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They strive to be the best in everything and try very hard to achieve the recognition of others. Their efforts are often rewarded, but no amount of success seems to satisfy them. What is the reason for such an obsessive desire to be the first in any situation?
Modern society has made achievements one of the main values. Taking first place at work, in sports or in personal relationships is no longer a dream, but a duty for everyone. Meanwhile, psychoanalysts believe that such a thirst for victory at any cost is characteristic of narcissistic personalities and is not only a driving force that makes them develop and improve, but can become a source of depression. When, despite all efforts, success never comes, it entails pangs of shame and loss of self-respect.
Looking for parental love
At the beginning of life, we really need the love of parents. It is this feeling that gives the self-confidence necessary to move forward and find a place among other people. “Parental love is the platform that supports all life,” says developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik. “However, if he is elevated too high, it can lead to the formation of a narcissistic personality. If parents perceive any step of the child with admiration, do not instill in him a realistic attitude towards himself, this can give rise to the conviction that the whole world should be at his feet.
Such people have no doubt that they are the strongest, the most gifted, and that one can speak of their personality only in superlatives. Not being the very best would mean for them the risk of losing the love of their parents, and later – the recognition of society. Meanwhile, not only an excess, but also a lack of parental love can lead to the formation of a narcissistic personality.
meet expectations
“It often happens that parents show love only in cases where the child’s achievements are in their own interests,” explains psychoanalyst Marina Bardyshevskaya. “They entrust their child with the mission of doing what they themselves did not do in their time, and due to his success they increase their self-esteem. The child, on the other hand, has an unconscious feeling that he is not valuable to his parents (and to other people) in himself and that he can earn their love only through his achievements.
Such an orientation to other people’s values does not give him the opportunity to be himself, to realize his desires and goals. “The desire to meet the expectations of others leads to an increasing alienation from one’s own needs and requires great emotional costs,” continues Marina Bardyshevskaya. “Therefore, in the event of the slightest failure, depression can set in.”
“I strove for success because, deep down, I considered myself the worst”
Valeria, 32 years old, manager
“As a child, I was the first in everything, not only at school: I studied music, and the teachers thought that I had a great future … I graduated from the university with honors and at the age of 26 I was already a HR director in an international company. I felt above all criticism. Until I had to stop work due to a leg injury and found that a replacement had been found for me.
Objectively, it meant nothing, but I experienced it as my defeat. For the first time, I was confronted with the fact that I could be replaced, that I was not the best. I developed depression, which I was able to cope with only with the help of a psychotherapist. I finally realized that I was so striving for success precisely because, deep down, I considered myself the worst of everyone.
Premonition of failure
Some anxious parents believe that their child will definitely get a bad grade, fail an exam, or have a bad relationship with peers. The expectation of an impending failure forces them to do everything to prevent it. And the child has a lifelong anticipation of fiasco.
“In this case, he strives for victory not in order to achieve a result, to hear approval,” says Marina Bardyshevskaya. “He walks away from defeat, which is usually associated with heavy feelings of shame and feelings of inferiority.”
What to do?
Revisit your goals
In an effort to take first place, you may lose sight of your personal interests. What are your goals? What motivates you to strive for them? The answers to these questions will allow you to understand which goals you set for yourself out of narcissism, and which ones correspond to your personal aspirations.
Rely on your opinion
Remember that the opinion of others is relative and your value does not depend on the number of achievements recognized by other people.
Appreciate the victory
Success has barely been achieved, and you are already striving for a new conquest. How to get out of the vicious circle? Realize how much effort this victory cost you. Then congratulate yourself and reward yourself with a gift or a vacation. The goal is to re-learn to appreciate the sweetness of success and build confidence in yourself.
In case of failure…
Analyze its causes and ask yourself the question: “Could I have done better?” If yes, then plan a new attempt. If not, remember that failure is an inevitable part of our lives. And direct the unsatisfied need for success to a more achievable goal.
Advice for those around you
Contrary to popular belief, the one who strives to be the first is convinced that he is the last. Behind this desire lies an unconscious lack of self-respect.
You can help such a person by making it clear that it is not necessary to be the best in order to receive your recognition and love. He must make sure that you value him and that no matter what place he occupies in society, no one will take his place in your heart from him.