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One word across – and they close in silent resentment, which can last for hours, or even days. Why such a reaction to mere trifles? And how to get rid of this trait that is destructive to our relationship?
Offended or upset, they prefer not to express their feelings, but fall silent, delving into their own experiences. And in vain, relatives try to find out what happened – they never get an answer.
“This kind of resentment refers to the so-called “substitute” feelings,” explains psychotherapist Isabelle Crespel, a specialist in transactional analysis. – A person is afraid to show his anger, irritation, because they can cause misunderstanding, rejection on the part of the “offender”. Therefore, he, like a child, announces a boycott to everyone. Cherishing resentment in his soul or defiantly indulging in sadness, he makes it clear to others how bad he is. And often, without realizing it, he manipulates them.
“This behavior is fixed in early childhood, at about two or three years old,” says clinical psychologist Yakov Kochetkov. – The mother (for various reasons) cannot recognize the strong feelings that the child experiences when he is angry or upset about something. Every time she cuts him off, demanding that he immediately stop crying, instead of trying to understand him, to describe to him his experiences, to show that they can be dealt with.
As an adult, he will be distrustful of his feelings and in difficult situations he will prefer to withdraw into himself, shut up, pout. “In addition to their will, such people force others to pay for their inability to express sadness, anger or disappointment,” continues Yakov Kochetkov. “They put the blame on the other, encouraging him to put in the effort and prove his affection.”
Defense mechanism
Silent deepening into experiences can be defensive or offensive. Those who resort to such behavior as a defense are very vulnerable and sensitive.
“They are easily offended and immediately plunge into deep sadness,” notes Isabelle Crespel, “while they try to hide their offense. This concealment of real feelings protects them from numerous fears. Fear of appearing ridiculous or being judged, fear of being disliked or in conflict… Fear of life.
“I’m learning to express my feelings”
Maria, 42 years old, architect
“From early childhood, as soon as something is not for me, I fall silent, plunge into sadness and pout at the whole world. Why talk if no one understands me, including myself? When people ask me what happened, it’s hard for me to answer. It is difficult to understand your feelings, it is not easy to talk about them. But thanks to my husband, thanks to the trust between us, little by little I begin to change. His love endures my bad mood. And I found that if I openly express my dissatisfaction or disappointment, this does not destroy our relationship. With him I learn to pronounce my feelings. I still often have an involuntary desire to suppress my emotions, but I already know that it is better to make an effort on myself and express, express them.
Manipulation method
In other cases, demonstrative offended silence takes on an offensive character – this is no longer a shield, but a weapon. Expressive sighs, bewildered shrugging, contempt… In an effort to manipulate others, such a person resorts to silence in order to put the other in an uncomfortable position, to make him doubt his own vision of the situation and subdue him.
“By his behavior, he broadcasts the following: my parents did not give me warmth and attention, you can make up for this deficit,” Yakov Kochetkov believes. “At the same time, people around should understand without words what this person was offended by.”
Regularly resorting to such expressive silence, they are playing a risky game, because in an effort to get proof of love from a loved one, they can achieve the opposite and lose relationships dear to them.
So don’t go into a tailspin, our experts believe. It is better to think about what initial ideas such behavior is based on: “if people are different, then understanding between them is impossible”; “if we object to what some person says or does, then we are against that person”; “the cause of our troubles is more likely in other people than in our life position …”.
And then ask yourself the question: how fair is this? And isn’t it time to get rid of this dangerous habit of pouting? The only way to defeat her is to show our needs and make it clear to loved ones what we expect from them.
What to do?
Let go of overwhelming emotions
If you think it’s better to sulk than to lose your temper by showing your anger or sadness openly, there are two steps to take. First, relieve tension away from prying eyes: walk, run, shout, or punch your pillow to vent your feelings. And if you’re sad, cry heartily. After you reduce the tension in this way, push the emotions aside and try to figure out what exactly you don’t like.
Treat the interlocutor as an ally, do not play silent with him, share your experiences … For example, tell your partner: “I have such a habit, I know that this is stupid and pointless. When I start to sulk, just hug me.” Or tell others that you need to be with yourself for a while, and then explain to them what pissed you off. This will make it easier for them to recognize and respond to your feelings and emotions.
Tips for others
Do not accept the rules of the game of someone who pouts, seeking to put the blame on you or to piss you off. Tell the person that you noticed his resentment. When asking him direct questions, offer to speak, but just do not return to the alleged reason for dissatisfaction – this will only spur resentment and a desire to continue in the same spirit. Show that you are waiting for an answer, but don’t get impatient or angry. You can joke, but the main thing is not to make fun of the offended. He should feel that you want to make him laugh, not laugh at him.