«I want and I will»: fragments from the book of Mikhail Labkovsky

If you want to get married, meet or even live together for six months or a year and nothing happens, you should try to make an offer yourself. If a man is not ready to start a family, then it’s time to say goodbye to him. In a good way, of course. Like, I treat you very warmly and will continue in the same spirit, but away from you.

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Some see choosing a partner as a way to solve their problems. Material, psychological, housing, reproductive. This is one of the most common and fatal mistakes. Only honest partnerships can be healthy. Viable can only be those relationships, the purpose of which is simple — to be together. So, if you dream of a lasting marriage, love, friendship, you first have to deal with yourself and your «cockroaches».

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If you want to get married, the first thing you need to do is get the idea out of your head. At least temporarily. People get what they mentally devalue.

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A common situation when a quarrel develops into violent sex is unhealthy. Don’t get carried away. Such relationships end with the last conflict, but without sex. If quarrels are a constant part of your life, one day humiliation, resentment, anger and other negativity will no longer be overcome. The conflict will remain, but the sex will end forever.

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«What kind of men (women) do you like?» I ask. And I hear about the same thing: about masculinity-femininity, kindness-reliability, beautiful eyes and beautiful legs. And then it turns out that the real partners of these people are completely different from the ideal. Not because the ideal does not exist, but because the choice of a life partner is an unconscious process. After 5-7 seconds after meeting you already know whether you want this person or not. And when you meet a kind person with beautiful eyes and legs, you easily ignore him. And you fall in love, on the contrary, with an aggressive monster prone to drunkenness (option: an infantile bunny prone to shopaholism and selfishness).

Relationship addicts grow out of those children who were hypertrophied and painfully emotionally dependent on their parents. Such people live with only one desire to have a relationship, because if they do not have a relationship, they do not live.

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Ask you now: «Have you ever been in love?» and you will answer: «Of course!» And you will measure love by the level of suffering. And healthy relationships are measured by the level of happiness.

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Of course, much depends on whether we meet «our» person or not. Such that both a friend and a lover (friend of life / lover) at the same time is the most successful combination and a guarantee of family longevity. We all dream about this, thank fate or complain about it, forgetting that there is absolutely nothing accidental in happy meetings. That their ideal partner is met by people who are ready for this meeting: they have dealt with themselves, their childhood traumas and complexes, they have experienced and outlived tough neuroses, they know what they want from life and the opposite sex, and they do not have serious conflicts with themselves. Otherwise, every new relationship becomes a test of strength for both participants and inevitably ends in mutual disappointment and new complexes.

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You can, of course, choose a partner rationally. Like, reliable, not annoying, also wants children … But it reminds me of a test on the Internet: “Which dog is better to get, depending on your temperament?” Hunting or indoor? Will you walk with her three times a day for 45 minutes or let her pee in a tray? Can! But only if you don’t need emotions in a relationship. It also happens. I am sure that the basis of relationships, and even more so of marriage, of course, should be love.

It is useless to leave someone until you have changed internally and until a partner is a way for you to solve your internal problems. Cry, cry and you will find a new one like it.

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The neurotic is always looking for someone in whom to place his great resentment towards life. They are not dependent on a partner, but on the opportunity to be offended by him. Because if you place resentment in yourself, it will turn into depression.

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When a person is not ready for either marriage or relationships, he subconsciously chooses partners with whom it is impossible to build them.

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In a healthy relationship, the dishes are washed not because “it’s necessary”, but because the wife came tired, the husband, not pretending to be a hero, gets up and washes. He really loves her and wants to help. And if she flew in and knows that he is very busy, she will not insist that he meet her at the gangway. It’s not a problem, a taxi will take.

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If you do not want to be disappointed by illusions, then, first, do not build illusions. Do not think that love, marriage or some other situation will change your psychology or the psychology of your chosen one. Thinking/dreaming/dreaming that “when we get married, he will stop drinking” is a mistake. And that he walks up before the wedding, and then abruptly becomes a faithful spouse — too. You can only change yourself.

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The need for relationships in a neurotic is much higher than in a healthy person. A small child has no one but his parents, and all his emotions depend only on them. And if relations in the family were bad, then life went awry. And it drags on … It doesn’t happen with a healthy person that if the relationship ends, the whole life just completely loses its meaning. There are other things as well. Relationships have their place in his hierarchy of values, but not necessarily the first.

In a healthy situation, a person wants to live together with his beloved. It’s not “as you like it”, but just like that. Love? So you live together! Everything else is an unhealthy, neurotic relationship. If they tell you something else: about “not ready”, about a guest or extraterritorial marriage, don’t be fooled. If you yourself are afraid of living together, then at least be aware that this is a neurosis.

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Sexual attraction in us all our lives causes approximately the same appearance and the same set of qualities and traits. Attraction turns on or is silent when we first see a person and unconsciously evaluate him. As you know, a man makes a decision «wants — does not want» within 3-4 seconds, a woman longer — 7-8. But behind those seconds are years and years of early experiences. Libido rests on all the experience of very childhood and already adolescent impressions, pictures, emotions, suffering. And all of them are hidden deep in the unconscious, and on the surface remain, for example, the shape of nails, earlobe, skin color, the shape of the chest, hands … And there seem to be such obvious signs and specific parameters, but in fact everything is much deeper and more incomprehensible.

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I am against parting by force. Parting in the genre “I will never forget you, I will never see you …” Throwing, suffering, and off we go — drama, tears, “I love you, I can’t live without you, but since you do this to me … «You can’t live — so don’t part! Neurotic relationships are precisely when it is impossible to be apart, and even worse together. The trick is not to get a divorce or part, but to stop being sexually attracted to those who torment you, harass you no matter what — beatings or inattention.

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Getting out of a relationship is much easier if you realize that in fact you don’t like all this and don’t need it, that you don’t have love, where the person himself is important, but dependence on emotions. And painful emotions.

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Those who are mentally healthy are guided by their feelings and always choose themselves. Neither beauty nor love requires sacrifice. And if they demand it, it’s definitely not your story. There is no such goal for which it is worth enduring something in a relationship.