Contents
Raising a sick child requires parents to be more responsible and willing to devote most of their time to him. But what if the mother wants to shift the responsibilities to other children? The story of the heroine is commented on by a psychologist.
“I know I may sound cruel, but listen to me,” began the story of 15-year-old Anna, who decided to share her story with forum users. Not everything is safe in her family: her father left, leaving two daughters to his wife. And one of them, 12-year-old Kate, has psychological deviations, which manifest themselves in hysteria and learning difficulties.
Anna regularly helps her mother with raising her sister in order to give the woman time for herself and meeting friends. But lately, the girl’s patience began to end.
How did it all start? While the mother was in the store, Kate made a scandal. She demanded that Anna take her to a fast food cafe or bring food from it home. Refused, the teenager made a mess in the common room and stole money from her sister’s purse. According to Anna, this behavior is not uncommon: «My sister has already accumulated more than $ 400, as she is obsessed with stealing money from me and my mother.»
When the narrator’s mother returned home, she did not have an educational conversation with Kate, blaming her defiant behavior on her mental health.
And a couple of days later history repeated itself. By pointing out to her mother the unreasonable demands of her sister, Anna ended up to blame herself. The woman told her eldest daughter that she had to comfort Kate herself, as she «had the privilege of hanging out with friends» today, and her mother «had to deal with Kate all day.»
To which the girl replied, «If you can’t take care of my sister, you should have just given her up for adoption.» In the end, the furious mother called Anna a spoiled child and forbade her to hint that the woman was not doing her job well.
What else should be considered in this story?
Anna also has mental health problems confirmed by a specialist — she is prone to depression. But even during the period of severe depressive states, the mother obliges her to take care of her sister, explaining depression as ordinary laziness.
How can you avoid such stories by building a good relationship with a sick child in a family? Let’s talk with psychologist Tatyana Poddubnaya.
How can the heroine of our story defend the right to privacy?
She must understand that she is unlikely to be able to convey her position to her mother. sure psychologist. Based on the girl’s story, we can say that the relationship in their family has certain features:
The mother instilled in the eldest daughter a sense of guilt for the youngest, so as not to engage in her upbringing herself. Now Anna feels guilty that she is healthy, can see friends and lead a full life.
Relations in this family are based only on conflicts. There are people for whom quarrels and swearing are signs of intimacy, and the mother of our heroine is one of those.
At firstAnna needs to learn not to react to conflict. You should try to abstract, preferably silently, with a neutral face, listen to everything and not allow yourself to be thrown off balance. Thus, our heroine will stop “feeding” her family with conflicts.
SecondlyYou need to learn how to talk about your feelings. If you openly talk about your feelings, you create a kind of armor, thanks to which you cannot be manipulated. The heroine of our story should do this, first of all, for herself. Phrases like «I’m offended» or «I hate to hear this» allow you to form your own boundaries.
Thirdly, you need to find a healthy social group. We need to seek friends, not salvation, and there is a big difference in this. Salvation means that you remain helpless, and everyone owes you. And friendship is when you are on an equal footing and support is mutual. Just do not run into a relationship, as is often the case with girls from families with an unfavorable emotional situation, because early marriage is not always about love. the expert thinks.
How can parents distribute attention between healthy and sick children?
You can not blame a healthy child for wanting love in the same way as a sick child. A healthy child may feel that the role of a sick child is a privilege, and he will begin to deliberately create situations of dependence on other people. Thus, in his mind, a weak person will be more worthy of love.
Accept your child’s feelings and don’t blame them for showing them. Do not say: «You are healthy and do not need attention, unlike your sick brother / sister.» ·
Treat children the same way. Your children are equal individuals, regardless of the fact that one of them may be mentally or physically sick. Illness should not give privileges to love or other feelings.
Please note that it is quite dangerous to trust diagnoses before the age of 16. It is not clear where the deviation of the hormonal level, and where is already characterological. As with the younger sister of our heroine, it is not clear whether she is unstable due to a mental disorder or she simply likes that with such behavior they pay attention to her.
Why do mothers “forget” about healthy children?
Guilt. Very often, a mother unconsciously considers herself defective due to the fact that she gave birth to a sick child. This happens only in women, because they, unlike men, are aware of the child as part of themselves. Therefore, in order to atone for her guilt, she does everything possible for this child. If we talk about the unconscious, this is no longer helping the child, but attempts to get away from feelings of guilt.
The need to be needed. If a woman is lonely, has problems with her husband and feels unwanted, a sick child, as always in need of help, becomes the main object of her attention.
Fear. According to Tatyana Poddubnaya, this may be fear for the child, because a healthy person can do everything himself, but a sick person cannot. Such feelings often result in overprotection. It can also be a hidden fear of the child and his illness. A woman has to suppress these emotions, convincing herself that she does not experience feelings of rejection. Which also translates into hyper-custody.