I suspect cheating: what should I do?

For three happy years, 28-year-old Daria lived with George until she noticed that his mood had changed: “He became more sad, silent. Once he left his mail open on the computer, and I could not resist, looked in. There were several letters from a woman he works with. But they were not talking about work at all: “Beloved!”, “How I missed you!”, “I remember your smell.” Everything inside me turned upside down.”

Daria is not sure whether to tell George about her discovery. Unlike her, 43-year-old Tatyana decided to ask her husband a direct question … and received an answer to him. But it didn’t bring her peace of mind.

“Anton and I have been married for 15 years,” she says. – He had an affair, and six months ago he told me about it. And he announced that it was all over now. But in the mornings or in the middle of the night messages come, calls are heard. To answer, he goes into another room. When I asked what was happening, he got angry, started shouting: “You are too suspicious!” Except for these episodes, life goes on as usual, recently the two of us went to the sea. But I don’t feel anxious.”

Faced with alleged betrayal, we find ourselves in a situation where we have to make decisions in three directions at once: we need to do something with ourselves, with a partner, and with the relationship as a couple. Let’s try to find out these questions together with experts. But before deciding what to do, let’s figure out what’s going on.

What is happening to me?

Suspecting a partner of infidelity, women most often experience a state of increased anxiety and self-doubt. “This is easy to explain,” says Elena Ulitova, a family psychotherapist, “because when we love and are loved, we feel protected, we have a feeling of merging, inseparability, the illusion that the other is our second “I”.

Suspicions of treason reveal to us that this is not so: the other has his own feelings and aspirations that are different from ours. They may not only not coincide with ours, but even contradict them.

“The confusion is exacerbated by the fact that almost everyone has a conviction learned from childhood:“ You can’t change, ”continues the psychotherapist. “But we find that reality contradicts our ideas: “it’s impossible” – and nevertheless it happened. It is necessary to change not only the attitude towards the partner, but also the attitude to life in general. Sometimes there is a feeling that the familiar world has collapsed.

Therefore, first of all, it is useful to restore internal balance. Then we will have a chance not to follow a momentary impulse, which we may regret later, but to act in a balanced way, while maintaining respect for ourselves and our partner.

3 steps to help yourself

1. Accept your anxiety without trying to suppress it

“You should not tell yourself (as well as listen to such advice): “Calm down, stop being nervous, pull yourself together,” emphasizes psychologist Ekaterina Murashova. You are worried and you are doing the right thing. After all, you experience stress, and stress is an adaptation reaction, it helps to adapt to new conditions.

2. Recognize that conditions have changed

Regardless of whether the betrayal took place in reality, your feelings, thoughts, attitude towards yourself and your partner have become different.

“Admitting that you can’t return the past can be painful, but it is necessary,” insists psychotherapist Elena Ulitova. Only by acknowledging the present can we move into the future. Otherwise, we will move away from reality and plunge into fantasies. And fantasies are not always pleasant.

“Many women tend to take the blame for their partner’s betrayal and build “logical” chains: if she cheats, then she doesn’t love, and if she doesn’t love, then something is wrong with me. This logic is derived from unconscious perfectionism (“I have to be perfect”) and desire for control (“I can control the behavior of others, in particular my partner”).”

3. Strengthen your independence

“Repeat to yourself:“ Everything is fine with me, no matter what my partner does and feels, ”recommends Elena Ulitova. “It is useful to remember all your interests outside of marriage, business and friendships, hobbies and passions, sports and charity, in order to realize your separateness, wholeness and independent value.”

After completing these three steps, you can move on to the action plan. Such a plan allows us to constructively use emotional energy, directing it to setting and solving problems. Otherwise, we would risk this energy becoming destructive, resulting in unreasonable outbursts of anger or depression, endangering our relationships and health.

