Contents
The eve of the holidays becomes a difficult test for some of us: you need to foresee everything in advance, make a plan, prepare for any surprises. How to stop wasting energy on solving this obviously impossible task?
“There are two events in the year that I worry about every time,” says 40-year-old owner of the art gallery Anna. – It’s New Year’s and holidays. I think about them all the time and panic at the thought that I might forget something. Why do many of us, like Anna, start preparing a list of gifts in two months, outline a plan for seating guests at the table, present our evening attire, think over in detail the itinerary of the trip and entertainment for every day? Why do you need to plan everything?
I comfort myself. When we are bombarded with a lot of things, stress builds up quickly. “Stress is a natural reaction of the body, with the help of which we adapt to a new situation,” explains family psychologist Inna Shifanova. By planning, we make the situation less unexpected and therefore less stressful. “The unknown causes anxiety,” the psychologist continues, “and we worry, we worry that we will not cope with the situation.” And when we make a plan, we feel like we have regained control—at least in our own thoughts.
Read more:
- New Year: a good time to ask yourself questions
My experience
Marina, 37 years old, nurse
“I used to take on everything. Who cooks dinner with friends? ME: Who orders train tickets for everyone? I. Everyone told me: “Marina, you do it better than all of us …” Of course, I liked it when they praised me. But the organization of all these meetings, parties, trips took away my time and energy. In addition, I was very demanding of myself. Now I distribute responsibilities! Everyone participates: the husband cooks, the cousin buys train tickets. And I … I only control them at the end! And it frees me from oppressive tension.”
Read more:
- How to stop controlling everything?
I want everything to be perfect. We all want the events that are significant to us to be successful. In this sense, it is only natural to spare no effort. The problem arises when perfectionism hides behind our efforts. The mania for perfection is magnified if the stakes are too high. “More and more adults do not give themselves the right to make mistakes,” explains psychoanalyst Judy Taiana. “In the pursuit of the ideal, we strive to protect ourselves from any reproaches and achieve the recognition of others.” And by doing so, we increase our self-esteem. To be loved, we must be perfect! Where does such a rule come from? It has existed since childhood. “Each family creates its own principles, such as “do your best” or “be perfect,” recalls Inna Shifanova. “And these parental voices continue to resound in our unconscious.” And we have no choice but to adapt to these requirements.
I’m making up for lost time. Significant events, and especially the New Year holidays, evoke many different feelings in us. “They wake up the sleeping child in us,” says Judy Tyana. – Holidays, the beginning of studies, the New Year – all these are symbols of our childhood. They give us hope to make up for what was lost, not experienced in the past and console ourselves.” In order for the magical power of the New Year to work, we invite a huge number of guests, carefully organize everything, plan to the smallest detail. But what if all our fuss is just an excuse to make up for the lack of joy and festive mood in the past? And behind the desire to shower everyone with gifts lies the need to please themselves? Marketers are well aware of this weakness: just look in November and December at the store shelves filled with toys, chocolate and holiday outfits …
Read more:
- Why does time run faster during holidays?
What to do?
Do not deny yourself
The principle of “do not deny yourself” allows you to discard the thoughts that limit us. To learn how to take care of yourself, it is worth repeating these rules: “You can be wrong”; “You have the right to think about yourself”; “You don’t have to take care of everyone.”
Make to-do lists
Some of us are helped by to-do lists, while others are depressing. If you are one of the former, then it will be important for you to know that internal tension decreases when we begin our record of a to-do list with a verb (“order groceries home”, “call mom”). And we divide the task into several simple tasks that can be performed sequentially. Also avoid vague general tasks (“make dinner”). To-do lists for certain events can be interesting, such as a list of gifts or places to visit during a child’s vacation.
Hear the child inside
We can see our lives in a new way, even if there was a lot of suffering in it. To do this, you need to find a child in yourself. Ask yourself: What was your childhood experience like? Were you heard by the elders? Who could you trust? What was your place in the family? Be kind to yourself, talk to your heart, and memorize the answers to all these questions. If the pain is too great, then psychotherapy will help you move on.