We grow up, but for parents, time seems to have stopped: they continue to treat us like teenagers, and this is not always pleasant. Psychotherapist Robert Taibbi suggests resetting your relationship with your parents and taking it to the next level.
Episodes from childhood are remembered in different ways. If we ask our parents how a Sunday trip to the amusement park went thirty years ago, they will tell their story. And we can describe the same day in a completely different way. Resentment will come up that we were scolded, disappointment when we did not buy a second ice cream. The bottom line is that the memories of parents and their adult children about the same events will be different.
As we grow, we move forward, and our needs, as well as our memories of our relationship with our parents, change. Sometimes at the age of 30, thinking about childhood, people suddenly discover something new in their past. Something buried under other emotions and thoughts. A new look can change the attitude to the past, cause anger and resentment. And they, in turn, provoke a conflict or a complete break with the mother and father.
Psychotherapist Robert Taibbi cites the example of Alexander, who admitted in a session that he had a «difficult childhood». He was often scolded and even beaten, rarely praised and supported. Remembering the past, he angrily sent an accusatory long-winded letter to his parents and asked them never to communicate with him again.
Parents do not keep up with the times and do not understand that the children have grown up and the old tricks no longer work.
Another example from Taibbi’s practice is the story of Anna, who is used to controlling her current life, is used to having her requests fulfilled, and prohibitions not being violated. However, her parents did not listen to her. Anna asked not to give her son a lot of gifts for his birthday, and they brought a whole mountain. The woman got angry and upset. She decided that her parents were treating her like a teenager — doing what they saw fit without taking her words seriously.
According to Robert Taibbi, parents live with memories and old views, do not keep up with the times and do not understand that the children have grown up and the old tricks no longer work. The parents of Alexander and Anna did not realize that the reality had changed, their approaches were outdated. Relationships like this need a reboot.
How to do it?
Robert Taibbi recommends: «If you’re angry at the past, feel like your parents don’t understand you, try restarting your relationship.»
For this you need:
Understand why they are. Parents are entitled to their opinion about your childhood. And out of habit they still think of you as small. The reality is that people hardly change with age unless they have a strong motivation. And for their behavior to change, it’s not enough just to ask them not to give their grandson a bunch of gifts.
Calmly tell how you feel. Being honest about how you see and experience childhood can be both comforting and rewarding. But you need to know when to stop. After all, endless accusations will not bring clarity and understanding, but will only make your parents feel buried under your emotions and confused. They will decide that you are not yourself, drunk or having a difficult period. Something similar may well happen to Alexander, and his letter will not reach the goal.
Taibbi recommends that you talk to your parents calmly, without threats or accusations, and ask them to listen to you. “Be persistent and explain as clearly as possible, but as far as possible without unnecessary emotions and with a sober mind,” the psychotherapist writes.
When people are asked to stop what they’ve been doing for decades, they feel lost.
Explain what you need now. Do not cling to the past, persistently try to change the way your parents look at the events of your childhood. It is better to direct energy to the present. For example, Alexander can explain to his parents what he wants from them now. Anna — to share with her mother and father her experiences, to tell that when her requests are ignored, she feels rejected. At the time of the conversation, it is necessary to express yourself clearly and without unnecessary emotions.
Give parents a new role. When people are asked to stop what they have been doing for decades, they feel lost and don’t know how to proceed. The best thing to do when restarting a relationship is to replace old patterns of behavior with new ones. For example, Alexander needs his parents to listen and support him. For him and for them it will be a qualitatively new experience. Anna will convince parents not to spend money on gifts, but to take the child to the zoo or museum or talk to him, find out how he lives, what he does, what he loves.
Rebooting a relationship takes wisdom, patience, and time. You may even need to consult a family psychologist. But Taibbi believes that it is worth it, because in the end you will get what you most need: the understanding and respect of your parents.
About the author: Robert Taibbi is a psychotherapist, supervisor, and author of books on psychotherapy.