She grew up without a mother — she left her daughter in the care of her grandparents. As an adult, she changed several partners — tenderly cared for them, but at one point left them. Now that the children have grown up, Christina is trying to understand what awaits her in the future.
Robert Neuburger: Do you keep in touch with your family?
Christina: Yes, I don’t have it, you can say … When I was very young, my mother left me and my sister. We were raised by our grandparents, they explained to us that our mother had died. I only saw her three times. Now she is no longer alive, like my father, grandfather and grandmother. Of the relatives, only a sister remained.
R. N .: How was her life?
Christina: She was married three times. As active and restless as I am. She has a good job, although she never graduated from the institute, did not want to study …
R. N .: And you?
Christina: I diligently studied law and political science, although I dreamed of singing, dancing and music. But all this was forbidden — after all, my mother also loved to sing and dance. I had to make a career, my grandmother really counted on me. I got married at 21, and at 29 I already had three children. After some time, my sister’s husband fell ill, and I began to take care of her two daughters.
- Are you ready to go on vacation alone?
- How do you experience loneliness?
R. N .: Are you still married?
Christina: No. Once I was thinking about what will happen to my family after the children leave it, and inwardly I was horrified. And I decided to get divorced. Later, I started a new life by meeting another man. We began to live together with my children and grandmother. I soon found out that he was unemployed, but was afraid to tell me about it. I immediately found a job, and worries about him, my grandmother, mine and his children fell on my shoulders. But a few months later, as soon as he got a job, I left him. I was just exhausted.
R. N .: You left just at the moment when it became easier for you to live …
Christina: Yes, but our relationship was unequal. I was a mother to him, a strong woman. I wanted other, real relationships. (Long pause.)
R. N .: And now nothing is stopping you from fulfilling your dreams?
Christina: To do this, I have to make decisions again, I’m so tired of doing it myself. I would like to share this responsibility with someone.
R. N .: Are you worried about your loneliness?
Christina: Yes, it worries a lot. I need someone with whom I could share my worries, exchange thoughts. But I have never had a long-term relationship with men. And it’s terrible. I have always wanted to create a family in the true sense of the word. Strong family.
R. N .: Your relationship is developing in a similar scenario. The situation when you manage everything, take care of everyone, is familiar to you. Your relationship with your lover becomes as if you are his mother or sister, it seems wrong to you, and you stop everything.
Christina: That’s exactly it.
R. N .: Your problem is that at certain moments you take care of another person, solve his problems. But that’s how you were brought up: to always come to the rescue. The terrible thing is that this wonderful quality destroys your relationship, hurts you.
Christina: This is where I fail to change, although I have tremendous vitality.
- Living solo: four myths about loneliness
R. N .: So, I’ll sum it up: the challenge is that you want to start a new relationship without stepping on the same trap. And would you like a psychotherapist to help you with this?
Christina: Yes it is. And then I’ll be alone for another thirty years.
R. N .: Yes, out of a sense of self-denial, not out of a desire to be alone.
Christina: Perhaps I would prefer renunciation. I don’t want to continue the hopeless search.
R. N .: You don’t trust yourself?
Christina: In one play, I read a phrase that suits me: “There will always be a stray dog in the world that will prevent me from being happy …” That’s about me.
R. N .: If you start working with a psychoanalyst, you don’t know what might come out.
Christina: This is exactly what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid to open Pandora’s box…
R. N .: It is difficult to consider yourself a caring person and find aggression in yourself, a lot of aggression. Perhaps you are afraid that these feelings, your rage will come out? After all, anger has been accumulating in you all these years …
Christina: But I openly express my feelings…
R. N .: When rage is caused by those who have already died, the situation becomes more complicated … It is difficult to be angry with someone who left you and who is no longer alive.
Christina: Yes, when your mother leaves you, it is impossible to be happy. You think to yourself: “Here, my mother is an unworthy woman,” and what to do about it?
R. N .: Were you able to communicate with her?
Christina: Yes. We first met when I was 30 years old. And I realized that she never came to terms with the fact that she left us with her sister. At the age of 19, she married a cruel and jealous despot, which turned out to be my father. He just didn’t let her out of the house. She was scared and ran away to save herself. She wanted to return, but her father’s parents prevented her. After her death, I found out that she talked about us all the time with different people. I never held a grudge against her, and I think her life was terrible. But I was angry at my father, who turned out to be a weak, irresponsible person, unable to protect us. But despite this, I took care of him at the end of his life, when he was ill … I could not do otherwise. My sister felt hatred, but I did not. I can’t be mad at someone for long. Now they are all dead, and I know that nothing can be fixed. But when they were alive, I hoped that it would be possible to reconcile the past …
R. N .: You talk as if you have an obligation to fix the past… I think your idea of starting psychotherapy is a good idea. Neurosis retains even after a while your ideals, dreams, all the best in you. In this sense, psychotherapy or psychoanalysis will not have a destructive effect. But the sessions can be painful because of the memories. So you can finish now, or we can see each other three times a week for ten years…
Christina (with a smile): Why not?
- Why don’t they read? Why don’t they dream?
A mounth later
Christina: “I decided to undergo psychotherapy. This thought matured in me towards the end of the first consultation. But I haven’t decided yet where to go. During a meeting with a psychologist, I realized for the first time that the desire to help everyone is, it seems, my lot, and perhaps a lot of aggression is hidden in me. And we need to work on this in order to move forward.”
Robert Neuburger: “Sometimes they say that psychoanalysis is needed for relatively young people, and if problems remain in adulthood, then this is a neurosis. In this case, by neurosis, I do not mean a disease and I treat it as a work of art: people with neuroses are the chosen ones. It is neurotics who pose questions to themselves and society. They are endowed with intelligence and extraordinary susceptibility. Christina is an example of rare human generosity, and with the exception of relationships with men, she has achieved great professional success, although circumstances did not favor this. The emotional cost for such sublimation can be high and cause suffering that needs to be interpreted. I think psychotherapy is the best path for Christina.”
For privacy reasons, we have changed names and some personal details. The recording of the conversation is published with abbreviations and with the consent of Christina.