Osip Mandelstam wrote these lines more than a hundred years ago. Perhaps they were perceived by contemporaries as deep philosophical searches or a complex poetic image. But today this question is becoming more and more concrete.
A broken relationship
Disorder with the body affects almost every inhabitant of developed countries. Already because the human body is simply not intended for the life that is happening in these developed countries. Judge for yourself: our ancestors for centuries got up at dawn and went to bed shortly after dark. They spent most of the day on their feet, foraging in the field or hunting. And they rarely moved far from home. We get up on an alarm clock, go to bed when we have to, cross three time zones in three hours and sit for as long as all our ancestors up to the seventh generation, combined, probably did not sit.
Of course, we have electric light, fast planes and comfortable «anatomical» chairs. But nature has been creating and honing the human body, its functions and reactions for thousands of years.
Against this background, some half a century is just a miserable period. And it is impossible to change our body in any noticeable way during this time. But to lose contact with him is very even. What we all constantly demonstrate. For example, when we swallow another cup of coffee to cheer up. Or, conversely, a sleeping pill to fall asleep. Or, gritting our teeth, we hobble to the party in new shoes — it hurts, but it’s beautiful. What do we do about it? That’s right, we roughly ignore the signals of our own body.
“Wake up on an alarm clock, observe a diet, possible, and useful, — reflects the psychotherapist Marina Baskakova. “But all this obscures from us the sensations of the body, our real needs for food or sleep. Instead of trusting ourselves, we learn to trust experts who tell us how much and when to eat and sleep.”
We have an idea that the body can be changed. And it’s almost immoral not to do it.
Oh yes, we have a great excuse: we were taught that way. This is one of the main problems — society, seemingly declaring the importance of caring for the body, in fact does everything to «quarrel» us with their bodies. And it starts in infancy.
“The child always feels if the mother’s gaze contains an assessment, — says Marina Baskakova. “And this assessment, unfortunately, is more often critical: we tend to proceed from the false idea that one should not praise a child too much in order not to spoil him.” Therefore, we initially rather look for a reason to scold. Or at least point out some shortcomings. Yes, and the attitude of the mother to her own body is read by children just as easily and often without any words.
“Imagine a little girl who sees her mother getting dressed in the morning and sighs ruefully as she looks at herself in the mirror,” suggests psychotherapist Susie Orbach. “Or how mom avoids touching food so she doesn’t get fat.” Before learning to speak, such a girl is already learning how to treat her body and its needs. That is, how not to treat him, of course. But it is these first lessons that are the most important for us.
Looking from the outside
Not so long ago, Susie Orbach set out to count how many images of perfect (brought to perfection by the efforts of plastic surgeons, Photoshop masters, and more often both of them together) bodies are shown to us by advertising. She made at least 3 thousand a week. Can you imagine all the power of the load that these beautiful pictures have on us? What about the consequences? Susie Orbach presents and formulates them very clearly: “We have the idea that the body can be changed. And it’s almost immoral not to do it.»
Marina Baskakova reflects on the deeper consequences. “Commerce separates a person from the sense of himself and focuses his attention on how he is perceived by other people,” she says. — This is natural, a society cannot consist exclusively of unique people, otherwise the very structure of society will fall apart. That is why both advertising and fashion serve as a kind of standardization — including bodies. More precisely, ideas about them.
In this case, the society can only be congratulated — it has achieved a fair amount of success. But we can only sympathize. And above all women. “The dependence of a woman on external evaluation is due to nature itself,” continues Marina Baskakova. — It is rooted in the initial dependence on a man. The female is weaker than the male, and the female with the cub is doubly weaker. And in order to survive, it needs a high external evaluation.
Today, of course, there is no such biological dependence, but the social dependence has only worsened. And the experience of one’s own value for most women is directly related to external assessment, from an outsider’s point of view. So what is the result? Not only do we not feel our body is truly ours, we do not hear it, we also do not see it. Or, better to say, we look at it through the eyes of other people. As if delegating to them the right to decide for us how we look. And, barely suspecting the possibility of a bad grade, we rush to the gym, starve ourselves with starvation diets or sign up for operations.
