“I realized that I do not love my husband. What do i do?»

«If there is a hell, then this is it»

Evgenia, 37 years old

“I have been married for 11 years. I have two children. All these years, relations with my husband developed in different ways: we quarreled, reconciled again, sometimes even dispersed for a short time (he went to live with his mother). But the turning point came this summer.

Unexpectedly for myself, I fell in love with my colleague Maxim, confessed my feelings to him, and he reciprocated. We started dating, I felt his care, warmth, heard gentle and pleasant words, as at the beginning of our relationship with my husband. And she could no longer refuse this “addition” to her former life.

I myself do not understand how I could decide to cheat on my husband, it happened by itself. Summer evening, we were returning home with Maxim, and he invited me to go to his house, drink some tea and relax a little after a hard day. He said that his girlfriend is not at home now …

My feelings for Maxim grew stronger every day. The husband had no idea. Outwardly, nothing has changed in our family: on weekends, as before, the whole family went to the dacha, grilled barbecue and chatted around the fire. I told my husband that now I have a lot of work and therefore I sometimes stay late in the evenings. But the moment came when I understood clearly and clearly: I no longer love my husband. Early in the morning it came like an epiphany.

I didn’t know what to do next. I couldn’t even think about destroying my family. In addition, I knew that Maxim had a girlfriend, they had lived together for ten years, but they were not married, and they had no children. When we started dating, he broke up with her. He said he couldn’t lie to her. I supported him and said that he did the right thing, and I, too, would soon file for divorce from my husband.

We met for six months, every Wednesday evening, I was the happiest woman, I felt beautiful and loved. And Maxim all this time was waiting for me to confess everything to my husband. Soon I realized that I was not even going to do this, and again began to live with the former.

Now I am trying to improve relations in the family with my husband, sometimes I really want to tell him everything. But I feel sorry for him, I feel that my husband still adores me. It is impossible to revive the old feelings, no matter how much I want it. When you don’t love a person, it seems that he does everything wrong: he doesn’t hug like that when we watch our favorite movie in the evening, he doesn’t cut salad like that, he speaks rudely with his daughter.

Sometimes I want to write or call Maxim. He won’t hold me, but he won’t let me go either. From time to time, he reminds himself with cool videos in the messenger or resets emoticons with hearts.

For several days I just lie, eat, walk. I’m confused and don’t know what to do. Sometimes I take it out on the kids. And in the evenings I can’t fall asleep for a long time: it seems that I don’t live my own life, the circle is closed, and I can’t get out of it. I remember happy days with Maxim and ask myself: why didn’t I tell my husband about us then, why didn’t I file for divorce? I confess that now I do not see the point in life, and if there is a hell, then this is it.

Cheating is not a sentence for a couple

Yulia Romanova, psychologist

The heroine of the story has been married for 11 years. Before falling in love, there was stability in her life. But it is often at this time that one of the brightest and most unexpected crises occurs — the “rebellion of the forties”. Why is this crisis occurring all of a sudden?

Because now is the time to live and rejoice: by this time, everyday problems, as a rule, have been resolved; children have grown up and do not require as much attention as before; in the professional sphere, too, stability and routine often set in. It would seem that this is peace. But some feel exactly what the heroine described: «If there is a hell, then this is it.»

It is during this crisis that infidelity occurs in couples, especially among women. The period when the woman was first pregnant and then a young mother has been successfully completed. Romance, flirting, passion left the relationship with her husband, everything became insipid and predictable. And I want to return the feeling of «butterflies in the stomach.»

Someone solves this problem within a couple, and someone chooses a seemingly simple way — to find a lover or mistress. Our heroine went just this way and decided to get dopamine in an easy way. Her lover, apparently, is also experiencing such a crisis (he has been living with a girl for ten years).

The good news is that this crisis is quite easy to overcome and reach a new level of relationship. How can you help yourself?

1. Look at your life like under a microscope. Pay attention to small details: what your day, week, month consists of. Most likely, you will find that nothing interesting happens in your professional life. You do not develop, you do not try new things, there is no place for self-realization. From this, a deep feeling of dissatisfaction arises, energy is lost. Think about what interesting things you can fill your life with? It can be a hobby, a new training, a change of activity, a promotion.

2. Take your photo album and see what path you have traveled with your husband. Think about how good it was. How did you cope with difficulties together, how did you learn to be parents. Remember how your spouse surprised you, how pleased you, how much care did you receive from him? How did he show his feelings for you before and does he do it now?

3. Imagine that your husband will never be in your life again. Create situations in your imagination when your husband is not near you on New Year’s Eve, on your birthday, on your children’s birthday. And in a year it will not be, and in three, and in five years. Feel what emotions arise, how your body reacts.

4. If you understand that you are not ready to part with your husband forever, consider a plan for rehabilitating your relationship. It can be a vacation just for two, a date, a romantic dinner, an extreme vacation. We need a portion of new joint emotions, where only you and him. Let this part of life become conscious, pre-planned and very important for you.

5. Consider a form of personal therapy for yourself. You may want to talk to a professional and tell them about the guilt you feel after cheating. It’s probably hard for you to deal with it. That is why you want to tell this story to your husband. It seems to you that it will be easier, but this is an illusion. Often, apart from the huge emotional wound that you inflict on him, and even more discord in the family, this leads to nothing.

Cheating is not a sentence for a couple. Sometimes relationships are based on loyalty. And then, if betrayal comes, the marriage breaks up. But sometimes a couple is held together by a lot: common interests, values, emotional closeness, trust and support. In this case, treason is only a signal that something needs to be changed. In my experience, many couples have overcome the XNUMX-something riot and have lived long, happy lives.