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“Everything is bad” is often the feeling of parents and their children at the peak of puberty. What helps the warring parties to overcome alienation and take a step towards each other?
Parents’ stories about conflicts with teenagers sometimes resemble a report from the scene of military operations and natural disasters. “It’s unbearable”, “I’m ready to kill him”, “she blows my mind”, “they piss me off”. Parents are annoyed by laziness and rudeness in children, they are afraid of indifference, closeness and lies. And teenagers are pissed off by the dictatorship and suspicion of adults, angry that they are still considered small.
How to withstand this storm of emotions and not become completely alien? What will help at least partly to hear and understand each other? We asked about this three pairs of parents and children who have experienced a transitional age, or at least overcame an acute stage.
Looking at the conflict from two sides helps to identify the triggers of discord. Here’s the main one: parents do not have time to notice changes in the child’s psyche
“One of the key tasks of this age is gaining a sense of psychological independence,” explains teenage psychologist Nikita Karpov. — Notice, not real independence, but sensations. A teenager begins to perceive himself as an adult and requires an appropriate attitude from his parents. And those do not have time to reorganize, maintaining the same level of communication, control, requirements and assessment of what is happening. The child is offended by this and causes resistance, and his protest leads to tougher measures.”
How to break this vicious circle? Accept the inevitability of change and be willing to let go of your mentor role. “Educational measures help little,” the psychologist continues, “because they are perceived as actions from the position of a stronger / more knowledgeable / smarter in relation to the weak and dependent.”
Recognize that the child is a separate person with his own will, rules, interests; trust him more, delegate responsibility … Mindfully understanding the need for these steps, many of us adults are unable to decide on them: adolescents have poor self-control, they have little experience. So how can you trust them?
“Our fears are not unfounded,” Nikita Karpov agrees. “But we can no longer influence a teenager very much. Therefore, it is useful to turn to your self-regulation skills: the ability to stop in time and deal with your feelings.
And we can also remember about ourselves at the same age and that everyone learns only from their own mistakes. That does not negate our willingness to comfort the child and provide support.
“We told each other about our troubles”
Victoria, 36, and her daughter Ekaterina, 17
Victoria: When Katya was 14 years old, my husband and I broke up for a while, and this unsettled her. She began to be rude, skip school, throw up scandals, set conditions: “If you don’t return to dad, I’ll go live with my grandmother.”
I perceived her as a harmful, spoiled child, got angry, turned on myself and finally could not stand it: “Do whatever you want. The doors of my house are open, I love you and always wait. Katya went to live with her grandmother, and I went to a psychotherapist.
Then she was asked to talk to a psychologist. She explained: if you don’t like it, you can always refuse. Therapy turned the relationship around
I came to visit my daughter and admitted that I missed her. We hugged, cried and started talking. I shared my worries about her, asked what she would do in my place. She talked about her troubles. And a month later she returned home. Now we are discussing everything. True, only after the passions subside.
Catherine: I remember this feeling: my childish carefree life ended, and everything suddenly became bad. Nobody understands me, I have become an adult, and my mother does not like it. I regarded any of her questions as an invasion of personal space. There was a complete rejection of the parents.
I wanted to be as bright as possible, I dyed my hair purple and pink, made 12 piercings. I wanted extreme sensations, strong emotions, and not only joyful ones. I tried everything from alcohol and cigarettes to trips to other cities and bungee jumping.
And then there was a crash: problems at school, unrequited love — everything fell in one moment, it seemed that life was over. I came to my mother in hysterics and, sobbing, told her everything. I agreed to work with a psychologist, and I felt calmer. I am glad that I got my experience: a mother will not live his life for a child. But it’s good that she’s around.
“We parted and because of this we became closer”
Natalia, 47, and her son Anton, 25
Natalia: I am a perfectionist and I demanded the same from my son: conscientious studies and exemplary behavior. But it did not work out: he is different. From the age of thirteen he stopped studying, he was a hooligan, teachers complained about him. It seemed that his life was going downhill, some steps should be taken immediately to fix everything. The difficulty was that I raised my son alone and I had no one to share responsibility with. I pressed, insisted, he protested more strongly.
The turning point came when my son graduated from school: I realized that nothing further depended on me. The tension subsided, and when in the third year he explained why he decided to leave the institute, I heard him for the first time, and we talked, not quarreled.
And they really became close when he began to work and live separately. Each of us over the years has read many books and changed his mind a lot, we have become different. He does what he likes and I’m happy for him.
Anton: There is an endless space between a teenager and parents, these are people from different galaxies. At the age of thirteen, I perceived my mother as an overseer with whom it was necessary to maintain a profitable relationship: go for tricks, lies.
I knew for sure that she would not understand me, she would not accept my hobbies, she would dispute and condemn, there was nothing to try. It created a gap between us
I was a hyperactive child, argued furiously with teachers, adored shocking and all sorts of hard jokes, painted graffiti in inappropriate places and generally strove for self-expression in every possible way. There was no crime, violence, just fun, performance: there was nowhere to put the energy.
Only closer to nineteen I began to rethink my life and realized that I want to change everything. Having moved out, I ran into adult problems. And then the distance between us shortened. As if people from different parts of the universe were finally in the same ecosystem.
“We found a lot of common interests”
Ivan, 39, and his son Nikita, 18
Ivan: I was ready for the difficulties in behavior: any guy at this age wants to earn the recognition of his peers by doing some kind of antics. But difficulties arose in another area. Nikita was 14 years old when I left the family, and we had a severe crisis, he closed and refused to meet with me. And it pissed me off.
How are men? We wait for the child to ask for advice. There is a request — it means that everything is in order with your authority. And it seemed to me that he was slipping out from under my influence.
I insisted: let’s go there, let’s go here, without even asking his opinion. And suddenly he thought: what is he interested in?
He began to pull him to the concerts of those rappers that he liked. He invited me to go to the gym together, to the bathhouse. Together they participated in an extreme race with obstacles for 10 km. I helped him find a job. And gradually everything got better. My son was at my wedding, and now we openly discuss all issues.
Nikita: My parents strictly limited me, forbade me to return late, especially my mother. My dad trusted me more. But one day he left home.
The first time was very hard. I did not understand what was happening and could not do anything, influence in any way, because I had too little experience. And that was the biggest problem. I felt like I was on the edge of an abyss. I considered my father’s departure a betrayal and did not want to see him. I tried to distract myself, went to school, in a relationship with a girl.
Only closer to the age of seventeen did my pride recede, the realization came that my dad only wants the best for me. We began to communicate more often. When there were difficulties in studies, in relationships, dad suggested something, and I felt how good it was that he was there. I immediately became calmer. In the end, I understood and accepted his decision. So be it. Now I can share anything with him, I know that he will understand me in any situation.