“I want to handle”: why a partner should not play the role of a parent

Many of us experienced a lack of unconditional love and acceptance as children. Many were not praised, not caressed, not hugged. Perhaps the parents were simply afraid to “spoil” us with affection and love. Or maybe they were narcissists or addicted to alcohol, drugs …

Be that as it may, this lack of parental love will remain with us forever – we will not be able to relive our childhood, rewrite the past and fill in the gaps.

We carry with us a heavy load of childhood traumas, therefore, entering into a relationship, consciously or unconsciously we are looking for a “mother” in a partner. Not the one that we had in life, but the ideal one – kind, accepting. The one that “takes on the handle” when we need it. Understand and forgive whims. And never quit.

Picture perfect, right? Only here to “blind” another person as an “ideal parent” (ideal in our view) is not only an unrealistic task, but also not entirely ethical. Squeezing another into the role assigned to him, we forget what a partner really is, what are his character traits, desires and needs.

Even if in some ways the partner corresponds to the image we have drawn, in another he may show himself not at all the way we want. For example, he does not “take on the handles” when we are capricious, but gets angry. It does not contain our emotions (containment means to calmly endure and accept, without losing your temper and not responding with aggression to aggression), but it freaks out.

He has his own injuries and, most likely, his own “dislike”. And then between two people there are quarrels, insults, mutual misunderstanding, alienation. In addition, counting on the beloved person to become our “mother,” we ourselves risk.

Here are 5 reasons why these expectations are dangerous for relationships and ourselves:

1. An unbearable burden falls on the partner

Playing a role according to someone else’s scenario and being responsible for meeting the emotional needs of a partner is too heavy a burden. And it is quite natural that a person will not be ready to “drag” her on himself.

2. Relationships become codependent

There is no air between two people, and attachment is based not on love, but on fear and hunger for unmet needs. In such relationships, there is no place for healthy boundaries, and, as a rule, they act destructively on both partners, they can be called co-dependent.

3. Opens up space for tyranny on the part of the partner

Such relationships can be built in different ways. And in some cases, next to a person who is constantly looking for support, another becomes a tyrant and an abuser who enjoys control and power. How far his manipulations will go and what we will agree to, just to get the coveted bit of love, is difficult to predict.

4. A person finds himself in the position of asking …

Figuratively speaking, one who expects parental love and support from a partner either constantly stands with an outstretched hand, or “stomps his foot” demandingly, like an angry child. This can not but affect his self-esteem and self-respect. And ultimately on respect from a partner.

5 …. And loses independence

Anyone who is not accustomed to satisfy their emotional needs on their own, in the absence of a partner, is completely helpless. But not a single person can be with us all the time: the partner may not be in the mood, he may leave, go to another partner, get sick or even die. And, alas, no one is immune from this.

What to do? The answer is obvious – to become your own “mother”. It’s difficult, but possible. As a rule, psychotherapy and serious work with your childhood traumas are needed along the way.