The restaurant is booked, second cousins aunts and uncles from all over the country have bought tickets to come, the wedding dress has already been fitted and is waiting in the wings – and the future half suddenly declares that there will be no wedding … This is incredibly insulting and painful. Why do they do this? And is there anything that can be done to prevent this?
People meet, fall in love, get married… Between the second and third steps, in a good way, you should get to know your partner properly. Determine whether you are suitable for each other and whether your “cockroaches” are looking in the same direction in order to build a family together with the ensuing consequences and obligations.
Scientists from the University of Missouri conducted a study in which they tried to find out why people cancel already planned weddings. Psychologists conducted in-depth interviews with those who had been in a relationship for an average of about 4,5 years and considered them serious, and then called off the engagement.
What prompted you to get scared and run away?
1.An appointed wedding becomes a catalyst for deeper and more conscious reflection on relationships and life plans.
The psychologists’ findings back up the personal stories shared by Facebook followers.
“We were in love with each other from the school desk and when we were 20 years old, we decided to get married. It seemed like a completely natural step, but how else? But we submitted the documents, and I was seized by a panic. Do I really want to decide right now once and for all? I did not know other relationships, and I did not have intimacy with another man … In the end, it turned out that he was overcome by the same thoughts. But it was impossible to return to the same relationship after the cancellation of the wedding – we broke up.
“I discovered that I didn’t love him that much. At the moment of accepting the proposal, everything was romantic. And when I realized that this was not a movie and I would have to live with this person and raise children, it was covered here.
“It pissed me off that we’ve been living for three years and he doesn’t propose. It became a fixed idea. And when he finally offered to get married (more precisely, I “put the squeeze on him”), it turned out that it wasn’t so interesting anymore. I got what I wanted, and suddenly I thought: do I really need it?
2.Joint wedding planning is often a cause for contention.
“We could not agree on almost anything, a classic of the genre – she needed a wedding, a dress and a pretentious ceremony with a bunch of guests, and I dreamed of signing and leaving together somewhere far away from everyone. We quarreled so much that I realized that we do not coincide either in life values or in goals.
“I didn’t think about it before, but it turned out that his family is very religious, especially when grandparents got involved and they started to press me to get married. At the same time, my fiancé did not even try to support me, he gave me to be torn to pieces by relatives. I said it was a bad start and I don’t want to live like this.”
“Suddenly it turned out that my beer gatherings with friends and paintball trips were not included in our plans for a life together after painting, and for her it was like a matter of course. I was not ready for such a stuffy relationship and definitely did not want to part with my own life.
“Somehow we quarreled because of his relatives and the wedding, and he, angry, again shouted at me. I will not say that for the first time in my life, but it was then that I realized that I could not endure his rudeness all my life.
“Someone advised us to tell each other everything before the wedding. And my future husband admitted that before the New Year he got drunk at a corporate party and cheated on me. He is terribly guilty and relieved by what he told me. But I didn’t feel better at all – I still sometimes regret that I found out, but after that I could no longer forgive and canceled the wedding.
“We just fought over money. But it became clear that the problem is old and much has accumulated. So the scandal turned out to be quite ugly. We reconciled, but the sediment remained – all the mood to arrange a wedding simply disappeared.
Can you brake earlier?
“When he said that he was not ready, I was covered with resentment: why didn’t he say this before we sent out invitations and I posted my photos with an engagement ring on Instagram? Now the whole world will know that the groom left me before the wedding … “
Indeed, canceling a wedding is an unpleasant decision. In addition to the shame and resentment of the abandoned side, it also entails financial losses. Therefore, it is better, of course, to ask yourself as many questions as possible in advance and give honest answers to them.
Psychologist Gary Lewandowski gives advice on how to prevent an unpleasant situation.
- Before the relationship goes so far that you talk about marriage, think about what your future with this partner might look like. Do your values and habits match? Take some time and try to imagine, visualize life with this person “in sorrow and in joy.” Do you like what you see?
- Try to soberly assess the relationship as much as possible before talking about the wedding or before answering “yes” to a marriage proposal. Do not console yourself with the illusion that love will conquer everything, especially if there are such problems as violence, deceit, constant conflicts, and so on. Are you sure you want this kind of relationship?
Of course, it is important to look at the situation objectively and think carefully before making life-changing decisions. But in an attempt to foresee everything, one may not decide on any changes in life. All of them are inevitably associated with stress, reflection and legitimate fears. However, no one is able to guess how life will turn out.
Therefore, there is always a risk factor, and it has to be taken for granted.