I must have the last word

“I can’t help it! – 33-year-old Andrei laments. – I don’t even always notice that I’m arguing to the last. My wife just shrugs her shoulders: “No matter what happens, you are always right…” No. I just don’t want others to confuse me with their arguments.” So, in the depths of his soul, Andrei believes that he can still be argued with?

Our experts see the habit of always having the last word as a compulsive behavior that is usually not recognized. For someone who behaves like this, it is important in any situation to “save face”, to be strong, not to let another “forward” pass. Why?

I do not believe that I am valuable in itself

Despite everything, those who have difficulties with self-esteem try to be right, says Iskra Shestakova, a Gestalt therapist: “On a conscious level, such people have high self-esteem, they are successful, competitive, they are used to appreciating themselves. But deep down, they doubt their significance and think that in order to be loved, something must be presented – results, achievements, successes. Where does such a belief come from?

The reason, the psychotherapist believes, is in early childhood: the child lacked unconditional love, a good attitude towards himself – just like that, and not for something. Perhaps the parents did not always manage to meet his desires, to show that he has the right to them. As a result, the child does not develop the “I am good, you are good” attitude, which would save him from the need to constantly prove something.

I’m afraid to make a mistake

However, not only those who want to look strong are trying to argue to the last. “In a situation of dependence – for example, financial or emotional – we sometimes deny ourselves the right to make mistakes and contradict those on whom we depend (boss or spouse), for fear of disappointing them with our imperfection and thereby worsen the relationship,” explains psychoanalyst Nelly Jolivet (Nelly Jolivet). As in the previous case, the causes should be sought in childhood.

The child could suffer from the fact that significant adults for him did not recognize him as a person, despite all his efforts, expectations and needs. “It often seems to parents that they know better what their children need, but not every child can bear that everything is decided for him,” adds Iskra Shestakova. Long-standing pain sometimes forces us to defend ourselves even where it would be more useful for us to listen to the opinions of others.

I overestimate myself

The paradox is that behind the reckless self-affirmation lies a deep uncertainty. “Such a person thinks that everything is in order with him only when he is right,” explains Iskra Shestakova. “So he has a system of reinforcing his own self-esteem.” He devalues ​​others: “I am more valuable because you are worth nothing at all,” because this is his only way to convince himself of his worth. Power over others makes him feel that he exists. Although this power does not bring much investment: nevertheless, we need true love, and not the illusion of superiority.

“With my ex-husband, I tried to come out of any dispute as a winner”

Daria, stylist, 39 years old

I grew up with the belief that you need to stand up for yourself. With my parents, and then with my ex-husband, I tried to emerge from any dispute as a winner, even if our disagreements were trifling. Over time, I lost my sense of proportion. Psychotherapy helped me to know my limits, to learn to yield, to understand who is really right. When I tell children that they did something bad, I always add that I still love them. And I think to myself: if their mistakes are forgivable, then I can be forgiven?