Contents
Immediacy is a wonderful quality of character! But often lovers of excessive frankness put both themselves and their interlocutors in an awkward position. Where does this need to shamelessly open the soul come from?
Too talkative and frank, they are ready to twist the soul, not caring too much about how appropriate it is. But their confessions often sound out of place or are perceived as faux pas.
“Such a manner of behaving indicates that a person has broken contact with himself and with other people,” explains Jungian analyst Tatyana Rebeko. “The one who talks about his personal life without resorting to internal censorship is so absorbed in his own feelings, desires or fears that he loses the sense of connection with another person and does not take into account that he has his own circle of interests.” Why is this happening?
Escape from loneliness
The distance is difficult for those who cannot survive the frustration associated with the awareness of existential loneliness.
“When an adult constantly (and frankly) talks about himself, he behaves like a child,” says Tatyana Rebeko. “Such regressive behavior is an unconscious attempt to isolate oneself from the truth that everyone faces sooner or later: a person is alone in his essence, alone in suffering and in the face of death.”
This phenomenon speaks of the blurring of the boundaries between internal and external, between “I” and “not-I”. Too frank, in a sense, merges with another person, perceiving him as his continuation. Therefore, in his communication there is no symbolic distance.
“I am learning to build communication so that people talk about themselves”
Olga, 30 years old, sales manager
“I know that I talk too much, but it seems to me that if I shut up, I will be in the shadows and they will no longer notice me at all. Although many do not like my spontaneity, talkativeness, sociability. Men, for example, are often irritated, our relationship quickly begins to tire them. In order to somehow change the situation, I went to psychotherapy and I really hope that I can master a different style of communication, learn to be interested in other people, hear what they say.
Mixing fantasy with facts
“People who easily turn to confidential confessions about themselves did not manage to delimit their territory in childhood, to build their own separate inner world,” says psychotherapist Nicole Prieur. – The psychological space of the personality with its indispensable area of mystery has not been formed for them. They still have a hard time distinguishing reality from imagination, fact from fantasy.”
This happens if a child grew up in a dysfunctional environment, experiencing fears and not feeling safe, if he lacked communication with his parents, the family was incomplete, or, conversely, loving parents unceremoniously invaded his life, perceiving him as their continuation. Such adults could not teach a child simple silence, forcing him to tell them everything he thinks.
Constant desire to please
Psychotherapists also explain the need to constantly and talk a lot about oneself with a personality disorder, a borderline manifestation of character, close to hysteria. The goal (often unconscious) of such people is simple: to impress, to attract attention at any cost.
They use the strategy of “getting ahead”: to say as much as possible in order to avoid talking about what they don’t want to talk about. Shocking statements, radical views serve as a smokescreen hiding vulnerabilities.
Psychotherapist Jane Turner explains this behavior as a desire to test the strength of the relationship: “If after I lay out everything about myself, including the worst, they still accept me, then I have met a real friend.”
These adults behave like obnoxious children, deliberately showing their worst side to make sure they are loved. Behind the irrepressible frankness lies the disturbing question: “Do I deserve love and respect?”
What to do?
Restore the boundaries of your own body
Step by step, build boundaries between yourself and others. First, try to feel where your body ends: feel the soles of your feet, your fingertips, the top of your head. Draw an imaginary line that separates and protects your Self, and do not allow anyone (including yourself) to cross it.
Explore your inner world
Take time to be quiet and alone. Listen to your thoughts and feelings, sort through them … and keep them to yourself. If you keep a diary, you can write them down, but don’t read them to anyone! Get used to the idea that it is impossible to share everything in the world. You can become a truly adult only by learning to endure frustration and loneliness.
Get rid of the illusion of confluence
In love and family life, try to avoid the word “we”, recognize the autonomy of a partner and your own individuality. In friendship and at work, set a clear distance: if everyone respects the principle of the inviolability of the personal space of another person, communication will become more comfortable for everyone.
To the one who is near
If a loved one is confusing with excessive frankness or you are simply tired of his endless stories about yourself, you should tell him about it.
Correctly and clearly stop him, explain that you are embarrassed to listen to such things. And try to understand why he is so intrusive, what he really expects from you, what he lacks or what you don’t give him. Indeed, often, speaking too much and too frankly, a person makes it clear that we do not give him enough time and attention, that he does not fully feel our sympathy.