Action plan

“It is best to think about your actions in a place where no one will interfere and you can concentrate. A calm, shaded room from bright light will do. Then you can sit down (or stand up, lie down – as you like) and carefully and carefully analyze your desires and aspirations, advises family and developmental psychologist Ekaterina Murashova. – Try to understand what exactly you expect from a relationship with a partner.

The answer “I want everything to always remain as it was” should be immediately discarded as unrealistic. Any other balanced answer is suitable: “I want him to marry me”, “I want us to leave with him for permanent residence in Brazil”, “I want a child from him”, “I want us to be interested together again, as when something”, “I want to remain the most desirable for him for many years.”

From here you can proceed to the development of a specific program of action. If we want a child, we quit smoking and are examined by a doctor. If for permanent residence in Brazil, we begin to draw up documents. If we are talking about female desirability, you can read on the Internet what is now generally available on this topic, and estimate the financial possibilities.

What is happening to him?

“Suspicion of cheating always causes suffering, and the strength of feelings does not always make it possible to understand that the partner is also going through a difficult period,” Elena Ulitova reflects. As a rule, a woman is interested in the series of events: was there really a betrayal?

“But such an attitude alienates the partners from each other, turning one of them from a participant in the dialogue into an object of study. Perhaps it is more useful to pay attention to the feelings of the other: most likely, he experiences guilt, fears and doubts of various kinds. Having restored peace of mind and stopped tormenting yourself, it is easier to relate to a partner with participation.

What to do with it

Daria says: “I don’t want to admit to George that I read his mail. And I’m not sure that frankness will improve our relationship.” There are reasons for doubts, Elena Ulitova believes: “Men often close up, leave the conversation, and a woman experiences an even greater feeling of loneliness. And if the conversation takes place, then, started with the best intentions, it often turns into a stream of mutual accusations. As a result, hostility is established between the partners.

Before starting a conversation, it is important to clarify two questions for yourself, Ekaterina Murashova believes: “What did you want to talk about – does he have another, what does he have with his secretary? First ask yourself: does this contribute to the direction of development of the relationship that you have considered? If yes, speak up. If not, don’t speak. Maybe it’s better to talk about kayaking – once you were fond of tourism together.

But tracing the contacts of a partner on social networks, eavesdropping at the door or searching for “compromising evidence” experts advise to stop: “It only takes the mind, strength and time that are needed for more important things.”

What’s going on with the couple?

Cheating, real or perceived, indicates that a couple is in crisis. “Partnership is a complexly organized system,” emphasizes Elena Ulitova. – Each of its participants changes over time, and by virtue of this alone it is impossible to expect that the relationship will remain smooth and constant. At the same time, different events take place inside and around the couple: children are born, relatives grow old, the economic situation changes … Each event must be adapted anew, which requires energy.

Sometimes one of the partners receives such energy supply from the outside, one of its types is new sexual or emotional experiences. Change is a sign of imminent change. This view of things will allow you to better understand what is happening.

How to change relationships

Two people who decide to live together probably have common desires, values, and goals. Some of them (for example, the birth of children) will be achieved over time, and new ones will appear. What are they? What unites us with a partner, what do we value in him and in our couple?

A calm conversation about this will help strengthen mutual goodwill and understand what to rely on if we want to continue the relationship.

Even if we have made the decision not to discuss a partner’s alleged infidelity, we should not stop talking about anything. We can re-offer our support and friendship to the other and discuss the terms of living together in the future.

“Having discovered in partnership something valuable that you would like to keep, you can unilaterally decide to continue living together,” says Elena Ulitova. This is exactly what Tatyana did: “Anton and I sleep in different rooms, but we live together and try to help each other. He has a difficult character, but I do not want to part with him and start a new life. Moreover, we will soon have a granddaughter, whom we are both very much looking forward to.”

Awareness of one’s independence, caring for a partner and relying on common values ​​in a relationship are those guidelines in behavior that can be followed regardless of whether the betrayal was confirmed or remained only our guess. This is not a guarantee – guarantees of this kind simply do not exist – but a successful prerequisite for maintaining and developing relationships.