“I realized late that I love”: he and she are about whether it is possible to start everything from scratch

“He loves me, but does not find the strength to take a step forward”

Alina: “Oleg and I met and got married in the third year. It was a wave of feelings that happens only in youth, and at the same time a mature confidence – I want to be with this person forever.

As student journalists, we collaborated with a regional television studio. Oleg’s mother worked there all her life. Thanks to her experience and connections, we were able to launch our own cable channel. Oleg was excellent at negotiating, finding advertisements. Together with their mother, they solved all business issues. I was addicted to filming.

At first, our life was like an amazing happy adventure. We loved each other, we were connected by a common cause, besides, it began to bring good money. However, gradually I understood: in our pair there is always a third – Oleg’s mother. She is a bright person, a generator of ideas, and the main thing for her is understanding with her son and their common business. She took my opinion into account less and less, and her husband was more and more drawn to his mother as an ideological inspirer.

We worked hard. And under the guise of taking care of me, my mother-in-law could say that I look tired after filming, I should go home and rest. In the depths of her soul, she believed that I, apparently, should provide the rear, and they would lead the process.

Oleg listened to her more and more, and I lost confidence in myself as a professional. Less participated in the filming, stayed at home, waiting for her husband. He returned very late, inspired. I knew that I still loved him. But the business that was like a child together for us now united him with his mother, and not with me.

One day a new documentary filmmaker joined our team and supported my script ideas. Oleg and mother-in-law approved our film, and I dived into work. With Vadim, a new colleague, we understood each other in everything and were creatively close. We often met four of us, like two teams: Vadim and I, husband and mother-in-law.

The feeling that we are together brought me very close to Vadim. And it all ended with the fact that after a couple of months I was sure – this is my man. With him, I found what my husband denied me – a sense of togetherness. There was no third person standing between us—the mother-in-law. I felt that Vadim was attracted to me not only by work. And our relationship (and in fact, my betrayal) seemed to me then the only possible scenario.

I was sure that I love Vadim, but I was mistaken in Oleg. Vadim easily convinced me that we need to be together. And I told my husband about everything. For Oleg, it was like a stab in the back. He couldn’t believe it for a long time. It seemed to me that we had nothing to talk about and nothing to discuss. She moved out of him to Vadim.

From friends, I knew how hard it was for my husband. “This is no longer the old Oleg,” my former classmate told me. I was sincerely sure that I was building a new life. But after a couple of months, the euphoria passed.

I began to think about Oleg. I missed him and realized that I don’t know Vadim at all. Of course, he lost his job in Oleg’s company and for a long time could not find anything new. He turned out to be a difficult person, not disposed to discuss problems. Stopped talking to me.

One day, I plucked up the courage to write to my ex-husband. He answered me. We met and it was one of the happiest evenings for me. We sat in a restaurant and wrote a plan of our new life on a napkin. These days, we finally began to talk openly about everything that worried me and that eventually broke our marriage.

He listened to me, held my hand. And at that moment, it seemed to me, I really understood. I felt and believed – at a monstrous price, but we saved our relationship. And then he suddenly sent me a message: “I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you.”

We didn’t meet again. I can only guess what is behind this. It hurts me because he loves me, I feel it. And he does not find the strength to accept it into his life again.

“I believed that a future was possible between us, but it was a farewell”

Oleg: “I’ll probably never fully understand what happened when she left. I was ready for anything, for any difficulties, but not betrayal. He had no idea about anything, he was constantly busy with work. It seemed that Alina would always be there. It’s my “wall”. My support.

When she said she was leaving, at first I thought it was some kind of stupid joke. Fantastic movie. Well, we are filming, writing scripts – and this is something that is invented, but cannot happen to us. She crumpled all my reality like unnecessary paper. And then … I didn’t forget, of course, but I learned to live with it.

A year later, she unexpectedly showed up, wrote to me. I can’t explain, but something pulled me away. We met and I just got dizzy. At the same time, I could not tell anyone that I was meeting with her again. All year it was a closed topic for me, it’s hard even for myself to admit that I was glad to see her and thought about her.

And although in those days I sincerely believed that a future was possible between us, perhaps it was just our farewell. I realized that she would not be able to come back into my life after everything that had happened. This story will always torment me as long as we are together. And I Alina … let go.

Probably, from the outside it looked like I repaid her with the same coin. But for a while, I really sincerely believed in the possibility of our relationship.

“We are let down by the tactics of expecting that the partner himself is aware of everything and the situation will change”

There is no reason not to trust the desire of the heroine to start a relationship with her ex-husband. But what is she willing to do about it? It remains a question. Any family sooner or later faces misunderstanding, dissatisfaction. And the sooner the partners begin to discuss them, the more likely they will be able to improve relations.

On the part of both Alina and Oleg, we see, rather, the expectation that the situation will change on its own, and a loved one will begin to act differently. Alina mentions that when they met, they managed to talk more openly, and she was able to talk about what worried her. But she doesn’t seem to be fully aware of her contribution to what ruined the relationship.

Oleg and Alina discuss further plans at the meeting, as if there were no problems between them or they were insignificant. Indirectly, the heroine makes it clear that the reason for the separation was Oleg’s mother.

Rather, at first it was convenient and comfortable for everyone that the mother-in-law was included in the life of the young. She had the resources through which they could realize their professional ambitions. But, as in many stories where personal and professional interests are mixed, it is difficult to distinguish between them, and at some point problems and mutual claims begin.

In all the characters in the story, we observe a lack of habit of discussing difficulties directly. They don’t say what really worries them and what they lack. Here, rather, the tactics of expecting that the other himself is aware of everything and will change his behavior. And this is a rather infantile position.

Why did Oleg decide not to continue the relationship? When meeting with his ex-wife, he did not share with her those feelings and experiences that were with him after her departure. And without this, real rapprochement is impossible. This experience cannot be ignored or simply forgotten. In the euphoria of the meeting, they were fine, but after all the experiences returned.

In this pair, Oleg is still more ready to admit the problem, but does not understand how to deal with it, how to correct the situation. So he decides to leave.

Restoring the couple’s relationship would be possible, but most likely with help from outside. I would suggest going to family therapy where they can practice communicating with each other honestly and openly. Talking about your feelings, hearing each other, changing something in your behavior – this is what the heroes need to learn.