And then several years pass. And the body changes. And also fashion. We find ourselves at the same point from which we tried to escape. Because the body cannot be reshaped endlessly to please someone’s tastes or «preserved» in time. And the only chance to win this fight is to learn to live in it.
Peace to huts and palaces
«The body is the house in which we live, says psychologist Mary Wood. – And everyone needs to live in a beautiful, comfortable house. But this does not mean that you need to chase interiors from glossy magazines every day. And this idea is definitely worth listening to. Yes, some are lucky to be born in palaces. But how little is known about the stories of unfortunate princesses? As well as about happy simpletons from modest neat houses. And isn’t it the same with bodies?
Many women, whose appearance is openly or secretly envied by all their friends, never find happiness. They seem to be no longer able to stop in pursuit of an ideal that is still unattainable. And now think about overweight people who have certain physical disabilities or are simply deprived of beauty.
Surely everyone has such acquaintances. And among them there are almost certainly those who can be envied with much more reason than written beauties and handsome men. Because they are happy. They are cheerful, happy with life, their loved ones and themselves. How do they do it? Quite simply, they live in their own bodies. They do not look from the outside, but they live, just like in houses — maybe not the most majestic, but extremely comfortable.
The origins of such a correct attitude towards one’s own body are laid in infancy, Marina Baskakova points out. Without it, the feeling “I am not like that” characteristic of most women is transformed into “my body is not like that” — and the very pursuit of the ideal begins. And at the same time, all failures can be blamed on the body. “Instead of understanding the reason for loneliness, boredom or dissatisfaction with life, it is much easier to consider: all this is because, for example, I am fat,” says Mary Wood sadly.
But is it possible to comfortably accommodate in your own body, if you have not been lucky to do this since childhood? Stop treating your body as evidence of non-existent crimes? It is possible, although it will require some effort, psychologists say. Marina Baskakova recommends body-oriented psychotherapy as a way to switch attention from trying to «value» your body to its true feelings and needs. “Successful therapy opens the body to a wide variety of ways to enjoy life—regardless of size, weight, or age,” she says.
In moments when we are especially inclined to perceive our body critically, turn to photographs taken several years ago.
Susie Orbach recommends moments when we are especially prone to take our body critically., refer to photographs taken several years ago. Usually we like ourselves in these pictures. And now remember — didn’t you worry about some of your imperfections at the time when they were made? It turns out that you were simply not objective to yourself then. And, quite likely, they are not objective even now.
According to Susie Orbach, this simple technique helps to come to accept your body. And Harvard Medical School psychologist Sabine Wilhelm created a special clinic for the treatment of mental disorders due to experiences associated with feelings of physical inferiority. And she developed a program, the observance of which is designed to help us finally feel our body as our own home.
Key recommendations
1. Looking in the mirror, describe yourself, while avoiding negative assessments. Use only neutral characteristics: dark hair, pale skin, sloping shoulders… By the number of negative characteristics that you have to give up, you will soon understand the difference between your own appearance and your distorted ideas about it.
2. Avoid tricks to which you habitually resort because of the ideas of your imperfection, whether it is baggy clothes that disguise the body, eternal complaints and requests for consolation, or debilitating diets. All this does you more harm than good.
3. Don’t write off any problemor discomfort on the imperfection of the body. And if someone looks at you strangely, force yourself to give up the thought «looks and thinks I’m fat.» Better ask yourself what other reason this person might have to look at you like that.
4. Force yourself to get into situations you’ve been avoiding. And if you are embarrassed because of your imperfections to go to the skating rink or to the pool, overcome the discomfort and go.
5. Expand your perspective. Yes, you are not «Miss World», but you are a wonderful mother, a witty woman, an excellent hostess and a devoted friend. Awareness of one’s own merits increases self-esteem, pushing dissatisfaction with the body further and further into the background.