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She learned that the twins, to whom she is godmother, were conceived in a test tube – by fertilizing a donor egg with her father’s sperm. The parents hid this from friends and relatives, which greatly offended the godmother, who supported the mother throughout the pregnancy.
Now the twins are 10 years old, outwardly they do not look like their mother at all, and it seems to the godmother that relations in the family do not add up. She sees that children have behavioral problems and believes that these problems can be corrected or at least mitigated by telling the children the truth. The question is, should she state her point of view to her parents?
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- Why do parents interfere in the family life of children?
Psychologist Mariella Frostrup doesn’t really understand the benefits of revealing a secret to children or parents. Moreover, it is not clear to her why, when her godmother friend found out the truth, she was offended and thought that she had been betrayed. Where did a woman get such a simply “possessive” attitude towards her friend’s body? “She was outraged that children were growing in the womb of a friend, and she was not provided with full information about how they got there,” the psychologist comments. “But the desire to know secrets of this kind goes beyond mere friendship. Of course, it is very nice to know everything about a friend, but this is not at all necessary. When it comes to children, the fewer people who know sensitive details, the easier it is to control the flow of information.”
Although today everyone seems to consider it their duty to inform the world about their lives through Facebook, each of us has information that requires careful handling, continues Mariella Frostrap. Facts relating to the conception of children, of course, fall into the category of just such information. And what does it matter even to the closest friend?
“I don’t see who this may concern, except for family members, and why on earth they should be put pressure on them, demanding to reveal the truth,” the psychologist notes. “It is also not clear how intrafamilial behavioral problems can be a consequence of the method of conception.”
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- How to stop settling scores with parents?
Mariella Frostrap believes that if a married couple really has problems with children, the godmother, if she is a close friend of the parents, it would make sense to offer her own solution. However, revealing the secret, in her opinion, is fraught with aggression and new difficulties. “Why do you think that learning about the mother’s role in creating these children will bring harmony to the family?” she asks.
The importance of friendly advice cannot be overestimated, says Mariella Frostrap. On the other hand, our feelings and opinions are imprinted by resentment, complexes and various irrational experiences that live in ourselves. That is why each of us needs to answer the question which of these triggers, positive or negative, we react to when we want to say or do something, the psychologist emphasizes. She recommends that the woman first sort out her feelings. “The only crime your friends committed was that they did not let you in on their secret, but judging by your reaction, their decision was somewhat justified,” she concludes.
Friendship isn’t measured by outright confessions, it’s about mutual empathy, support, and enjoyment in each other’s company. “Can you honestly say that all three of these components are in your relationship with your girlfriend?” asks Mariella Frostrap. In her opinion, a woman needs to understand what really caused her mental discord, and sort out the confusion of her own feelings.
See more at The Guardian.