“I told you!”: how to recognize imaginary confidence

Abrupt at work. Time is running out. You need to have time to finish current affairs, make a quarterly report, hold several meetings … At the end of the working day, your head is spinning, and the only desire is to get under the pillow with your head.

You can’t stand it and complain to a colleague about the lack of time and energy. And in response you hear: “What are you whining about? I also work like a horse – and nothing, I’m still alive! The subtext of this message is: “I can, but you can’t”, which most interpret as “I’m smart, and you’re a complete fool!”. It’s a shame? Certainly!

What it is?

True Confidence self-sufficient. She does not need confirmation in the form of praise, she is not afraid of condemnation or rejection from the outside. A confident person is calm, solves problems without unnecessary nervousness: “It’s okay, we’ll break through.” He is ready to forgive himself for mistakes, does not require the ideal or impossible from himself and others. Important: he does not humiliate anyone in order to “elevate himself.”

Imaginary confidence is an artificially created state that depends on the opinions of others and other external factors. Fake confidence, like fake muscles, requires constant “steroids” to keep from deflated. “How could you not guess?”, “I told you!”, “And think with your head?” – if a person utters these phrases addressed to you, know that you are his “steroid”. At your expense, the imaginary confidence of a person who does not believe in his own authority is “pumped”.

Reasons for the development of imaginary confidence

“Without me, everything will collapse…”

In this way, people feed their self-esteem. Yes, human relationships are sometimes built on the principle of dominance. Belittling, devaluing others, some feel more needed, significant.

“Yes, what can they do without me!” and “They will be lost without me!”. Such phrases and thoughts are a sign that a person is trying to inflate his significance and authority. At the same time, he himself is tense, cannot relax and is in eternal stress. But secondary benefits and habit force him to adhere to this style of behavior.

Illusion of significance

Communicating with such people, you are often surprised by their confidence and high self-esteem. But isn’t this an illusion? Tata Theodoridi is sure: an absolute illusion. The reason for haughty behavior is low self-esteem and an undermined sense of self-worth.

A tyrant husband who constantly oppresses his wife was probably humiliated in childhood by his parents, and in this way he compensates for his “unhealed wound.” And the inability to feel their importance in the family sometimes makes a person “realize” at the expense of colleagues at work.

By suppressing and dominating, people increase their authority, feel stronger and more powerful. And not always the desire to increase one’s significance is expressed only in words.

The legal assistant takes on overwhelming tasks. He stays at work for a long time, sometimes goes out on weekends, takes work home and tries for the whole department. Does he really need it that much? Does he like to carry everything on himself? No. But by doing so much work, he increases his importance, as if he is telling his colleagues: “Here, look at what I am and what you are.”

How to deal with false confidence

If you recognize your own behavior in the examples described above, this is fixable.

First, you need to be willing to change. Yes, if you deny the facts and justify yourself, everything will remain the same.

Secondly, it is important to find a foothold in yourself. Stop looking to other people for the foundation of your confidence. Build your own, personal, and you will no longer depend on anyone. Find constructive, that is, creative, positive, ways to increase your significance and authority. For each it will be a list of good deeds. How does it happen?

• Olga, 34 years old. A couple of times a month he goes to his elderly relative. Helps with household chores, shopping, helping to take a bath. After each meeting, he feels an unprecedented surge of strength. And all because it received confirmation of its necessity and importance in a completely environmentally friendly way.
• Pavel, 36 years old. Works in a car service. Once a quarter, he invites young newcomers-colleagues and arranges a master class for them, shares his experience. Young guys are grateful to him, and Pavel feels at his best.
• Irina, 40 years old. A lover of phrases from the series: “I told you, but you didn’t listen!”. She said them in response to her friend’s complaints about problems at work and at home. But instead of edification, I learned to answer: “Yes, I understand, it’s really not easy.” This is the result of a lot of hard work.

Third, it’s important to acknowledge that you don’t really care about yourself. That is why you encourage your low self-esteem and allow yourself such behavior. By deceiving and deceiving you do not solve the problem.

Only an honest and sober look at yourself and your relationships with people will help you change for the better.