I say whatever I think

“I went on vacation with a friend, and every day she arranged a showdown for me: I don’t pay attention to her, I don’t say “frankly,” says 37-year-old Elena, a swimming instructor. “I returned half-dead, and the reproaches continued. There was no way to argue. But still, I didn’t want my friend to think that she was right, since I didn’t answer anything.

My psychologist suggested that I only talk to her about general topics, such as the weather. Of course, she understood that I was doing it on purpose. But I have experienced an amazing sense of liberation and I am happy with my discovery – I do not have to say everything that I think.

“And as a result, I had to quit!” laments 25-year-old Nina, a teacher. She advised the director of her school to first deal with her personal life, and only then cling to her subordinates. “But it’s true, why be so angry?” she wonders and sighs, “Sorry! I loved my fifth graders so much.”

What seems to us to be pure truth may look like aggression to another, especially if we invade his personal space. “For what purpose are we telling our truth, why now? By asking these questions, you can better understand your intentions and the reactions of the interlocutor, ”says clinical psychologist Tatyana Voskresenskaya.

Reasons for frankness

1. I let off steam

Strong feelings are difficult to keep locked up, their energy spurs us to action. “You can run or get into a fight, but more often we act verbally,” the psychologist continues, “and the consequences of such a statement do not bother us.

We probably don’t even think about them. But even if we foresee them, we do not try to avoid them – letting off steam is more important for us at this moment. However, if crisis measures turn into a habitual course of action, this is a problem: “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” is a bad recipe for a good relationship.

2. I protest hypocrisy

There are many unwritten rules in society that regulate who, what and when can or cannot be said, and we know them. “In childhood, we gradually assimilate them by communicating with the elders,” explains Tatiana Voskresenskaya, “and as teenagers, we begin to protest against them and violate them, because at this age we have the opportunity – and the need! — critically reflect on the experience of our parents and society as a whole.”

But for some, the teenage rebellion drags on. “They are sure that they refuse to deceive others, but at the same time they deceive themselves, not recognizing that they themselves provoke conflicts,” the psychologist believes. Meanwhile, being sincere and saying whatever you think are not the same thing.

3. I stay true to myself

“I cheated on my husband and told him about it myself,” says 32-year-old Marina. “I am who I am, and I accept myself, even if I’m not very proud of my actions …” Loving ourselves always, no matter what, is our inalienable right. But to demand the same unconditional love from others would be to deny that we are adults and are responsible for our actions.

“Only very young children are loved this way – for their smile, for their rosy cheeks,” comments psychoanalyst Michael Stora. “But by the age of six, a child learns to lie and discovers that sometimes he is loved for what he says. This is how independence begins. Lies create mystery, and mystery creates separateness: one knows and the other does not.

“People who cannot keep anything in themselves are often “frozen”, retaining infantile behavior patterns, the psychoanalyst notes. “Telling everything is a form of exhibitionism that can put other people in a difficult position.”

What to do?

Take a break

Following the first impulse is not always good for us. Give yourself the right not to react to everything immediately. Use the old hint – first count to ten, and then answer. But you can postpone the answer for a few days. Double benefit: after silence your answer will sound more weighty, and in a pause you will be able to think it over, separating the important from the secondary.

Analyze intentions

Recall a specific time when you regretted your words. Then you found yourself in a situation of internal conflict: on the one hand, you wanted to say something important, on the other, you condemned your actions. To resolve this conflict, analyze your intentions.

Why did you need to speak up? What idea did you come up with? What feelings did they express? What was helpful about it for you? What would be good for you if you kept silent? Maybe it would save you from unpleasant consequences? Such an analysis will help you come to terms with yourself.

Find the right way to speak

Avoid judgment and language that makes the other person feel guilty. We all have different sensitivities, and what hurts one may go unnoticed by another. But to pay more attention to how you formulate your thoughts is in our power.