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Alexandra raised her son alone, he began to live separately. But his place was quickly taken by a male musician, who also needs to be patronized, groomed and cherished. Does our heroine need such an overgrown «son»? The psychologist comments on her story and gives advice on how to deal with such a situation.
«I hate this man»
Alexandra, 47 years old
I was 17 years old when I fell in love with a guy. We just met, he walked me home and kissed me goodbye. And a year later he was taken into the army, I promised to wait and waited. But soon I received a letter: “Sorry, I won’t be back, I have another one.” I sobbed, got angry, could not forgive him. But youth won, and a couple of years later I met someone else, got married, gave birth to a son — the best man in the world.
My husband and I lived together for ten years, I loved him and was proud of him. But it so happened that at the age of 29 he tragically passed away: he could not pay off the huge loan he took to open a business, and committed suicide. I was left alone with my son, who was not even ten years old. I felt resentment towards my husband: how could he leave us, how did he decide on such a rash act?
My grief knew no bounds, but the years went by, my son grew up, got married, he got his own home. And all of a sudden I was left alone. I was 43 years old, and I felt like a young and free woman. What lies ahead for me? A steep turn of a passionate romance or a tender, sensual relationship? It seemed that romance was in the air.
I had a premonition that I would not be left alone, but would soon meet an interesting man
I caught myself smiling when I was just walking down the street and immersing myself in my romantic dreams. Premonition did not deceive: pretty soon I really met a man. But not simple, but with a huge trauma after a divorce from his wife. Ten years have passed since his divorce, but he still often remembered his ex-wife and worried that the relationship did not work out.
We began to live together, he moved in with me. They rubbed for a long time, about a year, then everything seemed to be formed. I didn’t want to live alone. In our family, friendly and complete, all relatives lived in pairs, in love and harmony.
My man is a musician. This is important to note, because creative people are extraordinary, they need a special approach. We have been living together for over three years. I got used to him. Of course, there is no special love, but there is habit and affection. However, recently I began to notice behind myself that he annoys me with his whims. Everything, everything exclusively, must be done the way he wants.
The partner shows selfishness in everything, behaves like a sissy: he tries to “trust” me with all the household chores, paying bills, and even our joint travels. When I come home after work, she asks if she brought something delicious. And recently he began to hint that he needs a new guitar …
I took care of my son for many years, raised him alone, at times it was very difficult. And I don’t want to repeat this situation.
I feel that I have a hatred for this man. I endure all his antics, as if I do not notice the hints. But I can’t understand why I need a forty-year-old «son». Days, weeks, years pass by. It is sad that life is one and I spend precious time so mediocre. Increasingly, I began to ask myself the question: what should I do if my role in a relationship is the role of a mother, and the man is a son or a child?
I would like to change the existing relationship, but I do not know how to do it. I don’t blame anyone but myself. And now, when I remember the beginning of our relationship, I note with sadness that from the first meeting he did not give me flowers, there were no pleasant surprises, but only he himself tried to get something useful from me.
“Starting to meet with a partner, we, like moths, fly into the light”
Yulia Romanova, psychologist
When we meet our future partner and begin a relationship, we most often converge on the “traumatised parts” of our personalities.
Each of us has a completely healthy part. Thanks to her, we can rejoice, love, trust, be open to new things and believe in a happy future. It is she who helps us cope with difficulties, sorrows, grief, fears and problems. But there is still a part of everyone that has suffered after the hardships that we experience in life. This side of our personality is looking for healing, special attention, warmth and kindness.
When we enter into a relationship, we fly like moths into the light, where our injured part can receive support and care. This is exactly what happened in your relationship with a creative man, a musician. He came into a relationship after a painful divorce, you are tired of being alone. Apparently, everything was not easy at once, you rubbed yourself for a long time. And now you have already known each other quite well, and complaints have come to replace patience, attention, and trying to please.
The roles are mixed up, and your man has taken the position of a son in relation to you, and you are his mother
But you have already raised one son, and he has gone into adulthood, and you are not ready to support, both financially and mentally, the «second». Therefore, there was irritation on your part and whims on his part. After all, we strive for partnerships in which we can both give and take. Such a connection fills us, gives confidence in the future, gives a sense of calm.
Relationships are always the work of the soul. And it will not be superfluous for each of us from time to time to remind ourselves of this. Often we are surprised to discover: “Now I have to (should) choose words all my life, think about how to do the right thing so as not to offend my partner?” And indeed it is. Neither a year of living together, nor five or fifty years give us the right and authority to let everything that happens in a couple take its course.
Respect, love, kindness to each other require effort. Maintaining harmonious relationships, where everyone can take and give, be partners with each other, and not mother and son or father and daughter — all this is easier in those couples where people openly or tacitly agreed to live peacefully with each other and go for compromises.
Therefore, you have every chance to organize a fairly comfortable life within your union.
How to fix it? It should be the personal work of each and your joint work as a couple. Start small: think about how you both could please each other every day. And watch the balance, ask yourself if you want to thank your partner for the good that he brings to your life. In a relaxed atmosphere, after resting and sleeping, you can discuss what is valuable to you in a relationship. Consult with each other on how you could harmonize them. When talking, try to do without mutual reproaches.
Many couples manage to find balance in relationships on their own, but if you need professional help, it’s best to come to therapy sessions together. The psychologist will be able to hear the opinion of each of the partners, objectively look at the situation and help in finding compromises.