “I am good (caring, loyal, cheerful).” And depending on these ideas about ourselves, certain thoughts appear in us.

It is difficult for me to break out of this circle: it is no coincidence that I did not come up with other options for behavior in the case of Maxim. “And you could not leave, but smile at him, come up, hug him or say: “Well, hug me, I also want to,” the psychologist prompts and gives me homework. The next time I feel like I’m superfluous again, don’t run away, but try to behave differently.

You can get rid of automatic thoughts if you learn to observe them. After all, we, oddly enough, do not notice what exactly we thought at one time or another, we do not see the patterns of our thinking, and as a result we feel longing, constant tension and anxiety.

Therefore, it is so important to be attentive to yourself at the first moment of communication with an unfamiliar interlocutor, the first day of work in a new place: imagine that you open the door before entering the room and say: “Hello!” And “catch” the thought that arises in you at that moment – it may turn out to be unexpected.

“Try to keep a diary, write down your thoughts,” Tatyana Yudeeva sums up. “Since childhood, we have been dragging a suitcase full of beliefs with us, and such a diary allows us to revise it and throw out the unnecessary.

And when we manage to do this, we achieve the goal of living more consciously, understanding what is happening to us, and ultimately being a friend to ourselves.”

“Non-judgment is the key to love”

Patrice Gourier, priest, psychologist

From the heartfelt injunction of the Gospel (“Judge not, lest you be judged”) to Buddhist principles (“Things are neither bad nor good, they (just) exist”), from the Koran (“Do not slander each other”) and to the Talmud (“ Don’t judge your neighbor before you take his place”), non-judgment is a vital principle proclaimed by most spiritual traditions.

First of all, because it is a prerequisite for the social world: not to judge is to agree with difference. And consequently – to live in harmony with others, overcoming fear, to win in tolerance, gratitude, in love. Three basic common spiritual values ​​are also reflected in the Christian tradition.

Psychologies: The gospel is replete with calls for non-judgment – how are they to be understood?

Patrice Gurier: They must be taken as a necessary consequence of the second commandment, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” It’s about not judging others, and not judging yourself. Judgment always springs from fear. But it is impossible to live in fear and in love at the same time, and the whole meaning of the gospel is contained in these words: “Love one another.” Non-judgment is the key to learning to love others and ourselves better.

How do you personally achieve this?

P.G. I do mindfulness meditation. As we return through our body and our senses to the present moment, we experience a sense of the oneness of life. Psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan argued that our spirit always hovers between the real, the imaginary and the ideal. More often than not, we turn our backs on reality in order to live in an ideal and imaginary world. Returning to our body, we return to reality, as we feel it from the inside, we part with stereotypes, a priori judgments, and fear. In the gospel, Jesus says, “Judge not.” He invites us to inner silence so that others and God can access us. This is nonjudgment.