They feel like the target of any remark and constantly doubt themselves. Why do they put themselves at the center of the world? What needs helps them satisfy their suspiciousness?
“I feel like I’m being targeted all the time,” says Sofia, 37, a screenwriter. “Whenever I hear a joke about provincials or a snarky remark about a movie, I start to doubt myself!” I am one of those to whom you don’t even say a word.” Many of us have difficult days when we see the catch in everything and any drop can be the last.
“Each of us translates reality into our own language,” explains family psychologist Inna Shifanova. Everything that happens to us (even that which does not directly apply to us) passes through the filter of our perception. Hence the distortions in the assessment of events.” But the habit of being responsible for how others see us is not just a fad. It helps to satisfy our needs: for security, for recognition, for meaningfulness.
I need security. Imagining that any statements and reactions of another person are always connected with us, we feel more secure. This happens when we behave like a child who does not yet share the “I” and the world, explains Inna Shifanova. At first it seems to him that he is part of the mother, then – part of the family, only then the circle expands, freeing his own “I”. And anxiety brings us back to the state of infancy, to the search for fusion.
“When we experience such relationships, we do not distinguish between ourselves and others,” says psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella. But then the actions and emotions of another person automatically affect us.
Those who lack self-respect feel better about being the object of attention of any kind.
I want recognition. When we accept the outcome of collective action as our own (such as success at work or losing a football game), it confirms our self-esteem, overestimated or underestimated.
“People with narcissistic traits are easily offended,” notes Inna Shifanova, “they perceive any remark as criticism, as if their right to exist is called into question. By protesting, they are defending their being.” And those who lack self-respect feel better about being the object of attention of any kind. Anything but indifference!
I’m looking for meaning. We need the world to be logical and meaningful. For this we are ready to take responsibility for everything that happens, even if it is not directly related to us. “Events that are incomprehensible to us, we give the meaning that suits us,” says Saverio Tomasella.
Although criticism is unfair, if we feel guilty, it allows us to make the situation more understandable. “If we participate in events, we can act (correct our mistake or explain ourselves) instead of passively enduring, waiting, or doubting.” This way we retain some power over difficult situations.
What to do
Look at the situation from a distance
When someone’s remark really spoils your mood, give yourself time to think. Who spoke these words? Is this person worthy of trust, is he important to me? Is the comment justified? Wait a little while for the whirlwind of emotions to subside: then you can react more deliberately.
Sort your feelings
It is difficult to adequately perceive the situation when we do not understand where the boundary is between us and the outside world. Listen to your feelings. How do you feel during and after an unpleasant event? What is happening in your body, in your mind, what is happening with your emotions? This helps to distinguish the external (the facts) from the internal (their effects on you). By sorting sensations and impressions, you will get rid of confusion.
Semyon, 23, law student: “I took everything personally, because in fact I didn’t want anything from other people: no criticism and remarks, no compliments, no help, no selfless kindness. That’s what I started working on in the first place when I decided to be less offended and less irascible. Learn to accept, allow yourself to be happy, instead of seeing only bad things everywhere, express your joy with words, smile, say thank you, feel gratitude. All this helped me to become more open.”
become an adult
To grow, you need to get out of a merging relationship—in this case, with those who criticize or disagree with you. Take note of your differences and take them for granted. You are not responsible for the other person, just as he cannot be responsible for your emotions and actions.
It’s time to grow up, so stop following the instructions you received as a child: “Do your best,” “Be perfect.” Allow yourself to finally be yourself.