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Some of us are constantly on guard. They fear fraud and trust no one. Where does this constant feeling of danger come from and how to get rid of it?
“I won’t buy anything until I find out how much such a thing costs in other stores,” Anna, 41, admits. – And I’m careful not only with purchases – in the same way, in business and personal relationships, I’m afraid that I would be betrayed, deceived. From my guests I always expect them to invite me to their place; if I do something nice for my husband, then I watch to see if he will answer me the same. I count how many hours each of my colleagues work, and sometimes I doubt whether my own children are telling me the truth … This is my attitude to the world. But it’s very tiring!”
I was taught not to trust. Almost all children are taught not to trust strangers. “However, there is a difference whether a child is taught the right behavior in a particular situation or whether they are instilled with the idea that the world as a whole is dangerous,” emphasizes family psychologist Inna Shifanova. What poses a threat to life or health really exists in reality: an outlet, a roadway, inedible berries, other people’s uncles and aunts. Avoiding all these dangers in childhood, as we grow older, we change our attitude towards some of them. For example, we learn among strangers to recognize someone who is able to become our friend. But if parents repeat: “Every man for himself”, “A terrible time, you won’t go out into the street”, “How will you live, so gullible?” – and they themselves live in accordance with these attitudes, it subsequently becomes extremely difficult to overcome them, and a wary attitude towards the world can spread even to the closest people.
I’m losing myself. “The situation is aggravated if we have experienced painful experiences, especially in our personal lives. It reinforces hostility towards the world,” says psychoanalyst Gérard Tixier. Having survived the betrayal that made us suffer, we try to avoid a repetition. “Constantly feeling like a potential victim, we program ourselves for a certain style of behavior,” explains Gerard Tiksier. – Having experienced a serious blow to self-esteem, we are no longer just defending ourselves – we are attacking. After all, trust in an outsider or in oneself is regarded as a huge risk. What is behind this concern? “Someone “fucked” me, he has power over me. I am no longer a subject, but an object.” If a seller in the market, a boss at work, a child or a friend “fucked” me against my will, then I have lost a part of myself. And for the individual there is no greater danger than to lose the freedom to dispose of oneself.
I deserve better. “Modern society is under a lot of moral stress,” says clinical psychologist Yves-Alexandre Thalmann. “We have to constantly make choices: what product to buy, at what price, with whom to spend the evening … And those who have a choice have to suffer before they make it.” After all, dwelling on any one option, we refuse all the others. And later it may seem to us that by choosing otherwise, we could have more, rejoice longer. We think: I should have made a different decision – and I would have had a more worthy … partner, earnings, position in the company. It takes a lot of self-confidence to overcome such doubts.
My experience
Galina, 31 years old, legal adviser
“For a long time I thought that my excessive suspicion was just a tribute to the profession. I thought that I was afraid of deception because of a heightened sense of justice. At the same time, I seemed to myself to be extremely honest, faithful and straightforward. Meetings with a psychotherapist helped me to look at the situation from a different perspective. It turns out that I myself constantly deceived others, believing that this was the only way to protect myself, to feel safe. As I regained confidence in myself during therapy, my suspicion decreased.”
What to do?
Unlike fear (which is a reaction to an emerging danger), a feeling of anxiety first arises on its own, and then all sorts of reasons are searched for for it. Avoid information (newspapers, films, news) that reinforces your mistrust of the world. Create a positive emotional background: look for experiences that improve mood.
Alertness does not reduce the risk of being in danger. You are not saving yourself, but you are definitely depriving yourself of many pleasures. When you accept a gift or a compliment, you ask yourself if they are trying to buy you or correct their own mistake. But are you really taking that risk? Before you refuse, think about it: maybe in this situation you should show more trust?
Ask yourself a few questions: Where does mistrust most often manifest itself? In finance or in relationships? What are the consequences: a sense of isolation, a hardening of character? How can you change your behavior? A distrust that spans many areas of life can be a symptom of depression. This should be discussed with a psychotherapist.