I-statement is a form of expression when a person speaks about his intentions, his vision, his condition and his feelings, trying not to offend or blame others.
“I-statement” is a good technique that softens the conflict and prevents conflict situations. Indeed, accusations most often begin with “You” or “You” aimed at a partner: “You always behave in such a way that it only makes me worse”, “You never say anything good to me, you only swear”, “You really you really don’t care, you only think about yourself.» Such accusations easily develop into a conflict, but the transition from “You to Me” to describing your feelings usually softens the situation. “I hate to hear what you just said” is softer and more polite, and instead of “You only think about your work”, it’s better to say “I feel sad when I sit at home alone in the evenings.”
However, you need to be careful: if this technique is used thoughtlessly, it will not prevent conflicts, but multiply. Several times I witnessed how female psychologists did not quite adequately use the “I-statement” technique in conflict situations at work and sincerely wondered why their interlocutors did not react as they expected: they seemed to do everything right? In fact, it is not the “I-statements” themselves that help prevent the conflict, but politeness and good breeding, the desire not to offend the interlocutor and the ability to gently, tactfully formulate one’s position and one’s wishes. In itself, the description of one’s feelings in no way saves from conflict and, on the contrary, provokes them. The phrase «I’m furious when I see unwashed dishes» will start a scandal with half a turn. Why? Because the interlocutor in this phrase will hear: “I am furious when I see YOUR dishes not washed”, this phrase accuses: “You are to blame, you drive me crazy!”. If you think only about yourself and your feelings in your «I-statements», you can easily slip into accusations.
«I get irritated when you’re late for a date» — perhaps you wanted to express your feelings of annoyance, but it turned out to be accusations of being late. Likewise, the phrase «I was so worried while you were away and it hurt me that you didn’t call me» — retaining the (seemingly) form of «I-statement», this phrase is at the same time an injection, an accusation and quite a goo.e. m pressure on the partner, negative manipulation.
Avoid «I-statements» when you are in strong negativity, and use «I-statements» more often when you are overwhelmed with bright feelings: «When I feel you care, I feel so happy!»
Correct «I-statements» need to be learned, turning them into more soft requests and «I-messages». “I-statement” is external, these are sounding words, and “I-message” is what sounds behind these words. In the “I-message” a person speaks about himself, but is turned to a partner, he makes the center not himself, but the partner. “I-message” is a form of soft request, the rationale for which is a person’s description of his condition. For example, this call
The “I-statement” in itself is neither good nor bad, everything is determined by who, where, how and why this phrase is used. Often I-statements turn out to be a way to attract additional attention to themselves, to be in the spotlight. “I”, “For me”, “For me”… If this is done by a strong person who habitually takes a leadership position, this is sometimes justified, in other cases it is perceived negatively, as yelling and centropupism.
It is necessary to have a good idea where and with whom «I-statements» are appropriate, and where they are not. Spilling out feelings in the “I-statement” format is quite well understood by women and is more appropriate in personal communication situations. Women love to talk about their feelings, understand the language of feelings well and at the same time quite skillfully behave in a situation of exchanging feelings. Men are usually not so trained in this area, they understand the language of actions better and prefer to communicate at the level of requests and instructions.
“I’m ready to cry when I fail over and over again!” — for a girl, this is a normal outburst of accumulated annoyance, and a young man here, most likely, will be in a quandary: what should he do? Sympathize or help? Men do not understand well how to respond to women’s feelings, and prefer instructions about what they want from them in a given situation. That is why in the business sphere “I-statements”, in which there is an outburst of feelings, are of little relevance, business people prefer to speak the language of polite requests, interesting proposals and reasonable demands.
On the other hand, it is quite masculine to speak in the format of “I-statements”, when it is not the language of feelings, but the language of actions and the language of decisions. «I’m ready to take it upon myself!» — wonderful! “I am against this decision” is understandable. «I want to spend my whole life with you» — amazing! At the same time, the determining factor here also turns out to be the form of the “I-statement” itself, and the reasonableness and responsibility of what a person says.