From early childhood, 33-year-old Ekaterina asks herself the following questions: “Who am I?”, “Why do I live?”, “What is the point of what I do?” … She is worried that these questions do not let her go. She even sees the need to understand herself as the beginning of depression.
Robert Neuburger: Did you have any problems at that time? Was there something you didn’t understand that you couldn’t explain to yourself?
Catherine: I didn’t understand why my father wasn’t around. When I was born, my parents were 18 years old. My father and mother went to study in Moscow, for the first few years I was raised by my grandparents, my mother’s parents. They had seven daughters and I was the youngest. My aunts are like sisters to me now. And I have absolutely no memories of my parents from childhood.
- Do you have a tendency to criticize?
Robert Neuburger: When did you meet your father?
Catherine: I first saw him when I was 4-5 years old. I wanted to run away from a stranger, but he caught me and said: «Never do that again, because I’m your father.» At the age of 8, I moved to my parents in Novosibirsk, and the three of us began to live. By that time, my father had defended himself and taught at the university. I suddenly realized that he wanted to catch up. It seemed to me that he clung to me. At the same time, my mother was never able to truly become my mother. We had a conflict relationship until the birth of my daughter, three years ago. When she found out that I was pregnant, everything seemed to suddenly fall into place. Only then did we establish a real mother-daughter relationship — we tell each other secrets, do something together … Although before that I was angry with her.
Robert Neuburger: Are you married?
Catherine: My daughter’s father’s name is Eric, we’ve been together for five years. He has two children from a previous marriage who are the same age as my younger brother and sister…
Robert Neuburger: Do you have a good relationship?
Catherine: Yes, we try to see each other regularly with my family and with his relatives. Recently celebrated the fiftieth anniversary of the marriage of his parents, who received me very warmly from the very beginning.
- How to criticize others?
Robert Neuburger: Then it is not very clear why you came to me…
Catherine: (Laughs) It’s hard for me to deal with my feelings when I’m criticized. It is difficult for me to express emotions when I am unhappy with something. I thought maybe I should seek help to sort out my problem.
Robert Neuburger: Are you still asking yourself the same questions you asked yourself as a child?
Catherine: Yes, but not as active. There used to be moments when everything was fine, and it happened that I sank into a deep depression and isolated myself from others. Then everything fell into place, and it seemed to me that I could move mountains.
Robert Neuburger: What helped you perk up?
Catherine: I have always found a foothold outside. I was surrounded by love. As soon as I fell in love, the forces returned to me. Unfortunately, I had a destructive, frustrating relationship, and I wondered if it could be related to the absence of a father in the family.
Robert Neuburger: How are things with you and Eric?
Catherine: Very well, I think I have overcome the stage of abandonment. I broke up with others before him because I was afraid that they would leave me. With him, I keep a sense of reality.
Robert Neuburger: And the criticism you are so sensitive to usually comes from men or from women?
Catherine: I never thought about it…
Robert Neuburger: If I wanted to hurt you, what would I have to say? Something about your mind? Appearances? Professional ability?
Catherine: Something about professional ability… I’m a perfectionist, I always want to do more. That’s how my father raised me.
- How to respond to criticism?
Robert Neuburger: Can you imagine that the image of your father and his opinion of you still have a great influence on you?
Catherine: I think yes.
Robert Neuburger: This is probably not easy to live with.
Catherine: Yes very. In high school, my father began to pressure me to follow in his footsteps and become a teacher. And I wanted to study psychology. To which he answered me: “Where did you see that a psychologist makes good money?” Well, I chose a scientific specialization, although I was always a humanist, and only much later I was able to do what I like.
- I criticize everyone
Robert Neuburger: I think your father is proud of you.
Catherine: Yes, probably.
Robert Neuburger: You managed to find a creative approach, combining what both him and you like. Does your father get along with Eric?
Catherine: Yes, although at first everything was not very smooth, because the father is an authoritarian person. But Eric didn’t let himself be offended.
Robert Neuburger: And he did not give offense to your intimacy and your couple.
Catherine: And there is.
Robert Neuburger: Are you no longer asking yourself existential questions?
Catherine: I ask because I continue to find my way. I read a lot. When I was young, I read Freud, everything related to the Dalai Lama, Paulo Coelho… But now I don’t ask myself: “Why me?”, I’m more interested in knowing why everything happens the way it happens? What is the relationship between nature and man? And between people? I am no longer concerned with what is inside me, but with what is happening around.
Robert Neuburger: When did this transition from the inner to the outer take place? When was your daughter born?
Catherine: Yes, at that moment new fears were born in me, which destroyed the old, more selfish ones. I realized that someday I would die and that I needed to ensure the continuity.
- All in yourself: how to stop suffering from your own egoism?
Robert Neuburger: Do you share your thoughts on this topic with anyone or keep them to yourself?
Catherine: I don’t tell anyone about this. But my father knows this, because he himself is the same, even if he tries to seem like a kind of rationalist. I think we are so connected because we are very similar, although one of us accepts himself for who he is, and the other does not. Eric knows me well too. When I share my thoughts with him, he encourages me. He thinks that the word «hypersensitive» does not quite describe me, that there is something more in me. Indeed, sometimes it seems to me that some things affect me very deeply, as if every cell of my body responds to them. For example, I am very touched by poverty, I always give alms, I try to help in any way I can.
Robert Neuburger: What you are saying is great. In my opinion, it is a great idea to talk about yourself with someone, provided that your interlocutor does not reduce your thoughts to platitudes. You have a complex psyche, a rich personality, and you need a professional who will be open enough to agree to deal with a client who is smarter than him. Not every therapist is ready for this. This is not easy. However, I think you should not be too open to others, because you need to keep something for yourself, your thoughts are your foundation.
Catherine: Yes.
Robert Neuburger: And he’s wonderful.
- Down with oppressive thoughts!
A mounth later
Catherine: “When I came to a meeting with a psychologist, I was very tense, but by the end of the consultation I relaxed, because I realized that everything was fine with me. This conversation helped me understand the meaning of existential anxiety and the value of freedom, which despite any restrictions remains an important need for me. I also realized that I always resisted attempts to make me like everyone else.
Robert Neuburger: “This is amazing, it seemed to Catherine that the existential questions to which she, like many philosophers and thinkers, is looking for answers, make her almost crazy or are a sign of depression! Perhaps this is a consequence of the ideology of happiness, which sterilizes the spirit and silences those who ask too many questions? Or is it the result of her simply not knowing whom to trust with her most human fears, the realization that life has an end and that existence rests on trifles? Do not forget that delightful music and sublime words are born by those for whom such questions have been and are an inexhaustible source of inspiration.
For privacy reasons, we have changed names and some personal details. The recording of the conversation is published with abbreviations and with the consent of Catherine.